Two More Pieces
by AESP Inc
Summary: Unfortunately for best buds Kade & Jess, being unceremoniously drop-kicked into the world of One Piece didn't include inheriting rad skills or the power to seduce the hottest men on the Grand Line (womp, womp). Lucky for them, the Strawhat pirates have an affinity for picking up strays...but how are two wholly unprepared nerds going to survive Dressrosa? [SIOC, eventual pairings]
1. Motherfucking SANJI

NOTES: Welcome, unsuspecting vic-I mean, readers! You've just unwittingly embarked on an epic journey filled with situational irony, awkward interactions, shameless fangirling and a whole heaping spoonful of snark. And expletives. Oh, boy, are there ever expletives. Hide the children!

Characters will be as true to their canon selves as possible because OOC-ness makes us sad, but keep in mind that most of this stuff will be played for laughs. We wanted something light and funny to turn to as a break from our more serious fics. This is a story that will poke fun at itself rather often, but be prepared for something resembling a Plot to rear its head because apparently we just can't write pointless crack anymore. Hey, it'll be great. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll get an inexplicable urge to shower us with money, I mean, reviews. Yes. Mwahaha.

Obviously neither of us own One Piece. If we did, a certain couple of things would have gone differently and a certain narcoleptic human incendiary would still be falling asleep face-first in his curry at inopportune times.

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Motherfucking SANJI**

 _"So parody. Much self-insert. Very humor." –Shibe_

* * *

"TORAFURUGA ROOMU E YOUKOSO!" Jess wailed from the passenger seat as 'Dr. Heart Stealer' blared out of the speakers.

"Oh yeah, turn that shit up." Not taking her eyes off the road ahead, Kade reached over and cranked the dial until the windows practically vibrated. "I love Law's fucking manly voice," she remarked with a saucy wink.

" _So_ manly!" Jess grinned back.

Anytime Jess rode in the car with Kade, they would inevitably listen to that same song several times in succession. Luckily neither of them had gotten sick of it yet—and why would they? The two best friends were fortunate enough to have been cut from the exact same exceedingly dorky, anime-themed cloth, as it were, and as such unwaveringly enabled each other in all of their ridiculously nerdy endeavors. This, of course, included fangirling over two-dimensional male characters featured in popular pirate manga.

What the hell _else_ did friends do together?

"WE need to watch more One Piece when we get back to your house!" Jess practically had to shout over the song.

Kade immediately agreed. "Damn straight, we do!" Not as if they hadn't been having a One Piece marathon since the day Jess arrived at her apartment for their annual vacation together, anyway.

You see, despite their current imitation of a couple of giddy teenagers, Jess and Kade experienced normal and rather mundane lives when they weren't together. When apart, they were both quite cleverly disguised as a couple of grown-ass women. They had careers. They had money. They had soul-crushing debt toward which most of that money went. They had stupid, boring _responsibilities_.

Speaking of which...

"—HOLY SHIT! LOOK OUT!"

Both women immediately shrieked as a car came careening over the median, barreling toward them at an alarming speed as if it were out for blood.

You know all those movies where time seems to slow down before the character dies in a sudden, tragic accident? Well, that's all a bunch of buttery bullshit. In fact, if anything, Father Time is bitter old douchebag who hits the fast-forward button on your ass like he's skipping the fluffy bits in the midst of a crime thriller _._ A final 'fuck you' in your last moments alive. You don't even have time to wish you'd had your last savory slice of pizza or even wonder if you'd remembered to change your underwear. It happens in an _instant._

Jess's arms braced instinctively for impact as Kade slammed on the brakes, but it was too late—there was a sickening crunch of metal as Kade's small Toyota Corolla was struck by an SUV-shaped battering ram and then violently ploughed off the road by the still-moving suburban.

The small sedan was filled with inane shrieking as it was sent tumbling off the side of the road and crashing into a ditch.

Cue the Michael Bay-esque explosions.

(Just kidding—not everyone has that kind of budget.)

Instead of being engulfed by a violent and searing hellfire, the world simply went dark. Faded to black in an instant, as if a switch had flipped. For a moment, they felt nothing but an odd sense of peace as the darkness washed over their minds. It felt as though they were floating, weightless and disoriented…swimming through nothingness.

What the _fuck_ , right?

But then, all of a sudden, as quickly as the black nothingness had wrapped itself around them, it was gone.

Kade became aware of the need to draw breath first, and the inability to do so second. Panic surging through her veins, she began to choke on the lack of oxygen, limbs flailing helplessly. It was then that she was struck by how _ice cold_ everything felt.

Just what the crap kind of bullshit afterlife _was_ this?!

Her body propelled itself upward, running on pure instinct and unadulterated panic. Finally—and rather unexpectedly—she broke through to the surface, gasping and coughing as she desperately attempted to inhale every bit of air that her lungs would allow while struggling to keep afloat amidst the water.

Wait… _WATER?!_

Eyes wide in some amalgamation of bewilderment and fear, she looked around frantically. "JESS?!" She coughed, inhaling some of the salty water in her haste to locate her best friend. She didn't have a clue what was going on, but they were supposed to be together. "JESS!"

A few yards away, said Jess came popping out of the water like an alien chest burster, choking and sputtering for dear life.

"KADE!" She shrieked back, using the last of her precious Cadbury mini egg-fueled energy to swim towards the voice of the other girl.

She began panicking as she realized that her stash of Cadbury mini eggs was gone—she'd been saving those since Easter, carefully rationing them out, and had saved the lion's share for her visit with Kade. Was her face wet from the water she was so clearly in, or from the tears of her loss?

Jess finally reached Kade, clutching at her for dear life as panic started to set in. Her chest heaved as the dark water swelled around them, her mind conjuring up visions of giants of the deep ready for a snack. They were both madly treading water, and there was no telling how deep it was.

Her eyes locked onto Kade's and she gripped the other girl's shoulder tightly. "I'm...I'm scared...where...what...what...?" Jess began to shake, feeling the start of a panic attack coming on. If only she still had those Cadbury mini eggs. Their crispy outer shells were like medicine... She gulped thickly, pushing the thoughts of candy away. "I...I thought we were going to die before, and now I'm SURE WE ARE!"

"Shit, I don't know, I…" Kade felt so confused. She couldn't begin to figure out what the hell had just happened! There were no bodies of water like this one in Colorado! She did her best to support Jess with one arm as they struggled to remain afloat. If they gave in to panic, they probably _would_ die—and that would make this a disappointingly short story.

Still, what the hell were they going to do? Kade's brow furrowed in thought as she squinted into the distance, eyes burning from the salt water splashing into her face. How considerate, Mother Nature. Shit, Father Time ought to hit that—they'd make the perfect couple.

Nothing around them for miles and miles. Just deep-blue nothingness…not even a horizon to be seen. When she spoke again, Kade's voice trembled, and she wasn't sure if it was due to the cold or the adrenaline rush.

"Okay, we have to start s-swimming. D-don't think about it, just keep swimming!" She urged, giving Jess's arm a tug.

Jess remained frozen in fear. "I can't...I can't...I can't...this...this is a nightmare. You know how much I'm afraid of deep, dark water...since I was a kid..." Her breath started coming in short gasps and her eyes bulged as she belted at the cruel heavens, "WE'RE GOING TO DIE OUT HERE!"

"We are NOT going to die!" Kade insisted, despite how little evidence she had to back up that claim. She kept prodding Jess along, refusing to look back. If she stopped to look back, she'd most certainly lose the will to keep going. "We're going to f-figure this out and f-find some help! And Jesus fuck, it's cold!"

Jess began shivering as she realized how cold the water was. The adrenaline rush she'd been experiencing was beginning to wane ever so slightly. "Man…this is the worst…THE WORST! There's probably a Great White or something hunting us while we're swimming."

"Oh fuck, don't say that!" Kade exclaimed between chattering teeth as they continued to push forward.

But Jess couldn't stop her mind from racing, and she shivered more intensely at the thought of those murderous sea creatures. Suddenly in that moment, terrified as she was, the only thing she could think about was that mellorine idiot that haunted so many of her thoughts and dreams: Kuroashi Sanji. She should be thinking of her family, but hey, she _was_ a diehard fangirl. Let it never be said that Jess wasn't devoted.

She was just about to ask Kade if she was thinking about her own One Piece crush when she heard some deranged laughter coming from a disembodied voice.

Jess first thought it was Kade finally having lost her mind, and let's be honest it's been a long time coming, but just in case she turned to her best friend incredulously and asked, "Do you really think this is funny?! Or was that just a panicked laugh? Goddammit I could go for some Cadbury mini eggs right now…"

"What?" Kade did her best to give Jess a look of utter confusion, although it was hard to tell if she'd been successful because she couldn't actually feel her own face. "What the hell are you t-talking about?"

She was beginning to wonder of Jess had gone delirious, but all of a sudden she began to hear the same sound. Turning her head this way and that, she caught sight of something in the distance, afloat on the choppy waters and drawing ever-closer.

Gasping, she shouted, "SHIP! It's a ship!" Kade began to wave her free arm over her head in a frantic manner. "HEY! HEEEEEEYYY! SOMEBODY HELP US!" She screamed out, accidentally swallowing a mouthful of water in the process and vaguely hoping that nobody had peed in that spot recently.

Jess's mouth dropped open, flabbergasted. "HOW DID WE MISS THAT?" She began yelling and waving her arms as well attempting to push herself up higher out of the water like a dolphin. How did those slick fuckers manage to do that, anyway?

The two women continued screaming like banshees, or maybe sirens since they were in the water. Was this the ocean? The water certain was salty…

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!" She and Kade continue to warble and the dark shape seemed to change course and head towards them.

"THANK THE MAKER THEY SAW US!" Jess exclaimed and took a deep breath; all that dolphining was tiring her out.

As the ship grew closer, her eyes grew wider and Jess began to wonder if maybe it was an illusion and the two of them actually had gone mad or maybe they were hovering between life and death in limbo or purgatory, even though neither of them believed in that sort of thing…

The front of the ship came closer and there was no mistaking the familiar figurehead. Jess sucked in a gasp along with a gallon of water and gripped Kade's shoulder, shaking it in fear and trepidation. "Kade…I think we're already dead. Yeah…we're definitely dead."

Kade's mind was attempting to process those words. _Dead._ They were dead? _Were_ they? She certainly didn't feel very dead, aside from having lost all feeling in her limbs.

Suddenly, one particular scene from _Pirates of the Caribbean_ popped into her head—you know, the one in 'At World's End' where all the dead people were in rowboats. What if this was just like that? Had they simply missed their rowboat? Could that even happen?

A chill that had nothing to do with the icy water washed over her and Kade gritted her teeth, swallowing once before continuing to wave her arm and shout. She nearly laughed in relief as the ship sailed nearer, although something was _awfully_ familiar about it. It wasn't just any old vessel. Not a cruise ship or a ferry or a tanker. No, _that_ ship…she had seen it before. Many times before, in fact, and as her eyes become trained onto its enormous lion-like figurehead, she inhaled sharply—only to sputter and cough as she choked on more goddamned sea water.

"Jess!" She wheezed. "Am I going crazy, or…?!"

"N-no…I …I see it, too…so we're _both_ crazy. That's…that's why I think we're already dead. No way in HELL would we ever see the Sunny Gou in real life…oh…wait!" There was ONE PLACE that this might not be too uncommon a sight…

Kade paused in her one-armed flailing, turning her head to give Jess a blank, frozen look.

Jess continued, her voice growing excited. "Maybe we're off the coast of Japan! DON'T FUCKING ASK ME HOW, but they're the only ones who would have a life-size version of the Sunny! Didn't we always say we wanted to go to Japan together? And then like LIVE at the One Piece store?"

She didn't even wait for Kade to agree or acknowledge what she said before she barreled on, her voice increasing in pitch. "Maybe now's our chance! Though we had to go through fiery doom to get here! I'm going to steal that life-size version of SANJI." Stars lit up her eyes but faded a moment later. "No…that can't be it. We've got to be dead…SHIT! Unless this is just a dream…in which case I better be waking up any minute now!"

"Fuck if it's the most realistic damn dream I've ever had!" Kade replied, now slurring her words due to the whole 'unable to feel her fucking mouth moving' special effect that went along with treading freezing cold water for more than twenty minutes. "This goes beyond lucid dreaming. This is FUCKED UP!" She squinted across the waves as the ship that was most _definitely_ the Sunny Gou—or at least, a pretty sweet replica of it—sailed closer. She had to marvel at the sight; it was far bigger than she'd ever imagined a replica ship from a pirate manga would be.

As she and Jess searched carefully for signs of a crew on board, they could just barely make out a couple of individuals roaming the deck. But before they had another chance to shout for help, a rope ladder was thrown over the side, followed by a shout that neither one of them could hear.

Kade strained to make out what was said, but it was lost amidst the wind and the waves. She looked back at Jess. "Come on, let's get over there. It's gonna be okay! Okay?"

Jess nodded numbly. "Well! This is going to be a really great story we're going to get to tell for the rest of our lives if nothing else. Oh God please let us be in Japan!"

As they swam closer to the side of the ship, she strained to hear the muted speech from up above, trying to make out any words in Japanese. If they were Japanese, she could at least halfway talk to them; she wasn't fluent yet, though learning the language of anime had always been one of her life goals ever since she became a fucking weeb at the tender age of fifteen.

The ship itself up close was even more fantastic, like a work of art; it was put together so well, right down to the very last tiny detail. Female and male voices called to them from up above, asking if they were okay.

Jess sighed. "Well, that's not Japanese I'm hearing up there," she shivered as they began the climb up to the deck of the pirate ship of dreams, and as the wind hit them it only exacerbated the cold.

"OIIIIIIII, GRAB MY HAND!" A hyper voice from right over the railing yelled, male but not deep, and he threw something down at the two girls.

The fuck?!

A female voice reprimanded him almost immediately. "What are you DOING?!"

Kade was reaching for it—something long, like a flesh-colored snake—as it stretched down, and the moment her numb fingers grasped it was the moment she realized it was NOT, IN FACT, A ROPE LADDER, but some kind of _appendage_.

She balked. "WHAT THE HELL?! GROSS!" Kade was so surprised that she momentarily forgot to keep herself afloat, and took in another big gulp of whale-pee-water by accident. She hacked and sputtered once more as she resurfaced, cursing as she grabbed ahold of the appendage to keep from going under again. Shit, whatever saved her ass, right? She'd worry about the freakiness later. "Just…just grab on, who fucking cares, here!" She reached for the second appendage and passed it over to Jess.

Jess face-faulted comically, her eyes widening at the thing Kade handed her. "THE FUCK IS THIS? OH GOD THERE'S A HAND ON THE END!" She shuddered but took it anyway, "Huh, it feels like rubber so maybe it's faaaaAAAAAAAKE!" Her last word morphed into a scream as she and Kade went flying upward and an alarming rate, slingshotting over the railing of the ship, the familiar grass covered deck coming into view at the apex of their airborne trip.

The deck of the Sunny was dotted with figures crowded around the source of the rubber appendages. There was more yelling from the female voice, some additional laughing from the young male voice and another deeper male voice was shouting loudly.

The world went topsy-turvy, then Kade and Jess hit the deck with loud thud, the impact somewhat absorbed by the soft grass they'd landed on.

"OW…FUCK, MY HEAD…" Jess complained loudly as she rolled over onto her side, searching for her BFF to make sure she was okay. "…We made it?"

As she pushed herself into a sitting position, holding her head in her hand, a small brown furry creature rushed up to the two of them and began fussy like a mother hen in its high voice.

 _Is that…?_

Jess was about to marvel over the entity in front of her when she glanced up at the other parties on deck who were gathered around a boy in a straw hat and red shirt. He had black hair under the hat, a scar under his left eye, shorts with the fluffy white shit around the bottom, and a large x-shaped scar that adorned his chest where the shirt opened.

He was the perfect visage of Monkey D. Luffy!

Standing on either side of him, a man and a woman who looked incredibly like real life versions of Sanji and Nami were takings turns slapping the Luffy upside the head for his reckless behavior.

"You need to be more careful!" the Nami-like woman reprimanded the boy with another hard slap.

"SHISHISHISHI! But I got them, didn't I?!" He craned his neck to get a look at the new passengers on deck.

Meanwhile, Kade found that she could do nothing but gape; her jaw literally went slack and her eyes grew wide while she pushed herself into a sitting position and took in the scene before her. These people…this place… How was this even happening? She'd always joked about smoking crack, though to her knowledge had never actually tried it. Had someone slipped a little somethin'-somethin' into her drink that day?

Shooting Jess a questioning look, she muttered, "Um…yeah, I think…I think you were right. We gotta be dead…"

"You IDIOT!" The blond man dressed up like Sanji shouted to the Luffy lookalike. "What were you thinking, just grabbing total strangers out of the water?! They're—" He paused just then, having actually noticed the two ladies sitting on the grass. "They're…THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!" He crooned, immediately swaying from side to side as dozens of pink, balloon-like hearts inexplicably appeared all around him.

" _Orrr_ we're high as fuck, that might be more likely," Kade added as she watched the spectacle, hoping like hell that she wasn't the only one seeing the array of pink hearts.

"MELLORINE, MELLORINE!" The Sanji lookalike was singing over and over. He rushed toward the two of them, and in an instant he'd managed to wedge himself between them and the small brown animal. "Hello! Good afternoon, lovely ladies! How may I be of service this fine day?"

Jess took one look at the Sanji and then whipped her head over to face Kade. "Now I KNOW I'm dreaming…" She trailed off, then whispered between gritted teeth to her bestie, "That's motherfucking _Sanji_ …."

A second later, however, Jess decided _she didn't care_ what the hell was going on. SANJI, the man of her dreams, was right in front of her, cooing like an idiot. She'd seen this a million times in the land of her dreams. That surely was a better thought than them being dead. Jess was a classic pessimist, but she heard they lived longer.

He was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen. His hair like spun gold, his eyes bluer than the midday sky. The way he was looking at her made her insides turn to mush. All coherent thought flew out of her head as her body moved on its own accord.

"Dead…? Dreaming…? Well, whatever the case is, I'm going to just do what I always wanted to do." Her lips split into a goofy grin as she reached out and touched Sanji on the cheek gently. "Hey…I guess you're here for another one of our famous make-out sessions, aren't you?"

Without another second of hesitation, Jess wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a long, toe-curling kiss.

* * *

 _End Notes: OH NO, it's a cliffhanger! What's going to happen? Will Sanji need an adult? Are Kade and Jess doing a lot of drugs? WILL THEY EVER EAT CADBURY MINI EGGS AGAIN? The horror!_

 _Anyway, on a more serious note, a HUGE thank-you to Steven (darkwingedmemory) for the title idea! We were all, 'durh-hurh' and couldn't think of a goddamned thing, lol._ _  
_


	2. WTF THE FUCK

**Chapter 2: WTF THE FUCK**

 _"_ _I'd give this fanfic 2 enthusiastic thumbs up!" –Red Hair Shanks, probably._

* * *

There was a collective gasp from the rest of the pirate crew as they watched the curly-haired _complete fucking stranger_ engage in an epic liplock with the resident chef. Nobody knew what to do. Brains were broken. Jaws hit the floor.

But nobody was more surprised than the blond man himself—never in his _wildest dreams_ could he have ever predicted this scenario, no matter how many times he had fantasized about women randomly grabbing him for a hot makeout session. This kind of thing just didn't happen! Yet here she was, pressed up against him and practically melting into him as if he were the oxygen she'd been so desperately deprived of.

It was…

It was just—

All of a sudden, an enormous geyser of blood burst from his nostrils. Sanji was sent flying backwards in an instant, crashing into the railing of the ship with a loud ' _crack!'_

"S-SANJI!" Chopper shrieked in alarm, immediately having flashbacks of the incident in Fishman Island in which a group of mermaids' boobs nearly ended Sanji's life. The reindeer dashed over toward the chef, who was slumped over with the dopiest of grins adorning his face and rivulets of crimson dribbling from his nose.

Kade snapped out of her daze as she demanded, "Jess, WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Jess had been in complete bliss until the moment Sanji's lips flew away from hers at an alarming speed, his blood taking their place. Jess wiped her hand across the bottom half of her face, noting the wet viscous liquid that came off with it as it dripped unceremoniously onto the grass. The entire front of her shirt was coated his blood as well, and she was so surprised that it took her a moment to collect her thoughts while her gaze traveled to where the fountain of blood had flung her dream prince.

 _This_ had never happened in her dreams. She and Sanji had always just made out like crazy, held hands and cuddled, but this…all this blood, and…and…

Jess's head shot up, her eyes widening as she met Kade's gaze. "OH MY GOD…THIS…THIS ISNT A DREAM, IS IT?"

The bewildered girl kept looking from Kade to Chopper fussing over Sanji, and down at her blood stained self, then back. Suddenly she couldn't help but break out into a grin of her own at what she'd just done. She was about to go off into la-la-land again when Kade snapped her fingers in front of Jess's face.

"Focus up!" Kade hissed.

Jess continued to grin, and gave her BFF a not-so-apologetic look. "What? Like you wouldn't be making out with Law if he were here!"

Kade looked chagrined as she hastily said, "Look, we don't know _what_ this is, but until we figure it out, let's not do any—"

As if on cue, the universe's sexiest surgeon materialized from somewhere on the Sunny, a stern look on his face and Kikoku slung over his shoulder. There was an awful lot of yelling going on up there—was it an enemy? Trafalgar Law, or at least a man who appeared to be him, sought out the Sunny's Captain.

"OI, Strawhat-ya, what's going on out here…?" He demanded in a deep, velvety voice.

"—thing…stupid…" Kade trailed off as her mouth suddenly went dry. She froze. _That voice_. It was like pure fucking silk—hell, it alone had the power to drop many a panty—and she would have known it anywhere. Slowly, in robotic increments, she turned her head to look back at him, and immediately a gust of breath left her lips. "Oh, fuck me," she cursed under her breath.

"SHE KILLED SANJI!" Usopp was shouting dramatically as he pointed an accusing finger at Jess. "They must be some kind of assassins! LUFFY, WHY DID YOU RESCUE THEM?!"

Law cocked his head to the side slightly as he eyed the newcomers. He was eerily calm, as if he saw incidents of hysteria and near-death all the time. Not too farfetched, really.

"Chopper-ya, do they need medical treatment?" His gaze moved to Sanji and he sighed heavily. "No need to even ask if _he_ does…"

Currently, Chopper was freaking out as he fussed over the fallen chef. "GYAAAH! HANG ON SANJI, DON'T DIE! I'll go set up an IV line for a blood transfusion so HOLD ON!" The little reindeer dashed off into the Sunny for his medical tools, his hooves clacking loudly as he hit the wooden parts of the deck.

Meanwhile Luffy just continued to grin and laugh at the scene laid out before him. "SHISHISHISHI THIS IS AWESOME!" He smelled an adventure coming on for sure.

"We…didn't do drugs, right…?" Kade whispered to Jess.

"YOU IDIOTS!" Nami's voice boomed above the others as she walked over to the blood-covered man. "Sanji-kun, are you alright?" When the only answer was just more gurgling and smiling, she rolled her eyes and walked away from him. "UGH, SO STUPID!"

Luffy's gaze wandered over to Jess and he announced, "I think you just made Sanji's dream come true!" He walked over and squatted in front of the woman with dark, curly hair and held out his hand. "I'm Monkey D. Luffy, the man who's going to be King of the Pirates!"

Kade gave a skeptical snort, "Yeah, sure you are…"

As Jess was getting a good look at Luffy, she couldn't bring herself to do anything but stare, and that…that catchphrase of his! She opened her mouth but all that would come out was, "Ah…uh…OH…UM…" before her eyes rolled back into her head and she lost consciousness in the soft grass of the deck.

Immediately, Luffy busted out laughing again. "SHISHISHISHI! YOU GUYS ARE FUNNY!" He exclaimed.

"Jess?" Kade shook her unconscious best friend, but to no avail; she was out like a light. "Christ, don't leave me alone with these…these… _whoever_ they are!"

"More strays, Strawhat-ya?" Law remarked after witnessing the curly-haired one's odd behavior.

"Oi! Trafal-guy, she's broken! Come fix her!" Luffy insisted.

Chopper came hurrying back, his arms full of all the medical equipment he could carry. He squeaked in alarm when he saw Jess's prone, keeled-over form on the grass. "Gah! Her, too?" He gave the Heart Pirate Captain a pleading look just then. "Trafal-guy, please help!"

Law made a small noise of discontent. Was this going to be just like that fucking fiasco on Punk Hazard, where the crew—though mainly Luffy—refused to cooperate until he had helped those drug-addled children? And this time he couldn't even use the excuse of not having any time to spare…

What the fuck was wrong with this crew?

Shaking his head slightly, the surgeon grudgingly walked over to where Kade was kneeling beside her unconscious friend. He squatted beside her, staring directly into her eyes.

"Are you hurt?" It was supposed to be a legitimate question, but it came out in a flat tone and sounded a little menacing.

Kade simply gawked back at him, rather like a deer in headlights. Her mind was racing. He was fucking gorgeous up close. What the hell? Those eyes, damn it, they practically pierced right through her. Steel-colored irises set above dark shadows. _Intense_. It was almost ridiculous. Was he actually trying to kill her?! She thought perhaps she was hallucinating, if not dreaming… Shit, whatever happened to the two of them must have been incredibly traumatic to result in _this_ level of psychosis!

It was just then that she realized she'd been silent and gaping for far too long, and her brain scrambled to put words together. "I…err…I don't—I can't remember," she finally stammered. "I don't know how we got here…"

Law looked quizzically at her, suspecting serious head trauma. He pressed his hand against Kade's forehead, feeling for a fever. It seemed they'd been fished out of the water, judging by the soaking wet clothes they were both garbed in.

"We need to get them into dry clothes," the surgeon announced, his gaze traveling to the navigator's. "The water down there is freezing and they're liable to start running fevers. Don't let Blackleg-ya near them, either."

"YOU ARE THE BEST, TRAFAL-GUY!" Luffy grinned and whipped his head over to meet the gaze of who appeared to be Nico Robin. "SEE ROBIN, I TOLD YOU HE WAS COOL!"

Luffy remembered the warning that she'd given him back on Punk Hazard about entering into an alliance with the former Shichibukai. But Law SAID he wouldn't betray him, and now look—he was helping more people! Luffy still believed he'd made the right choice.

"Indeed." Robin nodded, an amused look on her face.

Nami shook her head, suddenly remembering her duties as navigator, and she called for the shipwright. "FRANKY! Can you get the ship back on course?" The detour to save the two waterlogged women was taking them further from their intended destination by the second.

During the exchanges between the crewmates, Kade happened to glance down at herself. It was then that she noticed her handbag was still slung across her shoulder. That was it! Immediately she unzipped the waterlogged bag, retrieving what was surely to result in a plot point—her cell phone! How convenient that she'd managed to keep it with her despite nearly drowning in the ocean. Shit, why hadn't she thought about this before? She could call for help! They could actually get some answers as to where the hell they were!

But as she swiped her finger across the screen, her hopes were immediately dashed when there appeared to be no signal whatsoever. Kade felt her heart sink. "Shit. Of course. There _would_ be no fucking service out here." She grumbled out a sigh, glancing up at the surrounding crew members. "Don't suppose you guys happen to have a Wi-Fi hotspot out here…?"

Luffy tilted his head. "What's THAT taste like?!" Immediately, his mind was sucked into a food-themed tunnel. "Ahh, I'M SO HUNGRY! Oi, Chopper! Hurry up and fix Sanji so he can make lunch!"

Nami scowled. "Luffy, honestly!"

Kade frowned. She wondered if maybe these people were simply cosplayers. Really, _really_ fucking talented cosplayers. That was the only explanation she could think of! And damned if they weren't a dedicated bunch.

"Okay, yeah, you can stop playing dumb already," she said, rolling her eyes for effect. "Everyone knows what Wi-Fi is. WI-FI!" She repeated while most of them only gave her blank stares.

Usopp peered back at her in curiosity. "I've never heard of that! Does it have to do with that thing you're holding?" He gestured toward the device in Kade's hand.

Kade thought maybe she ought to give up for now; either they were determined to keep up the act, or she was simply in the midst of a major psychotic break. But before anything else could transpire, a 'yohohoho!' was heard from nearby and a living skeleton with a rather large afro pushed his way between Law and Kade.

"WAIT!" The black gaze of his eye sockets traveled to Kade's face. "Hello, young lady. Pleased to meet you! May I see your panties?"

"What the—" Kade balked as she took in the skeleton's appearance. "JESUS CHRIST, that one is dead! How did you _do_ that?!" She couldn't stop herself from staring, wondering how this particular cosplayer had managed to create such a realistic costume.

Brook bowed elegantly before her. "Ah, allow me to introduce myself! I am Dead Bones Brook! YOHOHOHO! I ate the Yomi Yomi Fruit before I died, but by the time my soul found its way back to my body, it was already JUST BONES!" He opened his mouth in a grin and laughed heartily once more.

Kade's eyes were wide in awe. "It looks SO REAL! Can I touch your face?" She asked without thinking.

The skeleton managed to blush, which was just about the weirdest fucking thing Kade had seen to date. "WHY, OF COURSE YOU CAN!" He continued to redden while Kade gingerly reached out to touch his cheekbone, grimacing slightly as she did so.

"Well, I'll give you this—you guys are pretty fucking serious about this," she said, still bewildered.

Luffy crammed himself between Law and the two girls just then, and then began to slap Jess in the face. "HEY! HEY, WAKE UP! OOIIIII!"

Nami stomped over to grab Luffy by the cheek, pulling his face back toward her. "Cut that out, you idiot! YOU'RE HURTING HER!"

"I just wanted her to wake up," Luffy pouted.

"That's just going to KILL HER!" Nami snapped back in exasperation.

Jess began muttering in her unconscious state; the words 'Sanji' and 'mellorine' could be heard amidst incoherent babbling. Moments later, her eyes fluttered open and she sat up, disoriented. She squinted up at the two figures who were standing near her, and recognizing who they were, she greeted them without thinking.

"Oh, hey Luffy. Nami."

Nami took a quick step back, her eyes widening. "WHAT? We didn't tell you our names…"

"I DID!" Luffy piped up. "But she was passed out."

The navigator continued to step away from the girls slowly, calling over her shoulder, "FRANKY! Are we back on course yet? Please tell me _something_ has gone right today…"

A loud, gravelly voice called back to her, "ALMOST, NAMI! We took a suuuuuuuuuuper detour!"

Law shook his head, the physician in him taking over. "They both need to lay down, and they need dry clothes as soon as possible. Nami-ya, Nico-ya, maybe you have something they can fit in."

Jess snorted at his suggestion. "Not likely, with the chests _they_ have."

Kade crossed her arms tightly in defiance. "No, I don't want to lay down, I want answers!" She insisted.

Jess finally got a look at the person tending to them, and her cheeks immediately reddened. Unable to contain herself, her mouth dropped open and she blurted out, _"DAYUUMMM!_ He's so fucking hot!"

Law's face twitched in annoyance, but he held back since she was currently his patient.

Jess continued addressing herself to Kade, "Man, homie, I can't wait to wake up so I can tell you about this fucking awesome dream! Don't worry, I won't make out with Law too."

Kade grimaced. "Jess, seriously…"

"What?" She seemed genuinely baffled, as if she didn't think she'd said anything wrong.

Nami ignored their exchange and simply looked past them to Law. "I'll go see what clothes we can find for them." With that, she turned and walked swiftly toward the upper deck, disappearing up the stairs and through the door to the women's quarters.

Kade watched her go, and then let out an exasperated sigh. She tilted her head toward Jess and muttered, "I think these guys are probably cosplayers, but they haven't broken character AT ALL."

"Wait…you mean there was a One Piece convention in Colorado and we WEREN'T at it? Or GOING TO IT? Or even KNEW ABOUT IT? What lake is this that we're on?"

"DUDE, there AREN'T any lakes like this in Colorado! We aren't even IN Colorado anymore…"

"Oh…HERP DERP, I guess I really don't know anything about geography! And all these guys ARE speaking English."

"Oh yeah, I noticed I could actually understand what they're saying…" Even as Kade said this, a part of her doubted the cosplayer theory again. Law's voice sounded exactly the same as she'd always heard it in the anime, just…the words were different, that was all. It was so fucking surreal.

Luffy laughed loudly again. "SEE LOOK, THEY'RE COOL! They know about One Piece!" He jumped closer to the two of them. "HEY! Do you guys want to join my crew?"

Jess grinned at the boy. "Fuck yeah I do, Luffy! I've been waiting my whole life for you to ask me that!"

"SHISHISHISHI, AWESOME! But you can't break Sanji again, I need him to cook for me!"

Kade smacked Jess lightly on the arm. "Okay, if you keep doing that I might have to pretend I don't know you. You'll get us in trouble talking like that!"

Jess rolled her eyes. "Come ON, Fucking Monkey D. Luffy just asked me to join his crew. Even if it's fake I'm not gonna say NO."

Law looked slightly alarmed by her words, but then again, Luffy _was_ a world-famous and extremely wanted pirate. "You two are rather suspicious…"

But they didn't seem to have heard him, even though he was right there in front of them, because the two ladies continued to banter back and forth:

"I'd rather wait until we know what the hell is going on before just blurting stuff out," Kade argued, trying to convince Jess to be more discreet. "And anyway, if it _is_ a dream then which one of us is dreaming?"

Jess shrugged. "I don't know, but it's the most realistic dream either of us has ever had. I mean…haven't we talked about how much we wanted something like this to happen a hundred times?"

The cold was quickly catching up to them after being wet and in the wind for so long, and Kade began to shiver harder. "I am NOT kidding, I'm going to start telling them you're crazy." She hugged herself in an attempt to hold in whatever warmth was left in her body.

"Oh PLEASE," Jess retorted. "Like Luffy WOULDN'T ask us to join his crew? Obviously that's part of the act!"

"Just…let's just…maybe play along until we know a little more about what's going on," Kade insisted, and then looked up to notice Nami and Robin returning to the lower deck with some dry clothes.

Even covered in blood and freezing, Jess seemed to have her mind on other things. "Do you think Sanji's okay?"

Everyone ignored her question as the girls presented the newcomers with the clothing.

"These look like they might fit you," Nami said.

Jess looked at them suspiciously, "They're not just bras, are they?"

Nami frowned at her bluntness. "NO, we just left somewhere cold! These are warm clothes, hopefully you'll stop shivering. And also, _you're welcome._ "

Kade was first to reach out and accept the offered clothing from Nami, attempting a look of gratitude, although it was hard to tell which emotion managed to make it onto her partially frozen face. "Th-thanks. Um, where's your bathroom?"

Robin smiled back, an unreadable expression in her eyes. "I'll show you to it," she said, motioning for Kade to follow along.

Kade hesitated for a moment, unsure of whether or not she should leave Jess alone. For a whole range of reasons, really. She was being _far_ too familiar with them and Kade was sure that they were going to get into trouble somehow. However, after some consideration, the chill won out and she nodded her assent. "Well, alright…"

As Robin led Kade into the ship, the commotion on the deck continued in full-swing. Brook had begun to practically float about, murmuring something about how one of the newcomers had touched his skull. Sanji was still smiling like an idiot while unconscious, as Chopper monitored the blood transfusion. Luffy bounded over to the two of them, hovering over the chef as he anxiously awaited Sanji's return to consciousness and, subsequently, the kitchen.

"Ugh," Nami sighed, palming her forehead. "We just can't catch a break…"

"Hey Nami," Jess spoke up once Kade and Robin were out of hearing range, "are you and Usopp dating?"

Jess happened to be a hardcore UsoNam shipper and she just couldn't help herself from asking, even though she knew that there was no romance in One Piece. Not any _serious_ romance, anyway.

The orange-haired girl looked at her quizzically. "What…? What are you talking about?" Nami shook her head. "I'm still weirded out by the fact that you already knew our names…speaking of which, what's yours?"

"Call me Jess." She grinned back at Nami.

Nami narrowed her eyes, stepping closer. "Jess…are you, by chance, a government SPY?"

"WHAT?! No…no, I work at a medical billing company. I yell at insurance companies all day to give me money!"

Beli signs suddenly lit up Nami's eyes. "Money, huh?"

Jess laughed. "You're so much like the real Nami! Can I see your Clima-Tact?"

Usopp, who'd been listening in on them nearby, suddenly piped up, "Oi, what did you mean when you said the 'REAL' Nami?"

"MY thoughts exactly," Nami said, crossing her arms as she contemplated this 'Jess.' Sure, the Strawhat pirates had made quite the name for themselves and it certainly wouldn't be unusual for civilians to have heard a great deal about them, but still…Jess's familiarity with the crew struck her as odd and a little unnerving.

Usopp snapped his fingers just then. "Oh! You must be referring to those imposters who were on Sabaody! Yeah they were pretty ugly, but our real selves are much better looking!" He said with a wide and boastful grin.

Not being able to help herself, Jess gave Usopp a once over and hummed with approval. "You're right about that, damn boy you got really sexy these past two years! You're even better looking in person!" She turned back to the navigator momentarily. "Nami, you gotta lock this one down," she said with a wink.

Nami shook her head. "What are you going on about? Are there rumors that me and Usopp are dating?"

Usopp laughed nervously and blushed at Jess's compliments, rubbing the back of his head. "AHAHAHA, well of course I know that!" Inside, he was so awkward about this entire conversation. No woman had ever complimented his appearance before, despite the number of female fans he claimed to have. And now apparently there were rumors flying about him and Nami?

Jess continued to study Usopp now that he'd stopped accusing her of Sanji's murder and wasn't so standoffish. His nose looked incredibly real—not at all like a prosthetic that a cosplayer would use. She wanted to touch it, but figured she was already being weird enough. If she grabbed Usopp's nose out of the blue, that would probably tip the scales in favor of the Strawhats throwing her back overboard.

Law walked over to where Luffy was hovering over Sanji as Chopper continued to tend him. "There's something off about those two…I wouldn't trust them if I were you, Strawhat-ya."

"HEY!" Luffy protested. "They seem nice."

Law shook his head. "Nico-ya was right, you ARE too trusting…" Typical Luffy behavior, as Law was beginning to find out firsthand.

 _He_ didn't plan to trust anyone who just so conveniently came out of nowhere needing their help, that was for damn sure. In fact, if it were up to him, he'd have just kept on sailing toward their original destination. It wasn't as if Law were some kind of heartless bastard…okay, well, _technically_ at the moment his physical heart was locked up somewhere safe below deck, so if you wanted to be precise then sure, he was quite literally _heartless_ at the moment. Still, there were more important issues at play; particularly a personal mission thirteen years in the making, and time was of the essence right now.

Law would be damned if he allowed a couple of weirdo strangers and the Strawhat crew's mindless misadventures to get in the way of seeing his quest through to the end.


	3. A Transsexual Gundam

**Chapter 3: A Transsexual Gundam  
**

 _"_ _It's a nice story, but it's nothing compared to that one time in summer camp when I was five years old and this army of—hey, wait, come back!" –Usopp_

* * *

Kade stood in the midst of the Sunny's luxurious bathroom, having spent at least five minutes simply _marveling_ at the sight of it. How many times had she seen this very room animated on her television screen? And despite that number of times, it still floored her with its sheer awesome-osity. The bathtub was gigantic. She wasn't ashamed of the fact that she'd poked around a fair amount, opening drawers and nosing about. Franky was a hell of a shipwright. Shit, no wonder Nami spent so much time in here; this was the bomb diggity of all restrooms.

She peeled off her wet clothing, hanging them over a divider screen to dry, and then picked up the fluffy towel Robin had given her. Once she had patted herself dry, Kade pulled on the clean shirt and jeans that Nami had lent her. Despite her concern over Nami's unrealistic proportions, the garments seemed to fit just fine—quite comfortably, even. The shirt was a soft, simple v-neck in a rich wine color and the faded jeans were made of a durable, yet stretchy fabric. They actually made her ass look fabulous, and as Kade spent another several minutes attempting to twerk in front of the mirror, she had to hand it to Nami for having such good taste in clothing.

When she'd finally finished goofing around and making amusing faces at herself, Kade stood back to run her hands through her tangled hair. It was at that moment she realized with a start that for some reason she'd gone until the third chapter of this story before the authors bothered to describe her appearance. Didn't self-inserts typically lead with dramatic, purple-prose descriptions of the main characters?

Anyway, her long, dark hair—still wet from the adventure in the middle of the fucking ocean—fell to the middle of her back and framed her face. Green eyes peered back at her beneath thick, painstakingly-shaped eyebrows (those damned things had to be very carefully manicured thanks to her father's uni-brow gene). Still…she didn't _look_ very dead. Her face, though rather pale from the cold, remained the same as always; somewhat flat nose, high-set cheekbones, square chin…even the faint scar on her left cheek was still there.

Yep, definitely still _Kade._

She sighed and found herself staring out the circular window. This was all just so fucking bizarre. How could those people down there really be the Strawhat pirates? Was she totally insane after all?

Kade wasn't entirely sure what she and Jess should do at this point, but she'd spent entirely too much time in the bathroom already. If she dawdled any longer, she knew that Robin would become suspicious. Hell, Robin was a smart woman—she was likely _already_ suspicious.

So, hearing Jess's voice floating in from down the ladder, she began to make her way down into the library to allow the other girl an opportunity to change in private.

She climbed down most of the way and then jumped down from the last several rungs. "It definitely _looks_ like the Sunny," Kade murmured to her best friend, keeping her voice down. Robin was waiting on one of the wraparound benches, looking as though she were reading the paper but Kade was certain she was likely keeping a close eye on them both. "Right down to every last damn detail…"

Jess motioned for her to follow her as she climbed the ladder up to the bathroom, and once they were both in the room together, she spoke quietly back to her. "Hey…Usopp's nose looks _real._ "

Kade crinkled her nose. "That doesn't really prove anything."

Jess made her way over to the sink and squeezed her hair out over it, though there wasn't much to grab; she had cropped it short a couple of years back. It never grew longer—only wider—and she certainly couldn't rock an afro the same way Brook could. She squinted at her reflection in the mirror. Huge green eyes and long dark lashes stared back at her. She wet a small wash cloth in the sink and began rubbing the leftover streaks of Sanji's blood from her skin. Her face was round, with equally round cheeks—something Jess usually despised, but as it was keeping her face youthful to the point where people mistook her for several years younger, she had stopped complaining.

Kade leaned against the basin, falling a couple inches shorter than her best friend, and listened to Jess's musings while she continued to clean her face.

"If they _are_ cosplayers, well, this is ridiculously elaborate." Jess gestured to the room and accessories around them. "But it does make sense that they would have a Law. He's super popular in One Piece right now. I haven't seen their Zoro yet, but he's gotta be around here somewhere. Probably asleep, since he only sleeps like a few hours a night." She snorted in amusement, and then her gaze dropped to study the purple shirt she was wearing. It had so much blood caked onto it that it looked as if she'd murdered someone. "Would it be weird to keep this as a memento?"

Kade gave her an incredulous look. "You really need to change out of that already!" She turned to go and Jess grabbed her sleeve.

"Hey, don't think I didn't see the way you were looking at that Law guy! Like he was your dream come true." She grinned cheekily at the shorter girl, whose cheeks flushed slightly as she slapped at Jess.

"Don't you even talk. Kissing somebody like that out of the blue, how out of character for you!" Kade teased back.

"Bah!" Jess continued to grin. "You're just jealous!"

Kade stuck her tongue out at Jess playfully before ducking out of the room and shimmying down the ladder once more. Jess changed quickly into the clothes Robin had loaned her; black pants that were made out of some sort of compression-like material, making them skintight, and scoop-neck shirt in a coral color. It was a little baggy in the chest area, but still looked cute nonetheless.

Jess adjusted her jade bangle bracelet that she never took off, then marveled at the fact that her white gold hoop earrings had remained in place through the whole ordeal. She ran her fingers through her wet curls a few more times before rejoining Kade just outside the bathroom.

"So…what should we do now? I'm kind of dying for some coffee, but I don't want to be rude. Do you think we could ask for a tour of the ship or something?" There were practically stars in her eyes.

Kade had to roll her eyes at that question. "What, is there anything about this ship they _don't_ think you know about already?" She snorted as Jess made a face. "Anyway, I was thinking…like, I _want_ to believe this is real, but…that's crazy, isn't it? But at the same time…" She trailed off and began again. "I mean, when I asked if they had Wi-Fi, they looked at me as if I had suddenly grown another fucking head. Plus, well…even if they _are_ cosplayers, we were in trouble back there. We were stranded in the fucking ocean! You'd think they would have called for help. Like, a coast guard or something, you know?"

Jess nodded in agreement. "Yeah, plus their Chopper was really small and furry, and…I don't know! I've dreamed about this happening for like ten years now, but it's so hard to wrap my head around it that it…might...be…" She trailed off as her face colored scarlet and she covered her mouth, remembering the first thing she'd done once they were on the ship.

"…oh my God, I…I kissed Sanji," she said, awestruck. "…and…he tasted disgusting! Like an ashtray, nothing like he does in my dreams! But…he _does_ look exactly how I pictured a real-life Sanji would look…" She smiled softly and let out a little sigh. Her eyes widened a moment later and she slapped her cheeks with her hands. "No! No, no, no, no, this is no time to get gushy! How are we going to get home? CAN we even get home? This is the weirdest fucking shit I swear…"

It was Kade's turn to sigh. "I'm so fucking confused. How did we even GET here? What HAPPENED? We were supposed to be going to Denver today, and not that I'm complaining if this is really where we think it is, but…that just makes for more questions than answers." Kade shrugged. "I don't know homie, I…let's just go back down there, maybe it'll come back to us."

Jess nodded. "Yeah this is like some kind of bad self-insert story…" She held her hands up, "OH NOES, WE FELL INTO OUR FAVORITE ANIME!"

Both girls turned and stared straight ahead for a moment, as if they were characters on The Office…but instead of a withering glare, they wore a coy smirk on each of their faces.

Jess turned back to Kade. "Anyway, let me know if you hear someone narrating and talking about our shapely breasts and buttocks." She thought for a moment. "Hey…but you DID see "Law's" ass, didn't you?"

Kade scoffed at that question. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She asked with an incredulous shake of her head. "Of _course_ I saw it!" Suddenly she had to stifle a giggle, becoming very aware of Robin's eyes upon them.

Jess gave her a nudge, and they both busted out laughing like the time Kade had stumbled across that "Because I can, Fag-ya" post on Tumblr.

Robin glanced up from her reading to call out, "Shall I escort you both back downstairs?"

"Err…" Kade coughed, hoping that Robin hadn't planted ears in their vicinity. "Yeah, we're ready."

"Yes, ma'am!" Jess echoed.

Back on the lower deck, Nami was still arguing with Luffy over the crew's most recent acquisition.

"Sure, they _seem_ nice," she said, casting furtive glances toward a still-recovering Sanji on the other side of the lawn, "and I'm flattered that we have fans, but I don't know if we should trust them! In fact, I _know_ we shouldn't! They can't join the crew, okay?"

Luffy emitted a high-pitched whine. "But BROOK joined the same way!" He argued.

"Yeah, after we had to fight an entire ZOMBIE PIT for him!" The red-head countered.

"That was fun!" Luffy grinned back. "I wonder who we'll get to fight _this_ time?"

Nami pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned, "I feel a migraine coming on…"

Law scowled. "You're an idiot, Strawhat-ya. We're just warning you to be more careful. You can't just trust _anybody."_

"I trusted _you,"_ Luffy pointed out rather unexpectedly, which silenced Law for the moment.

Nami shushed the two of them just then. "Look, they're coming back! Don't act stupid."

As the words left Nami's mouth, the group's eyes traveled over to Jess and Kade. A moment later, Jess tripped over Zoro's sleeping form and she nearly face-planted on the deck.

"Hey! ...I'm sleeping," the green-haired man mumbled, and then went back to sleep without noticing that it wasn't one of his crewmates who had disturbed his rest.

Luffy grinned, running up to Jess and Kade while yelling a greeting. "HEY! You guys are dry, SHISHISHI!" He looped a rubbery arm around each of them and whispered in a low voice, "Nami says I can't ask you to join the crew…but I still think it's okay." His face split into a shit-eating grin.

Kade was momentarily distracted by the thought of RORONOA FUCKING ZORO being only a few feet away from them, but came back to earth after Luffy addressed them. "Um…we sort of need to figure out where we are first, and how to get home for that matter."

"You're on my SHIP!" Luffy quipped without missing a beat. "We're going to Dressrosa, but there are probably some islands on the way and we can take to you to one of them! Which island are you guys from anyway?"

Jess fidgeted. She wanted to go check on Sanji but she felt embarrassed and guilty over what had transpired earlier. After a pause, she managed to answer, "Yeah, I'm not from an island, I'm from Louisiana."

Usopp looked confused. "I've never heard of a place like that. You'll have to be more specific."

"Well, you guys have American accents so you should know!" Jess replied, equally confused. "It's one of the states down south. Sometimes it sucks, but you know, it's home."

Leaving those two for the time being, Nami walked over and addressed Kade directly, folding her arms lightly. "I didn't get _your_ name…"

"Me?" Kade blinked, before recalling that she had not actually introduced herself. "It's…I'm Kade," she said as she glanced around at the others. As an afterthought, she said quickly, "I don't think I got all of _your_ names, either."

"Really?" Usopp looked skeptical. "Well your friend seems to know us pretty well!"

Jess gave him a sheepish grin. "What can I say, I'm a fan!" Her cheeks flushed red and she looked elsewhere, finding an excuse to keep an eye on the blond chef nearby. He had just begun to regain consciousness, although seemed to be swaying back and forth while chanting 'Mellorine, mellorine, mellorine!' in a sing-song tone.

Kade wilted a bit. "Ah, well, she's…um… Is it really that uncommon for people to know who you are? I mean, you make the paper a lot lately. Even I know that."

Usopp chuckled, placing both hands on his hips. "It's true! We _are_ pretty infamous, especially me, Usopp! I'm the crew's Marksman! Those reporters are chasing me down any chance they get, and people are always asking me for an autograph. Would you like one, too? Actually, that reminds me of the time I—"

"HEY, TRAFAL-GUY!" Luffy shouted, drowning out the beginning of Usopp's story. "COME OVER HERE! THEY CAME BACK!"

"LUFFY, I WAS TALKING!" Usopp seethed, but Luffy wasn't paying any attention to him and neither was Kade—her fucking heart practically jumped out of her chest at the mention of Law's name and then she very suddenly had lost all ability to form cognitive thoughts. _  
_

"OI, TRAFAL-GUY! I don't think he can hear me," Luffy concluded when the group watched Law purposefully turn his back to them and pull down the brim of his hat. "I'll get him!" Without warning, Luffy flung a stretchy arm toward the Surgeon of Death, defying all the laws of physics in the process. His hand grasped Law's shoulder and then the rubbery arm snapped backward, dragging a grumpy Law back with it.

Law immediately straightened, shrugging himself out of Luffy's grasp to reprimand the grinning Captain. "Oi, keep your hands to yourself!" He scowled, fixing the mushroom-shaped hat on his head.

Luffy only laughed loudly in response. It really _was_ useless to try and admonish him. He marched to the beat of his own fucking drum, and if Law wanted his help, well, it seemed as though he'd just have to grit his teeth and go along with this idiocy for now.

So he sighed through his teeth and turned to face the two newcomers, eyeing them with a fair amount of scrutiny. "Keep in mind, this _is_ a pirate ship. We may have rescued you both, but that doesn't guarantee your safety." His words were delivered with a purposeful note of malevolence, his eyes scanning each of them carefully. "This arrangement is only temporary. Strawhat-ya may feel the need to solve every problem that comes along, but pirates like him are uncommon. Don't get used to it."

"Uh…" Was Kade's ever-so-eloquent response, having suddenly entered a haze of stupidity usually reserved for math classes and politics. The foreboding manner in which he spoke gave her fucking chills. Jesus, he was intense! She didn't even think he had blinked at all since he'd made eye contact with her. She pursed her lips, finding herself speechless, and it finally began to dawn on her that he might _actually be_ Trafalgar Law.

Jess managed to tear her eyes away from him, making up an excuse to exit the conversation. "I, uh…since I almost killed your crew-mate earlier, I think I should go see if he's okay…" With that, she turned on her heel and began to hurry over to where Sanji was still laying in the grass.

Once Jess was near enough, she addressed the furry physician. "Hey…is he alright?"

Chopper glanced up at her for a minute then finally said, "He'll pull through, but you need to be careful around him! Sanji's weakness is women, you know. Another nosebleed like the one he just had could be fatal for him…" He nodded with an air of seriousness, hoping to impress this upon Jess.

She lowered her head at his admonition. "I'm…I'm sorry, I really don't know what came over me…" Jess glanced up and studied Chopper for a bit. His fur looked so soft, though she supposed she shouldn't just start petting him. Besides…there was her mellorine prince right in front of her…

The woman knelt beside the blond chef, reaching tentatively for his hand, grasping the nearest one in both of hers. "Sanji…can you hear me? I'm so sorry, Sanji…"

The dopey smile on Sanji's face widened at the sound of the feminine voice nearby. "I had the loveliest dream about you, Princess… It was the most wonderful, amazing moment…" He giggled just then, and a small trickle of blood escaped one nostril.

Jess grinned back, a blush tinting her cheeks. "Are you sure it was a dream…?"

"Oi!" Chopper wedged his small form between the two of them. "Are you trying to make him faint from blood loss again?"

"No! I just…" Jess quickly released her hold on Sanji's hand. "I'm sorry…"

Sanji blinked up at her, a look of adoration in his visible eye. "I don't think I heard your name, Miss…?"

"I'm Jess," she answered, taking the cloth that Chopper was holding and using it to gently clean the rest of the blood off his face. "I want to apologize for earlier. I... want to apologize to you for what I did. I was really disoriented when I came out of the water and I thought I was dreaming…or hallucinating. So... I'm really sorry about that."

Sanji continued to smile dreamily up at her. "I don't recall what happened, but whatever it was, I absolutely accept your apology, Jess-chwan," he cooed.

Jess chuckled and patted his hand, her cheeks still rosy just from being near him. "Alright then! Are you feeling better now?"

"I'm doing wonderfully now that you're here…you must be an angel sent to watch over me!" He crooned.

Jess grinned and blushed. "Nooooo, no, no, no, I'm not an angel." Her heart was pounding against her rib cage, even as she tried to swear to herself that she wouldn't be taken in by those beautiful blue eyes… She couldn't help herself. A surge of fondness and emotion swelled through her at his voice and his words.

She knew what he was like, that was for sure, and she really shouldn't count herself special. Ten years of being a die-hard One Piece fan had taught her that Sanji was just like this with _anything_ female. This wasn't real…he didn't know her. Still, Jess couldn't help letting herself get swept up in this moment, so like many of her fantasies both while sleeping and awake. She felt herself getting closer to him, almost unconsciously, her hand reaching out to brush a strand of his hair back into place. His visible eyebrow was so perfectly curled. It was truly _him_ who was the angel here…that is, if he _w_ _ere_ the real Sanji…

Jess sighed, thinking she could just gaze at him all day and she'd be happy.

From across the deck, Nami rolled her eyes at the scene she'd been watching from afar, giving Usopp a nudge. "Can you believe her? Just look at them! I don't think any woman has ever treated Sanji like that before," she said with a look of amusement.

Kade coughed slightly, again feeling the need to compensate for Jess's obvious lack of discretion. "Oh, you know, she's...err, she's just a _really_ big fan of Sanji. Reads about him all the time!" As if _that_ weren't the understatement of the fucking century.

Nami chuckled. "Well, I'm sure he'll love to hear that. He doesn't really have much luck with women. She probably only saw him when he was acting cool," she added with a snort.

Kade found herself biting her lip and nodding along. "Yeah, something like that." Her eyes settled on Jess and Sanji as they sat across from each other, stars practically shining in their eyes. Shit, she was charming the pants off him! Kade, on the other hand...she imagined she would have no such luck in that department. As if Trafalgar Law would ever go for her! Would he even go for anyone at all? She sighed, pushing the thought from her mind. Now was definitely not the time for that. "Well, anyway...don't mind either of us. We're probably a little delirious from exhaustion."

"You should be resting," came Law's aloof remark, as if he didn't actually care one way or the other. "That water was near freezing, and it's not much warmer up here."

Nami nodded along. "He's right. Why don't the two of you get some rest? Then when you wake up, we'll figure out the next step."

Kade shrugged, finding it difficult to argue with that. "Alright...someone want to show us where we'll be crashing?"

"I will," Nami quickly replied. She looked back across the lawn and called out, "Er...JESS! Trafal-guy thinks you should both get some rest. I'm showing your friend to the room now!"

Jess snapped out from her reverie and looked over at Nami, nodding. She turned back to Sanji, giving his hand a squeeze. "Hey…I've got to go rest now, but I'm sure I'll see you later…unless mean old Law kicks us off the ship."

"I'll never let that happen, Jess-chwan! You can trust me, I'll protect you." Sanji said earnestly and gave her a serious look. "Please get some rest, we'll definitely see each other again soon!"

He smiled at her again and Jess felt something akin to a jolt of lightning course through her body. "I know you will…" She took a moment to compose herself and stand before walking over to join Kade and Nami, pausing to look back at Sanji every so often.

Law rolled his eyes at the exchange and then gave another doctor's order. "Have some tea to warm up before you rest."

Luffy was in the background valiantly trying to wake Zoro up. "YOU'RE MISSING THE EXCITEMENT!'

The swordsman only swatted at the Captain, yelling a protest of, "LUFFY! I only slept three hours last night!"

Kade smirked a bit and said, "Well, I don't really want to be a bother for you guys. Just point met to the kitchen and I'll get some tea myself." She gave Jess a look as the other woman sidled up to her with a goofy grin.

"Hi…" Jess said in a breathy manner.

Kade shook her head in amusement. "Down, girl."

"Come on," Nami interjected, "I'll make tea. I could use some myself right now anyway."

The two ladies followed Nami toward the kitchen, Kade practically dragging Jess along behind her.

"This is a nice ship you've got," Kade remarked, admiring its craftsmanship.

"Thanks. Franky built it for us," Nami explained. "You didn't get to meet him yet, but trust me, he's pretty hard to miss. He's kind of enormous, and…weird. But—"

"Like a Gundam," Kade whispered to Jess.

"A transsexual Gundam," Jess whispered back. "With terrible fashion sense." They both adored Franky, honest.

"—and he's the best damn shipwright in the world," Nami was saying as she led them through the kitchen door. She gestured toward the large table. "Have a seat. I'll warm up some water."

Kade sat down, drumming her fingers onto the wooden surface while they waited for the water to boil. After several minutes, she spoke up. "So, um…that guy, the doctor…what's up with him? He seems a little standoffish."

"Hm?" Nami turned to look at her for a moment before she realized, "Oh, Law? That's just how he is, I guess. We're currently in an alliance with his crew, so he's traveling with us for now. He's really not much of a people person from what I can tell, especially for a medical professional." She gave a snort, coming around to the table to set some cups of tea in front of the two ladies before continuing, "He's separated from his own crew right now. I wonder if he misses them? There's some kind of agenda he has, and I don't know if we can really trust him… One thing's for sure, it's definitely not safe for you two to be with us. Definitely not."

"I see…" Kade practically had to bite her tongue to keep from making any comments about Doflamingo, and instead busied herself with picking up her mug and cooling her tea. "Thanks. And also, thank you for rescuing us. We probably would have died if you hadn't."

Jess probably would have agreed, had she not been off in space somewhere. Presently she was stirring her tea idly, her face practically glowing red.

"Of course," Nami said with a nod. "We wouldn't have just left you out there to die, you know! Luffy would never allow that, no matter how much Law didn't want to stop and help out." She snorted. "So sulky, that one."

Kade couldn't help but smirk at that. She certainly was aware of that already. "He's pretty cute, though," she blurted out before she could think to stop herself. "Err…I mean…" She felt her cheeks flush, and immediately looked the other way.

Nami was grinning like the cat who swallowed the canary, though she surprised Kade by agreeing with her statement. "Oh yes, he _is_ rather handsome," she replied, taking a sip of her own tea. "But he sure does get broody. And he's just as reckless as Luffy. He's got some serious focus on whatever he's aiming for…sometimes I still wonder if the alliance was a good idea, but…" she shrugged, "he's been a good partner so far."

Nodding, Kade began to gulp down the rest of her tea before she said something _else_ she would regret. "Well, that was some really good tea," she announced once she had drained her cup. "Think it's about time to cash out, Jess?" When she received no response, Kade reached over to snap her fingers in front of the other girl's face.

Jess turned to look at Kade, a goofy smile on her face as she mouthed, "Sanji's _real."_

Nami nodded. "Yeah, she's really out of it. Come on, both of you, I'll show you to the women's quarters."


	4. Do You Even Lift, Bro?

**Chapter 4: Do You Even Lift, Bro?**

" _Better than sliced bread, I guess." –Trafalgar Law, who thinks sliced bread is the devil incarnate._

* * *

That night, Kade's dreams played in an endless loop as she slept. They didn't make much sense and were comprised mostly of random sounds and emotions; the crunching of metal, horrified screams, vertigo…and probably worst of all was the sensation of fear and utter helplessness, so powerful that it nearly turned her blood to ice…

She awoke with a start sometime early in the morning hours, gasping as her eyes snapped open. Pushing herself up, she failed to notice the young man who had perched just inches away from her face and their heads collided in an instant.

Some sound not unlike a giant rubber band snapping was heard just then. Luffy's head bounced off of hers, lolling backward as his neck stretched much further than any normal human's should.

"OW!" Kade shouted out, groggily clutching her forehead in pain. "What the—?!"

Luffy's head snapped upright, nearly bashing Kade's skull once more. He was wearing a big grin as he laughed and readjusted his hat. "You're awake!" He proclaimed loudly. He'd been sitting cross-legged on a stool beside the bed she was currently sharing with Jess, apparently just waiting for them to wake up.

Hearing the commotion from just outside the room, Nami immediately rushed inside to make sure that everything was alright. "LUFFY!" She hissed, noting that Chopper was still asleep with his head pillowed on the mattress at the edge of the bed. "Just let them sleep!"

Kade blinked in momentary confusion, glancing about the room in wide-eyed wonder. Sleep had allowed her to forget that she and Jess had somehow wound up in the world of One Piece…or, at least, a damned good impersonation of it. Though if she had any doubts about the reality of the situation before, they were completely erased upon witnessing Luffy's elasticity with her own eyes.

"Um…Jesus," she remarked after finally finding her voice.

"Huh? Who's that?" He dug a finger into one ear. "I'm LUFFY! The man who's going to become Pirate King!"

Kade let out a small laugh. "Right... You scared the hell out of me, uh…Luffy…" She breathed out a sigh, shaking her head in disbelief. _Luffy._ She had just called him _Luffy…_ This shit was so surreal!

"SHISHISHI! Good morning!" He said, immediately disregarding Nami's scolding. "I was wondering how long you were going to sleep for. It's been a WHOLE DAY AND NIGHT! You should get up soon, or you'll miss an adventure! You're better now, right? Right?!"

Nami stormed up behind him, her teeth sharp as daggers as she smacked him upside the head. "Luffy, honestly! Give her some space!" She grabbed his lips, holding them shut with one hand. "What did I say about talking? Jess is still sleeping."

Jess stirred slightly from her position on the bed at all the commotion. Her hands reached out as if she were stretching and they landed on something soft. She immediately pulled the soft item into her arms and snuggled it. The soft thing happened to be Chopper at bedside vigil, and he groaned slightly in his sleep but then snuggled her back.

Jess mumbled in her sleep, thinking that Chopper was one of her dogs back home. "No, Bobo…don't be a growly boy…"

Kade ran her fingers through her disheveled hair, having suddenly realized that she might look like a disaster, which was the last thing she wanted to look like in front of the pirate crew she'd admired for so long.

"Oh it's okay, if we were really asleep for a whole twenty-four hours then I think it's time to get up." Kade snorted as she watched Chopper struggle in his entrapment.

Jess groaned, blinking bleary eyes that finally shot open and she bolted upright in bed. "THAT'S RIGHT!" She exclaimed, then looked down at her furry companion. "OMGOSH!" She stared down at him for a long moment before announcing, "He's even cuter in person!" She hugged the doctor even more tightly and rubbed her cheek against his face.

"Even if you say that, it won't make me happy, you asshole!" Chopper squealed.

Luffy grinned and laughed. "SHISHISHISHI, He is the best, right?! Hey, you guys need to come outside and play with me now. I'm so bored and Zoro won't wake up!"

"Absolutely not," Nami cut in, giving Luffy a hard slap upside the head. "We need Chopper and Trafal-guy to check them out first. We pulled them from the ocean, for heaven's sake! Speaking of which, it's a really good thing you two aren't devil fruit users…"

Luffy's head made a loud 'BOING' sound and he pouted. "Aw Nami…"

"Then they need something to eat since they've been out for a whole day," she continued.

Luffy sulked, kicking his sandaled foot at the floor but brightened up when Nami said the word 'eat'. "Oh yeah! I'm starving too!" He looked over his shoulder towards the door and yelled "HEY TRAFAL-GUY, GET IN HERE! Hurry up and look at my new friends!"

Law strode in after a few seconds, having already been on his way to the women's quarters to check on the castaways. "Strawhat-ya…why are you yelling?"

"HEY, GOOD, HE'S HERE! Hurry up!" Luffy fairly pushed the surgeon towards Kade.

"Shishishi, do the exam so we can go eat!"

Law gave the other pirate dirty look. "Enough, get out of the way so I can examine her. You're too close," he admonished, earning another pout from Luffy. No matter how abrasive he was to the boy, Luffy insisted they were the best of friends instead of merely allies. As far as Law was concerned, at least 80% of this crew was absolutely nuts.

Kade froze upon the surgeon's sudden proximity. Shit, it was as if Luffy were trying to kill her! She quietly sucked in a deep breath, willing herself to play it cool and not say anything dumb; don't be awkward or make stupid jokes, try not to _look_ like an idiot. Christ, he was even more handsome up close. Who was she trying to kid here? She was screwed. Dumb things were about to come spilling out of her mouth. Awkward, stupid things.

"Um, you know," she began, wishing immediately that she had led with something cooler, "it's not like an emergency or anything…" Her cheeks flushed red as she wished that she didn't look so incredibly unsexy at that exact moment.

Law raised his eyebrows at the nervous look on her face. He didn't actually care what she looked like. He was in doctor mode, searching her for signs of trauma. He put a hand against her forehead, feeling for a fever, then leaned forward to get a better look at her eyes.

Strange, he thought; they'd almost immediately become dilated. He chalked it up to nervousness. She felt a normal temperature as well and he pulled back.

"You seem fine to me. Are you feeling any aches and pains or soreness? Did you have trouble sleeping?" Law didn't notice the thumbs-up that Jess was giving to Kade just then.

Kade was practically holding her breath as Law examined her, all too aware that she hadn't brushed her teeth in at least 36 hours. "Well," she began as she looked away, trying to spare Law of her dragon breath, "yeah, but I don't think that had anything to do with being hurt."

Law stepped further away from her, sensing her discomfort. He folded his arms across his chest. "Do you remember anything about what happened? You two are an awfully long way from any island at all. It's a miracle you survived. We got you out just before hypothermia set in…" He trailed off, his brow wrinkling slightly in thought.

"No," Kade replied with a helpless shrug, "I really don't. The last thing I remember was dr—traveling on land," she managed to say, not wanting to have to explain automobiles to him. "And then something happened, I guess, because we sure as hell weren't near any water but all of a sudden we were drowning…" She trailed off, shaking her head in confusion. "I was hoping it'd come back to me after I had a decent amount of sleep."

Law's facial expression never changed, although he must have been thinking it over because he nodded a moment later. "Amnesia? You may have suffered some head trauma, although your vitals appear within normal range and I see no bruising." He leaned closer to double-check, but noticed her flinch. "Hold still."

Kade didn't protest; she was practically frozen to her spot as he reached for her head with both hands. Calloused, tattooed fingers gently felt her scalp for any bumps or abrasions. Her stupid heart was working on pounding its way right out of her chest and she was sure he could probably hear it. She swallowed, having suddenly gone all cotton-mouthed over the fact that Trafalgar Fucking Law was _touching her face._ Who gave a shit about context?

He stepped back after a minute. "Everything seems normal externally, but that doesn't rule out a brain injury. If you truly have amnesia, then you most likely hit your head…" His eyes narrowed at her as he considered a second, probably more likely option. "Or you're lying."

'Whoa, he's intense,' Kade thought to herself once more as she blinked up at him. Jesus Christ, was it even fair for one person to be so damned good-looking? She floundered for words under his scrutinizing stare, finally managing to say, "Lying…? About how I got here? Why, because you think I'm some kind of enemy? I mean, I'm not, but…even if I were, I'm obviously no match for any of you. What would even be the point?" She laughed a little in an attempt to break up the tension, although he clearly didn't seem to find any humor in that.

Law raised his eyebrows. "You already know we're pirates. I barely trust _this_ guy," he said, jerking his thumb toward Luffy. "But you're right, you wouldn't stand a chance against us. Still, there's something 'off' about all this. Even if what you said is true, when we found you, there were no other ships in sight. This is the New World...people don't survive in the middle of the sea for long. Just how long were you out there?"

Nami clucked her tongue just then. "Trafal-guy! You don't need to antagonize her."

Kade sighed, glad to be saved by Nami, although she couldn't honestly blame Law for finding her suspicious; particularly when Jess had made such a big impression the day before. Damn it all, Jess was having such an easy time winning Sanji over!

Speaking of which…

"Oh!" Came the chef's voice from just outside. A moment later he stuck his head through the door and smiled widely. "They're awake! Good morning, princesses! I've prepared a delicious, nutritious breakfast for you both, and I made sure none of these _barbarians_ got a hold of it!" He stepped into the room, leaving a crowd of pink hearts in his wake. How the fuck did he _do_ that?

Jess dropped Chopper immediately at the sound of Sanji's voice, the reindeer making a soft squeak as he managed not to topple over onto the ground. Her entire face changed as she lost all higher brain function, a healthy flush covering her cheeks.

"Go-good morning," she stammered, giving the chef a dopey grin. A sigh escaped from her lips unbidden. "This is the best dream ever…"

Sanji clapped a hand over his heart and beamed back at Jess. "A dream, you say? It certainly feels that way! I would be happy if it never ended!"

Jess's face lit up even more than before. Sanji was so strikingly beautiful in person, so much more than she ever imagined. "It…it has to be a dream. That's the only reason you'd be here…" She trailed off, suddenly sounding rather melancholy. "Would you go with me? Into that land like they have in Inception, then we can spend 50 years together building our dream life together?"

She knew she wasn't making any sense at this point, babbling on like a love-struck lunatic, but she was obviously dreaming so what did it matter?

Sanji's cheeks tinged pink. He was amazed at what was happening to him at this moment. No woman had ever encouraged his flirting before! Usually they either ignored him or slapped him. And even though Jess was clearly talking nonsense, it sounded like fucking music to his ears. "Ah…I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with the island you're talking about. But I would gladly travel anywhere with you!" He spun in circles towards her, his legs practically turning to noodles as he came to hover over her bedside.

More hearts began to spew all over the place. Seriously, where the fuck were these all coming from?!

Jess grinned. "Oh my God that fanboy act looks even dumber up close. My dreams have never been this lucid! Sanji my prince…can I…" She trailed off, flushing a dark tomato red. "…can I touch your eyebrows?" You see, Jess was a bit of an eyebrow freak, and those swirly brows had been the very thing that had originally drawn her to the Love Cook over 10 years ago when she had first heard of One Piece. She couldn't help herself, if she was lucid dreaming then she was going to touch Sanji's eyebrows, dangit!

Sanji's visible eye went wide, and he almost couldn't handle the thought of a woman touching his face as he stuttered, "O-O-O-OF COURSE YOU CAN, MELLORINE PRINCESS!" His face was a mask of ridiculousness as he desperately tried to hold back his flood of emotions as he leaned closer to her.

Jess reached for his face slowly, touching it tenderly starting at his cheek. This face… it was a face that she'd loved for so many years now. This certainly was what one would call her 'wildest dreams'.

She reached up and traced his visible eyebrow, her eyes suddenly watering with unbidden tears.

"You're…you're so beautiful…" She looked away quickly. "So beautiful that you're blinding me!... this…this is truly the cruelest dream I've ever had." She tried desperately to hold back a sob that was building up in her throat. Any minute now she'd wake up and he'd be gone. She'd be separated from him once again left only with the ghost of the dream, quickly fading.

She'd forgotten there was anyone else in the room with them when Chopper suddenly wedged himself between her and Sanji.

"OI! It's time for me to examine her for any damage!"

Luffy laughed at the display he'd just witnessed, "SHISHISHIS you guys are so weird! Let Chopper check her, you're not a doctor, Sanji!"

Sanji clasped his hands as he reluctantly backed away. "Ah, you're right! I'm sure Jess-chwan is in perfect health though!"

Chopper put a stethoscope to her chest and noticed that her heartbeat was accelerated. Her cheeks appeared flushed although she didn't appear to have a fever. These signs only seemed to increase every time Sanji came even a little closer.

"Sanji!" Chopper admonished, "You're interfering with the examination!"

"So sue me for being worried!" Sanji sighed longingly. "I guess I can always go and fetch their breakfast in the meantime…I made it with love!"

"Chopper-kun, do you mind moving your head out of the way? I can't see Sanji clearly…"

Chopper ignored her and continued the exam.

"Can't I just go with him to get breakfast?"

"Not yet, you might have a concussion! It's important that you stay still while I finish!"

Jess cast a longing look in Sanji's direction as he exited towards the kitchen, blowing her a kiss on the way out which she 'caught' and pressed to her lips with a squee. "Okay doctor…you are really cute too you know! So fluffy!" She reached out and rubbed Chopper's cheek.

Chopper couldn't hold back his grin. "You bastard!" He swatted at her hand and giggled.

A moment later, another voice that both girls recognized was heard coming from up on deck. It was so loud the man was yelling like a banshee no doubt and the person he yelled for was Law.

"LAW-KUN, LAW-KUN! THOSE SAMURAI ARE MISTREATING ME! THE BRAT PUNCHED ME IN THE NOSE, SHURORORORO!"

That's right, Caesar Clown was currently prisoner aboard the Sunny; collateral for the upcoming deal with Doflamingo.

Law sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. He shook his head before yelling back, "HOW IS THAT FUNNY? SHUT UP, CLOWN!"

The surgeon turned back to Kade, his eyes narrowing slightly as if he were expecting her to reveal herself as a spy for Doflamingo at any moment, or an undercover marine, or hell, maybe even a debt collector. "I wouldn't try anything if I were you…not that you seem likely to. Anyway, my professional opinion is that you should get another full day of bed rest so we can monitor you. Your friend especially seems to be acting extremely strange…"

"I thought so too," Nami agreed. "Almost like a female version of Sanji-kun!"

Kade felt herself cringe as she nodded and dragged a hand down her face. "Yeeeaahh, I tried to tell her to tone that shit down," she muttered.

"YOU GUYS ARE BORING ME TO DEATH!" Came Luffy's indignant shout. A moment later, he announced, "I'm going to go fishing!" and disappeared out the door a moment later, followed by Usopp.

Nami watched him go before turning to Kade, making sure Law was out of earshot before she said, "Well, now that Dr. Broody is finished with you, tell me—how do you feel?"

Kade laughed a little too much at that question. "How do I feel? Oh, I dunno…we suddenly appeared here with little to no explanation and no memory of it whatsoever. I think 'confused' is a good place to start." She sighed, staring down at her hands for a moment. "But still, thank you again for all your help. I mean, Law's right; you don't have any reason to trust our word, and _every_ reason not to. You basically picked up two hitch-hikers. We could be anyone. Hell, we could be a couple of serial killers. Er—we're not," she hurriedly added, noting Nami's sudden apprehension. "I'm just saying!"

The navigator visibly relaxed, reaching out to tentatively place a hand on Kade's shoulder. "Look, I never thought any of that about you. Trafal-guy's the one with the problem." She didn't miss the glare Law shot her from across the room at that, but chose to ignore him. "I'm sorry you've been through so much. It must be hard not to remember what happened. But for what it's worth, I don't think you're lying. Luffy can be an idiot, but he's a good judge of character. So we'll do what we can to help out."

Kade's lips pulled into a small smile. "I appreciate that. Hey, pirates or not, I can see that you guys _are_ good people. You…actually seem pretty unconventional." She snorted and then looked up as Sanji came back into the room, balancing a tray on each of his palms.

"Breakfast is served!" He crooned, setting a tray before each of the newcomers. "I hope you both enjoy yourselves! I made this lovingly with my own two hands!" He smiled at both of them, though his gaze lingered longer on Jess.

Jess flushed red at the chef's attention then pinched herself just to make sure this was really real and she wasn't actually dreaming. Everything had been crazy and incredible before but that tiny little doubt in the back of her mind still remained where she expected to wake up.

"Food actually cooked by Sanji…" Just for good measure, she pinched herself again, harder this time "Ow…okay…" She glanced over to her best friend "Kade, I have just come to the conclusion that I am in fact, NOT dreaming…"

Kade looked over at her friend and arched an eyebrow. "I thought we both came to that conclusion yesterday."

"Well, I'm about to eat food cooked by Sanji so I'm kind of losing my mind right now…" Jess picked up her fork and slowly took a bite of the warm, buttery pancakes Sanji had served them. She closed her eyes to savor the moment. "Oh my god…" Jess fell back over onto her bed. "Wait…are we _sure_ this is real?"

Nami shook her head and looked over at their doctor. "Chopper, I think you need to monitor her more closely.

Law snorted and shook his head. "I think _she_ must be the one who hit her head."

Kade groaned and fell over onto her back as well, giving Jess a pointed look. "You are seriously worse than Bartolomeo…"

Jess ignored the pirates' commentary and let out a small, excited squeal. "AH, BARTY-KUN! Do you think we'll see him?" At that moment, Chopper began fussing over her again and Jess pushed him back as she gently insisted that she was fine.

Chopper shook his head, taking a step back to give a quick assessment. "Her physical condition is perfectly normal. Maybe she's just naturally weird," he mused, professional as ever.

Law rolled his eyes. "Well, I think I'm going to go check on Caesar..." He took a few steps back and then turned on his heel, leaving the room while mumbling under his breath about the smell of bread making him nauseated.

Sanji kept casting longing glances in Jess's direction, though he looked as if he were about to leave as well when Jess called out to him.

"Sanji! Sanji, my prince…don't go… Could you stay and tell me about the All Blue?" She blinked up at him with serious, wide eyes, adoration radiating from their green depths.

Sanji was mesmerized like the complete sucker that he was, unable to deny her the least thing. He rushed to her bedside, pulling up the stool that Chopper had been using earlier. "Of course I will! I'll tell you as many things as you want, my mellorine princess!"

Jess wasn't the only one wondering if this were a dream or not; after all this time, his attentions were being _welcomed_ by a beautiful woman! The concept was so difficult to fathom that it just _couldn't_ be real. But if it was… His heart pounded against his ribcage as he thought about all the possibilities. This was something he'd spent nearly his entire life longing for!

A sigh escaped his lips as pink hearts poured from the crown of his head and he thought to himself, 'Could…COULD THIS BE LOVE?!'

Jess blushed harder at his proximity, but still she wanted him closer. She scooted over onto the bed, making a spot big enough for Sanji.

"Sanji…will you sit next to me here and tell me about the All Blue while I eat this delicious food?" If her heart pounded any harder, Jess was sure it would escape from her chest…only to be picked up by Law and sold to the marines, probably. She had to admit that she found Law insanely attractive as well, but she only had eyes for the mellorine man in front of her.

"S-S-SIT NEXT TO YOU?!" On the bed! A woman was requesting his presence in bed with her! Wait, no, what the fuck, calm down! Still, Sanji's face went red as a stoplight and he fumbled for words, his voice coming out as a strangled sort of sound. "I will," he said, nodding very seriously with an absurd look on his face. "I will sit beside you! Absolutely! It would be my pleasure!" He carefully settled into the spot she'd made for him, nearly falling off the bed in the process. He coughed once, trying to clear his throat and sound normal, although he was trying very hard not to say something stupid to make her change her mind. "H-how do you like your breakfast, my fair princess?"

Jess dared to lean against him ever so slightly, not wanting to risk another eruption from Mt. Nosebleed. She practically had stars in her eyes as she replied, "It's wonderful…just like you…my beautiful prince," she added as her cheeks flushed anew.

Sanji made a small, unintelligible noise in the back of his throat, his cheeks burning as he stared off into space. He was quite possibly at risk of suffering an aneurysm. A goofy laugh burst forth from deep in his chest. His heart felt like it would explode at any moment. "I'M SO HAPPY!" He declared with a wide grin on his face. "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"

"God, mine too," Jess agreed immediately. "I'd ask you to make out, but then there would be blood everywhere. We can…maybe…do that another time?" She suggested coyly before a spate of giggles escaped her. Threading her arm carefully through his, she continued, "I think I actually _must_ be dead, and even though I'm an atheist I must have gone to heaven. I'm…" She sniffled, feeling her eyes well up with tears. "I'm so fucking lucky…"

Kade made a face. "Okay, I can't keep listening to this! I'm going to go change," she announced, sparing Jess a glance long enough to mime a gagging motion. Jess, however, was far too enraptured by the chef to notice a damned thing.

Nami raised her eyebrows. "Are you sure? Trafal-guy and Chopper both said you guys should stay in bed for another day…"

"If I do that, I'm going to end up more ill than I started out," Kade remarked with a pointed look at Sanji and Jess. She swung her legs off the side of the bed and stood up, reaching for her things sitting on a chair nearby. "It's not like I'm going to go run a marathon or anything. I just need some fresh air."

"Alright." Nami nodded, finding it difficult to argue with that. She had been inching her way out of the room herself, completely disgusted by the show that Sanji and Jess were unintentionally putting on. "Ugh, I can barely breathe in there, the room is so thick with pink hearts!"

Kade nodded and said nothing, though she was feeling pretty damned relieved that she wasn't the only one seeing those things. She began to head toward the bathroom to change and make herself look at least somewhat presentable. The morning air felt damp, but peaceful as she headed toward the opposite end of the deck. The rest of the crew seemed to be off doing various things elsewhere, and it was nice to be able to get another look around the Sunny. For the time being, she thought she was quite content to stick around for a while…although the question of how they would return home had been nagging at the back of her mind. After all, she and Jess had jobs. Friends. Families…

She almost didn't see the resident swordsman ahead of her. The only indication of his presence was a yawn from below her line of sight, and she stopped just short of tripping over his prone form. "Um…Zoro?"

"HUH?" Zoro cracked one eye open. "What? You're interrupting," he grunted, his voice thick with sleep.

He figured she must be the thing Luffy and the others were all screaming about while he'd been trying to sleep the day before. He had actually been on his way to the workout room when the urge to nap had practically smacked him upside the head. Yawning again, he slowly rose to his feet and stretched before gathering his three swords. It was only then that it occurred to him how odd it was that this strange woman seemed to know who he was.

"Do I know you?" He asked after a moment, scratching his green head.

"Ah, n-no," Kade was quick to say, though she damned well knew _him_. And shit, he was built like a fucking tank! She'd never realized just how muscular he was until she was standing there staring up at him and comparing his chest to the front of a Mack truck. She swallowed and continued, "I didn't get a chance to say hello the other day, but I was told that you're the swordsman with green hair. I'm Kade." She held out a hand for a shake.

Zoro seemed to accept that explanation. "Right. Zoro," he said, grabbing her hand without hesitation. His grip was so fucking beastly that it nearly crushed her knuckles. "How'd you get here, anyway? You lost?"

Kade bit back a grimace, trying hard to pretend that she wasn't in ten kinds of pain after that bone-crushing handshake. "Well, that's…actually pretty close to the truth," she admitted. "We don't remember much of anything as far as _how_ we got here. So I don't know, something must have happened…" She trailed off with a shrug. "I know it seems weird and suspicious and I wish I had more answers, but, you know."

Zoro merely shrugged in response, giving her a look that assured her that he did indeed know the feeling. He wasn't terribly concerned by her presence; it wasn't as if Luffy didn't pick up stragglers all the fucking time anyway. Hell, sometimes it seemed as if their pirate crew doubled as a taxi service. At least, that's what he would have thought if he'd known what a taxi service was. The crew already had four passengers more than usual; what was another two in the grand scheme of things?

He stifled another yawn as he shuffled past her. "Well, hope you like crazy, because that's the one thing we have in excess." He decided she was alright. Not annoying as hell like that dumbass clown they'd dragged along from Punk Hazard. So long as she didn't get in his way, he supposed they'd get along just fine. He turned back to give her a smirk. "Hey, you work out? I was just heading upstairs to the gym if you want to come."

Zoro didn't particularly care one way or the other, but he was curious to see whether she was actually strong or not. To have survived this long in the midst of the New World, she'd have to be, he figured.

Meanwhile, Kade's mind was cartwheeling into the depths of fangirl oblivion. Somewhere in there, she knew that Law had recommended another day of rest...but who could even care about resting when Roronoa FUCKING Zoro had just invited her to go and work out with him?

She thought she might just have to slap her own face, finally managing an eager nod that probably made her look like a bobblehead doll. "Yeah! I do, yeah. That'd be fun!"

"Good, come on," Zoro said, nodding toward the door he was about to walk through. "What size weights do you use? I'm up to two tons," he added with a nonchalance that made her question if she'd heard him right.

Kade let out a loud, rather awkward laugh. "Oh shit, really? Well I'm not _that_ good. Uh, you _do_ have some regular-sized weights up there, don't you…?"

He paused, furrowing his brow and squinting as if he were thinking very hard. "Hmm…I guess I have some 250 kilogram barbells leftover from my earlier days," he finally said, causing Kade to nearly face fault beside him.

"Ehehe…I guess I'll figure something out," she said sheepishly, hoping like hell that she wouldn't end up embarrassing herself.


	5. Sulky Tattooed Surgeon

**Chapter 5: Sulky Tattooed Surgeon**

 _"_ _THE MOST MELLORINE, WONDERFUL TALE EVER WRITTEN! THE COMBINED BEAUTY OF THESE TWO WOMEN MAKES UNICORNS CRY AND ANGELS SING!" –Sanji, while spewing hearts from his eye and twirling in circles._

* * *

The green-haired swordsman led Kade up to the workout room of the Sunny, then gestured to all the equipment and weights at his disposal. "You can pick first, I'm good as long as it's heavy," he announced, rubbing the back of his neck and cracking his shoulder.

Kade's jaw went slightly slack as Zoro began stripping down for his workout until he was in just a pair of tiny gym shorts. He rolled his shoulders and dropped to the floor to start doing his warm-up, which consisted of a load of pushups.

When she realized she was staring at him, she averted her eyes and scanned the room for something suitable to work out with. Back home, she and Jess had both been Anytime Fitness buffs in their respective cities, but those 24-hour gyms didn't have the kind of equipment that Zoro's workout room boasted. The room was quite a big bigger than she thought it would be from what she saw on the screen, and the majority of the equipment was geared towards the monstrous abilities of Zoro. She snorted to herself, remembering all the times he'd been beasting away at _many times_ any normal person's strength and still claimed he'd been weak! What a dork.

Off to the corner, she noted some normal-looking weights that she presumed were for the other crewmates, although judging by the thin coating of dust over the set it seemed as though nobody had used them in some time. As her eyes continued to sweep the room, she suddenly spotted a familiar contraption in the corner and then grinned.

"You have one of those things!" She said, excitement obvious in her voice. "I've always wanted to try that…" Kade recalled seeing a structure just like it on the television series 'Arrow.' The salmon ladder—Oliver Queen was always working out with that thing. Hell, how hard could it be?

"Oh yeah?" Zoro had begun to do one-armed push-ups now, grunting in between sequences. He glanced up at the salmon ladder Kade was gesturing at, and nodded. "Ah. I'm pretty much the only one who uses this place, so go for it." He switched arms, beginning to work up a sweat. "Damn…I forgot my water jug."

Kade shuffled over to the ladder, observing it a moment before picking up the metal bar that had been laid against the wall nearby. She wasn't exactly dressed to work out, still wearing the clothes she'd borrowed from Nami the day before, and she hoped the navigator wouldn't be too upset that Kade was about to work up a grand old sweat in her shirt and jeans.

She turned to give Zoro another glance, watching as he hopped back to his feet and headed for a gigantic barbell nearby. He picked it up as if it weighed nothing and began doing one-armed bicep curls. Kade could only shake her head in disbelief; she knew Zoro was like this, but seeing it in person was something else entirely. She had always prided herself on being healthy and in good shape, but he made all of her fitness accomplishments seem downright laughable. If she were to fit into this world, she'd definitely have to dial up her own workouts by an approximate _fuckton_.

Shrugging, Kade faced the front of the salmon ladder and placed the bar horizontally across the highest point that she could comfortably reach. Secretly, she was hoping to impress Zoro with a feat of extreme badassery. Who knew? Maybe being tossed into the world of One Piece came with perks—like suddenly developing super strength or incredible endurance! Self-inserts were like that, right? There was no way that she couldn't do this!

Kade hung from the bar with both hands and propelled herself upward, latching the bar onto the next rung. Hell…where was that super strength she'd been hoping for? She gritted her teeth and hurled herself up to another rung. The bar clanged loudly each time, rattling in her hands. Fuck. It was getting difficult! How the shit did Oliver Queen make this look so damned easy?!

'Damn it, am I just going to make an ass of myself?!' She thought to herself, beginning to feel a mixture of panic and embarrassment. 'There's no fucking way I can stop now. I'll get scoffed at, or laughed at, or called weak! I can't be fucking weak in front of ZORO!'

After launching herself up to the fourth rung, she felt sweat begin to pool on her forehead and in her palms, working harder to get to the fifth. Using her body to propel herself upward, Kade kicked her legs out to gain momentum. She probably looked like an idiot, but at least she eventually made it to the top…only to realize that she had to actually _get back down._

Well, shit. She hadn't planned that far ahead.

Letting herself hang for a long moment, she felt her muscles burning, practically screaming at her to stop. But she couldn't stop, damn it, she wasn't a fucking quitter! Zoro wasn't impressed yet. In fact, he wasn't even paying attention to her at all. So Kade began to work her way down, making it to the next notch, and going for the next...

But the bar missed its mark just then, hitting nothing but air. Horrified, she found herself suddenly plummeting down toward the floor at an alarming rate, too shocked to right herself.

A sound escaped her, some kind of strangled curse word as she flailed through the air and landed hard on her side. Pain exploded in her shoulder as she cried out, "Ah, fuck!"

Zoro dropped the heavy weight he'd been using at the sound from Kade. It fell to the floor with a loud clang as he rushed over to her prone form. The bar she'd been gripping had landed nearby and rolled off elsewhere.

His face was a mask of horror; he'd just met this girl and she was already injured. Nami was probably going to chew his ear off for this!

"Damn! Are you okay?" He held his hands out on front of him, having no idea what he should do. His eyes widened at the pained look on her face.

"I…I fell on something," she managed to say in between a steady stream of colorful curse words. He noticed one of her hands was gripping her shoulder while blood seeped from between her fingers.

The swordsman contemplated picking her up, but then thought better of it and decided to go for medical help. "Hey…stay there! I'll go get a doctor!" He rushed out of the room.

Kade grimaced as she sat up, cursing herself for being such a damned idiot. 'Shit, don't get Law, don't get Law...' The last thing she needed at that moment was to embarrass herself even further in front of that sulky, tattooed hottie.

Down below on the lawn deck, Law was involved in an argument with their resident hostage, Caesar Clown.

"But Law, I hate it here!" The scientist whined, gesticulating with his bound arms. "I keep getting bitten by bugs at night! You know, the ones that live in the garden! It's the least you can do to give me a mosquito coil or something…" His blue-painted lips jutted out into a most unscientific pout.

Law sighed angrily, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You're a prisoner, and tending to your needs is the last thing on my list, clown."

Zoro raced through the area just then like a bat out of hell and Law called to him, alarmed by the urgency of his pace and the look on his face.

"OI, ZORO-YA! What's going on?"

"I can't talk, I need to find Chopper!" Zoro shot back, disappearing towards the infirmary. It was completely empty, however, and the marimo scratched his head in annoyance as he began checking the other rooms, finally Chopper in the Sunny's kitchen.

Chopper was unfortunately indisposed at that moment, as his patient was _yet again_ Sanji. Much to the swordsman's annoyance, the Strawhats' doctor was in the midst of treating yet another epic nosebleed. Zoro didn't care or even want to know why.

"CHOPPER, I NEED YOUR HELP!" He yelled as he burst through the door.

The furry doctor was running back and forth, gathering supplies to administer fluids to his patient. "Zoro, sorry! He's losing a lot of blood so I can't help right now."

Zoro pulled on his green hair in frustration. "Of course you're helping that stupid love cook!" His teeth became sharp as he glared at the bed-stricken fool "If she dies because of you, guru-guru, I'll come back here and wring your neck!"

Chopper paused for a second. "If it can't wait, then get Trafal-guy to help!"

Zoro's entire face changed right then as he immediately dashed out back toward the surgeon he'd just passed a minute ago and had ignored. He kept forgetting there was another medical professional on board.

"HELP ME!" He grabbed Law's arm and began dragging him to the workout room.

"Hey! Slow down!" Law was getting sick and tired of the Strawhats doing whatever they pleased without regard to anyone else. "What's the emergency?"

Zoro, on the other hand, was sick and tired of Law's questions. He decided to tuck the other man under his arm and run so they'd make better time. "I can't stop now, she looked bad, I don't know… The new girl was working out with me and she fell off of the salmon ladder and now she's just bleeding everywhere, so hurry up and come fix her!" He belted out in a rush.

The surgeon did not appreciate being manhandled and carried like a rag doll. So instead, he created a room to teleport the two of them the rest of the way. Once out of Zoro's grasp, Law put his hands on his hips as he spotted the fallen Kade. Her face was contorted in pain as she continued to grip her left shoulder, applying pressure in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Crimson lines oozed from beneath her hand, creating several trails down her bicep.

Law walked over to her quickly, a lecture on the tip of his tongue. "…Didn't I tell you that you were on bed rest?"

Kade cursed inwardly, 'Son of a bitch, he got Law!' Feeling chagrined, she did her best to look indignant despite the small red puddle pooling by her side. "I know, I know, and I didn't listen. Call it karma." She bit the inside of her lip against the next flash of pain, and wow, this was _really_ embarrassing. Impressing Law wasn't going so well for her.

"Tch!" The surgeon leaned down next to her to get a better look at her injury, a slight look of annoyance crossing his face as he met her eyes briefly. "I don't give medical advice for my health you know…" He shook his head and removed his hat, setting it to the side. Then he reached for her arm to examine the wound more carefully with a practiced hand. It was still bleeding, but further examination proved nothing was lodged inside the cut, which was fairly deep.

He frowned and rocked back on his heels a bit. "You need stitches, and we have to stop this bleeding." He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and pressed it tightly against her arm to staunch the flow of blood.

"I figured as much…" Kade grimaced, more out of abashment than pain. Not only had she made a complete ass of herself in front of Zoro, but she'd also made herself look like an ignorant moron to Law. ' _Nice going, Kade. What's next? Tripping over your own two feet? Shit, this sucks…but hey, he did take his hat off,'_ she thought to herself, because Kade obviously only thought about the important things in life.

Law gave her another look as he continued his chastisement. "I told you that you needed to stay on bed rest." He put his hat back on with one hand, keeping the other against Kade's open wound. "We're going to need to get to the infirmary. Hold still."

There was a small whirring sound as Law created one of his rooms around the two of them and with a 'pop,' suddenly they were both in the infirmary instead of the gym.

"Put your hand on this and hold it tight," Law instructed as he began rummaging through the cabinets, throwing supplies onto the metal tray that was on top of the counter.

Kade blinked a bit in awe at what had just happened. ' _Holy shit I just got ROOM'd!'_ was all she could think for several moments. Finally she managed to say, "That…was fucking cool."

"Oh right," Law said nonchalantly as he brought the now-full tray over to where Kade had seated herself. "I forgot to tell you that I'm a fruit user." He removed her hand from the cloth and then peeled it back slowly, nodding his approval when he saw that the bleeding had mostly stopped.

He continued to work quickly, opening the bottle of saline he'd brought and pouring it into the glass beaker on the tray, then reaching for a smaller dark bottle. He added some of the iodine to the water and mixed it together. Once the solution was properly diluted, he drew up a syringe full and then squeezed it slowly over Kade's open wound to clean and disinfect it.

She watched on silently, biting back a wince as Law dabbed at the wound with a few squares of sterile gauze. Once it had been cleaned to his liking, he reached for the pack of suture he'd need in order to stitch up the gash. He threaded the needle in silence, and it was anybody's guess what was going through his mind. He looked angry, but he _always_ kind of looked angry. Law seemed to have a perpetual case of Resting Bitch Face, but hell, nobody could argue that it didn't look good on him.

Kade swallowed inaudibly as he came at her with the needle. "Ah...aren't you going to-?"

He only spared her a glance, and she realized that the answer to her unspoken question was big, fat 'no.' No, he was _not_ planning to use a local anesthetic.

"Fuck it, nevermind."

Instead, Kade did her best to steel herself, hoping her face didn't show any kind of hesitancy because his sure as hell didn't. Law didn't even bother to issue a warning before the needle made the first bite into her skin, and Kade had to fight to keep herself from jerking away on impulse.

Holy shit! That hurt like a bitch! Why did this always look so easy on TV?

Pressing her lips together, she looked away, trying to distract herself with something… _anything._ She focused on her breathing. _'In and out, in and out…for the love of fuck, do not pass out in front of him, do not make yourself look like an even bigger fool than you already have…'_

From the corner of her eye, she watched his tattooed fingers expertly weaving a pattern onto her skin, closing the wound, and she was so distracted that she almost stopped feeling each new sting of the needle re-entering her flesh. _Trafalgar fucking Law_ was stitching up her shoulder, touching her arm, hell…close enough to her that she could even feel his steady puffs of breath on her cheek. How was this happening, again?!

One thing was for certain—this was _not_ how she would have wanted things to go had she ever been given the chance to meet him. She wanted to prove to him that she was tough and enduring, not reckless and stupid. But before she knew it, he was finishing up. The whole room was almost eerily silent; he hadn't uttered a word, and it was actually getting kind of awkward.

Kade cleared her throat softly, wanting to distract herself from the throbbing of her shoulder. "So…how are you liking the Strawhat Pirates?" She already knew the answer to that, but the room was so silent that she could practically hear the needle biting through her flesh, and she had to start _somewhere._

Law gave a derisive snort as he methodically made the last two stitches and tied off the end neatly. Afterwards he reached for the antibacterial ointment, applying a liberal amount over the wound and then covering the site with a clean bandage.

He finally said, "There's only so much I can take of them. Don't you read the news? Strawhat Luffy is insane. You've seen his bounty haven't you?" He huffed out a long breath. His cold stare seemed to penetrate her, and Kade had to wonder if this was some kind of test. He clearly hadn't placed one iota of trust in either her or Jess…not that she could really blame him.

Kade averted her eyes momentarily, suddenly feeling exposed. "Well, I mean, I _have_ heard a lot of things about Luffy. I've heard about you, too," she ventured, before quickly adding, "being one of those famed 'Eleven Supernovas' and all. Plus, there's that Shichibukai thing. Delivering a box full of hearts to the marines? I heard about that, too. I mean, hell, who hasn't? It was all over the news and people talked about it for weeks, like…" She had to stop herself there and will herself to calm down, realizing that she'd begun talking faster and faster. If she weren't careful, she'd just end up babbling about all kinds of random shit. She wanted to kick herself for being so damned awkward.

Law merely grunted at the mention of the deed that had earned him his Shichibukai rank. "Yeah…well, you do what you have to in order to get where you need to be."

Kade nodded, keeping her mouth clamped shut to avoid blurting out anything about Doflamingo. Normally it would have been far easier to be clandestine about such a thing, but her desire to present herself as an intelligent and worthwhile individual had her brain tempting her to divulge secrets that weren't hers to share. _Bad_ Kade. Terrible idea. And anyway, it wasn't as if he would even believe her.

"In a world like this, sure," she said instead, nodding solemnly.

The silence settled over them once more, and Law began to occupy himself with packing away the medical supplies. Kade tried to think of things to talk to him about. She supposed she wouldn't get many chances to speak to him alone like this, and here she was, just wasting it in silence. It was hard, though. She wasn't sure how to go about getting to know him. He was obviously an introverted person, much like she was actually, although sharing that trait wasn't exactly useful in facilitating any type of bond.

Watching him zip up the medical bag, she decided on a question that would seem harmless enough. "So…you're a pirate, but also a doctor. Don't those things seem a little contradictory?"

Law turned back to her, looking the slightest bit amused. "Even pirates need doctors. You've seen Tony-ya, haven't you? The Strawhats wouldn't last one day without him, especially Blackleg-ya." Law shook his head upon remembering the cook's recent antics. "There's more to being a pirate than you might think. We don't all just pillage and plunder."

Kade couldn't help but chuckle at that. "Fair enough. I've heard some people say that piracy represents a kind of freedom you can't find anywhere else but the open sea. Sounds awfully idealistic, but…when most of the world sucks, I guess I can see how it'd be a favorable option," she said, as if she had just realized it, even though secretly she had always fancied running off to be a pirate. "There were days where I definitely wanted to run screaming from my own life and all that fucking debt. But I wouldn't be able to keep up on my profession like you do. Probably not much demand for veterinary technicians on the high seas," she added with a wry smile.

Law perked up slightly, looking intrigued that this castaway's profession found her in medicine as well. "Hmm…animals are much harder to diagnose. I've operated on a few in my time."

Kade nodded in agreement. "Yeah, not being able to communicate with them makes it harder. And it's a thankless job; they're terrified and there's no way to alleviate that fear. For all they know, you're just trying to kill them in the most horrifying way possible. But I don't need any thanks. I like animals more than I like people, so I love what I do."

Law smirked, looking something other than grumpy for the first time since he'd met her. "I do too." He pulled on the brim of his hat somewhat nervously, as if admitting that he loved his job was something to be embarrassed about.

Silence filled the room again for another few moments until this time, Law broke it.

"I was thinking about it," he began, immediately piquing her interest, "and were you on vacation from your job when the…incident…happened?"

"That's right," she confirmed, although inwardly she was practically having a meltdown because HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE, he had actually been thinking about her?! But she forcefully reigned in her thoughts. She had to get a grip; she was finally having an _actual conversation_ with him and there was no way in hell she wanted to risk botching it up.

Law hummed thoughtfully. "It's possible that your amnesia doesn't stem from head trauma. Maybe you were on a ship that sunk, and you went into shock after watching everyone else aboard die. Or maybe the experience alone was enough... Something that traumatic could have caused you to forget, and we didn't really think to stay and look for wreckage. Hm..."

Kade nodded, still trying to remind herself to keep her thoughts on track. She looked back at him, trying to appear to be considering what he'd just said and not at all as though she were admiring the sharpness of his chin and cheekbones.

"A ship that sunk," she repeated slowly, trailing off in thought.

Well, _that_ certainly wasn't possible; she and Jess were driving to Denver in a completely different world, but it wasn't as if she could tell _him_ that. And what with all the gaps in her memory at the moment, Law's theory made a hell of a lot more sense. Still, that just posed more questions than answers.

"Yeah," she finally said, "I could maybe see that being plausible. I just don't remember anything about it. I think…I'm probably a long way from home." Understatement. "A _really_ long way."

Law nodded thoughtfully, "Well you're stuck with us for now it seems. We're still a fair distance away from our final destination. Definitely going to have to make a supply run between here and there...and probably have to get more blood packs for the cook." He shook his head, half sadly and half disgustedly. "Since he's indisposed, that probably means it'll be sandwiches for dinner again. Ugh." His disgust seemed to magnify ten times at the thought.

Kade's lips quirked upward just slightly. "Oh, right, you don't like bread...?" She hastened to turn the statement into a question at the very last syllable, remembering that Law's intense dislike for bread was not something she was supposed to know about, hilarious as it was. "Well, Jess likes to cook. We might be able to get her to make something to eat."

The surgeon rolled his eyes, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. "Yeah right, not with the cook laid up like that. I don't think she'll leave his side. I saw the way she looked at him. I've never believed in love at first sight. I always thought that was bullshit. It's probably just infatuation." Law looked even more disgusted, not sure why he was even entertaining the thought. There was something about that curly haired nut-job that just pissed him off.

Kade nearly laughed, managing to disguise the sound as a cough instead. "Umm, well…she really likes romantic idiots... _and_ men with weird eyebrows. Sanji happens to fit both of those descriptions. So, yeah… Although it sounds like she's going to fucking kill him before anything can even come of it," she added with a snort.

Law raised an eyebrow at that. "Right," he said after a long pause, shrugging indifferently. "I don't know why anyone would bother with it. We're pirates."

She understood what he was getting at; being constantly under fire on the high seas wasn't exactly conducive to a healthy and successful relationship. "True, you are, but you're all still human beings. Sure, maybe not many of you ever get married of have kids, or any of that traditional stuff, but uhh, you know. Gotta get laid sometimes," she added with an awkward laugh, not entirely sure of why she'd just said that.

Law was speechless as his face flushed an increasingly darker shade of red. He pulled on the brim of his hat again in an attempt to hide his face, tapping his foot a few times with nervous energy. He was quiet for a few moments, his embarrassed face turning thoughtful until he finally muttered, "Yeah…I guess that's true."

Kade blinked, a little surprised to see that she had indeed embarrassed him with that statement. Although thinking about it, _she_ felt pretty embarrassed that she had even brought it up! What the hell? At that rate, Law was going to think she was some sort of pervert! But she just didn't know what to talk about with him, and it had slipped out before she could stop it.

Her own cheeks reddening, Kade's mind was racing, desperate to shift the topic elsewhere. _Anywhere._ Had she not been so flustered, she might have reconsidered her next action. But she didn't, and so her fingers reached into her back pocket and withdrew her cell phone as she said, "Oh, hey, want to see something interesting?"

Law appeared a little alarmed when he watched her pull out the thin, rectangular object. He looked wary when the screen lit up, displaying different menus as her finger slid across it.

"I don't usually take videos of our surgeries," Kade was saying as she looked through her files, "but a while back, a dog was admitted to our hospital with a foreign body ingestion, and…well, I won't spoil the ending." She cycled through her phone's gallery until she found the aforementioned video, then pressed the 'play' button and tilted the screen toward him. "Look at this."

His knee-jerk reaction was to ask just what the hell that device was, and how she had managed to acquire such technology…but the video was actually very interesting, and he found himself leaner closer to watch until the end. When the veterinarian in the video held up an intact—yet disgusting—tennis ball to the cheers and laughter of the assisting veterinary technicians, Law sat back with a smirk on his face.

"Fascinating," he remarked. After a short pause, he continued, "Now…that device you're using. What is that?"

Kade's face was written in confusion for a moment before she realized what he was referring to: her cell phone.

 _Oh, no. Oh, shit. Way to bring unnecessary attention to yourself! Stupid, stupid!_

She let out a nervous laugh. "My…my phone? It's, uh…well, it's kind of like a den den mushi," she said, cursing herself for having been so careless. "It just does a few more things, that's all. Like playing videos and music, and it can take pictures…plus it has some games and some other cool features…" Damn it, she was rambling again, just digging her hole deeper. Stupid sexy Law, scrambling her brain with his mere presence. She'd done something incredibly suspicious; the One Piece world, to her knowledge, had no such technology and _shit,_ what was she doing?

Law was genuinely intrigued. "Can I see it?"

Kade froze momentarily, feeling rather like a deer in headlights. Should she let him? If she didn't, it would look as though she had something to hide...and he was already suspicious of her. On the other hand, if she _did_ let him see it, there was a 100% chance of him discovering the vast library of pictures she'd been collecting of him from Tumblr.

 _Ah, damn it all._

"Oh, uh...sure!" She hurriedly replied after a moment, watching him quirk an eyebrow at her obvious hesitation. "Let me just turn a few things off so the battery won't drain too much...especially since I didn't bring my charger with me," she babbled awkwardly as she quickly accessed the folder of pictures and deleted the entire thing. Once the incriminating pictures were gone from the phone, she handed it over to him. "Umm...just be careful with it. It's one of the most expensive things I own."

Law stared back at her with an undecipherable look on his face before giving a slight nod. "Fair enough…"

He carefully took the phone from her, turning it over in his hands once. It was a little heavier than he had imagined, actually. The screen was displaying several rows of colorful icons. In large digits at the top was the time of day and what he presumed was a date, both of which he noted were quite a bit off and seemed to be written in a different language entirely.

Mimicking the swiping motion that he'd seen her make in order to navigate the device, Law began to look through it. Feigning curiosity, he was really looking for any mention of Dr. Vegapunk or one of his affiliates…surely a piece of technology of this caliber had to have come from such a scientist. He wondered how this girl could have come into possession of such a thing. Who _was_ she? It was all very suspicious. There was no way that she and her friend were merely shipwreck victims…

It was then that he accidentally tapped an icon in the process of swiping to another page, causing the screen to change and all of a sudden he was staring back at his own face.

Law's mouth pulled into a frown, as did his image. "A camera?"

"What?" Kade leaned closer, pretending she _hadn't_ been watching him nervously from the corner of her eye the entire time he'd been messing around with her cell phone. "Oh. Yeah, that's the camera." She reached over and pressed a camera icon on the bottom of the screen.

 _Click._

The app displayed the picture she'd just taken, depicting an angry-looking Law and an amused Kade, who was _extremely_ disappointed that she wasn't able to make the image her Facebook profile pic at that moment.

"That's not what I look like," Law grunted after a moment.

Kade smirked. "Yes it is. You're making that same face right now," she pointed out as she glanced up at him, and then took another picture to prove it.

Law's frown deepened. "Stop that. What are you going to do with those?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'll make a huge print and hang it on the wall," she teased. "Or maybe I'll put it on a flag and string it up. Make it easy for the marines." She laughed at her joke and Law scowled.

A silence filled the air in the next few seconds, and only became thicker as Law pondered several scenarios of who exactly these two girls were; each more outrageous than the last.

Kade began looking around the room somewhat awkwardly, wondering if she'd made Law angrier than she thought by taking his picture.

"Hey...you know, _or_ I could just delete it," she offered, hoping she hadn't offended him with her stupid jokes.

Law opened his mouth to reply when all of a sudden, a shrill cry pierced the air.

They both turned toward the door. The scream had definitely come from the direction of the kitchen.

"What do you think _that_ was all about?" Kade wondered aloud, more for the sake of filling the awkward silence than anything else. She knew better than anyone that the Strawhats were a bunch of crazy fucks and the scream could have come from Usopp for all they knew.

Law adjusted his hat and made a guttural noise in the back of his throat as he stood up and headed for the door. He turned around and gave Kade a warning look, and her heart caught in her throat as she mentally prepared for an earful.

But all he said was, "Stay here and rest."


	6. Digging The Damned Hole Deeper

**Chapter 6: Digging The Damned Hole Deeper**

 _"_ _Two more pieces of WHAT? This is dumb." –Roronoa Zoro._

* * *

Law appeared in the kitchen, only to find it devoid of any life. There was, however, a mess; some shattered plates and a large pot of water boiling over on the stovetop. He flipped the stove off, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation as he went searching for the source of the cry.

Finally, he found himself in the men's quarter's where Chopper had moved the chef after whatever ridiculous incident had befallen him.

"Oi, how's Black-leg ya doing?" He asked, peering around the large humanoid form of Chopper before the reindeer poofed back into Brain Point. "I heard some yelling."

"Oh, that was just Sanji being dramatic," Chopper sighed. He adjusted the stand that held a bag of blood, which was hooked up to a catheter in the cook's arm. "He'll be alright, but he needs to stay away from females until his blood supply has recovered."

Sanji moaned, throwing his free arm over his forehead. "Stay away from women? Why don't you just kill me?!"

Law snorted, noticing that Kade's friend Jess was at Sanji's bedside. She was clutching at one of his hands for dear life, and Law thought that surely such a gesture wasn't helping his condition. He muttered under his breath about what a total idiot Sanji was before getting a good look at the man himself.

Sanji looked quite pathetic at the moment. Dried blood had left a trail from his nose, down his chin and spattered all over his otherwise crisp blue dress shirt. He looked dazed and weary, although his eye was focused on Jess at the moment and had inexplicably taken on the shape of a fucking ridiculous pink heart, so one couldn't be sure if his weakened state was actually due to blood loss or simply infatuation.

A mournful look crossed Jess's face, and she bit her lip apprehensively. "I'm so sorry, I…almost killed you… _again_."

"OI!" Chopper gave her cutest stern look in the history of medicine. "I said he needs to stay away from women!"

Jess looked as if she might shed a few tears. "But…but I don't want to leave him…"

"Sorry, but he needs to rest! He's lost too much blood in one day. Anything more will definitely kill him!"

Law shook his head with an air of repugnance. "I'm a doctor too. I agree with Tony-ya."

With a sigh, Jess pulled herself away from the bloodied blond man and followed after Law as he turned to leave the men's quarters.

"Your friend tried to kill herself as well. Thought you might want to know," he said in a deadpan manner, not even glancing back at her.

"WHAT?!" Jess was alarmed. "What do you mean?"

"She was exercising and she fell off of some kind of suspended ladder in the gym. She sustained a rather large gash on her arm. I patched her up, but she's supposed to be resting right now." He stopped in the kitchen to pour a glass of water for Kade. "Let's bring her this and make sure she's actually listening this time."

He finished filling the glass of water, and then without warning, he used his 'Room' to teleport the both of them back into the infirmary.

"KADE!" Jess cried out the moment she laid eyes on her best friend. "I didn't know you were hurt!"

Kade had jumped in surprise when she heard Jess's voice, having not expected anyone to just _appear_ out of fucking nowhere. Damn, she was not used to that at all. She turned, her eyes moving from Law to Jess, and did her best to downplay the incident.

"Oh, that... Well, you know, I was just...working out with Zoro and it's really not a big deal. My hands just kind of slipped. My palms got too sweaty," she remarked with a slight cough, feeling more embarrassment creeping up on her.

Jess stepped closer, hugging her carefully. "Poor homie... But working out with _Zoro?!"_ She practically had stars in her eyes as she thought about it.

"Yeah, and he tried to get me to use _his_ weights. Yeah right!" Kade scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Does he really think I can lift five fucking tons, or however much those things weigh? I mean, I appreciate the vote of confidence I guess, but seriously..."

Law interrupted them by practically shoving the glass of water at Kade's face. "Drink this."

Kade blinked. "Oh..." Surprised, she accepted the glass from him and gave him a lopsided grin. "Thanks."

Jess also grinned, nudging Kade gently when Law looked away. Kade responded by making a motion as though she were fanning herself, but stopped quickly when he turned back to look at them.

"UH, SO...I heard you almost killed Sanji again," Kade said, rushing to change the subject.

"Oh, you heard about that, huh?" Jess averted her eyes momentarily, feeling her own face growing hot upon being reminded of the most recent incident with the blond chef.

Kade shook her head in mock disbelief as she teased, "Seriously, Jess, what do you have against the guy?!"

The curly-haired woman hid her face, which was becoming redder by the moment. "All I did was kiss him," she said, as if that _weren't_ something that would turn a man like Sanji into a hemorrhaging mess. She sighed and let herself fall over backward onto the bed.

Law couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes even if he'd bothered to try. "You really need to stop doing that," he remarked, although his tone remained apathetic. He wasn't really sure why he was still standing there, actually. Probably because the infirmary was, at the moment, the only sort of solace he could find from the increasing amount of noise outside.

Kade snorted. "Oh yeah, _all_ you did was kiss him? Please. The man can't even _look_ at a pair of boobs without losing half the blood in his body!" She said, prodding her with her good arm. She happened to glance up at Law just then, noting the surgeon's raised eyebrow, and immediately realized she'd made a mistake. "Ah...well anyway, that's what Nami told me," she hurriedly added.

Jess sat up and leaned in closer toward Kade, speaking in a low voice. "I _had_ to... How long have I wanted to do that? And that really made it hit home, that this isn't a dream, you know? When I woke up this morning and Sanji was still there, I honestly thought I must have still been dreaming..." She dramatically threw one arm across her eyes and giggled like mad.

"Yeah, you're exactly the same as someone _else_ we know of," Kade remarked in amusement.

Jess jabbed her playfully. "Man...Chopper kicked me out of the men's quarters," she said in a mournful tone. "Now I can't even see him...my _baby_ ," she pouted, letting out a long and forlorn sigh.

Law uttered a small noise of disgust, deciding that he'd much rather listen to Caesar's blathering and the Strawhat's antics than to continue being subjected to such talk. "I'm going to go," he muttered, tugging down the brim of his hat as he strode toward the door.

When the door shut behind him, Kade gave Jess a look. "Aw, damn, you made him leave with all your gross fangirling!" She made a teasing face.

Jess shrugged innocently. "Well sorry, but you know how much I love Sanji! Like I'm ever gonna keep my mouth shut about that."

"Eh, whatever, I guess...I didn't really know what to talk to him about anyway, and he's a pretty quiet person to begin with."

Jess gave her a mirthful grin. "Bet you're jealous! I already kissed Sanji twice!" She held up a peace sign as Kade scowled.

"Oh yeah, I am _so_ jealous that you can't even make out with him without having him lose a SANJI amount of blood and then being told that you can't go near him." Kade rolled her eyes. "So what happened this time, anyway?"

"Well," Jess began, a dreamy look covering her face, "I know it sounds weird, but I convinced him to brush his teeth to see if he'd taste any better. He, of course, complied readily, not knowing my ulterior motive. He just thought it was super romantic that we were brushing out teeth together."

"He _would,"_ Kade remarked.

Jess's cheeks tinged pink again and she let out a little giggle. "So then our eyes met over the sink and I just couldn't help myself. I grabbed his collar and kissed him... Ah, it was so magical!" Stars sparkled in her eyes momentarily before she came back to earth. "And then the blood-gates opened…" She threw her hands up in the air, letting her arms come back down slowly.

Kade snorted, then let it become full blown laughter as she slapped her friend on the arm. "Good for you homie, hahaha, good for you!" She huffed out a sigh a minute later. "Man…I don't think I have much of a chance with Law…he's so hard to read in the first place. You, on the other hand, couldn't have picked and easier guy to bag."

"Hey…you never know about Law. Maybe he thinks you're hot? Maybe you could try asking him out? Not like today or anything," she added, catching the look that Kade was giving her, "but…a little later…" It was Jess's turn to sigh now. "I just can't help how I feel about Sanji, and I know this is all crazy...but the truth is, we really haven't had much of a chance to talk yet. I'm just kind of…in awe of him right now.."

Jess paced back and forth a few times in front of where Kade was resting, bringing a hand to her head. "But then I think about his track record," she continued, "not to mention what's about to happen in…" her voice lowered to a whisper, "Dressrosa."

She and Kade shared a look.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is… I know _him_ , but he really doesn't know _me._ I'd like to go on a proper date once he's recovered and, you know, just spend a regular day with him... Do you think the others are going to think this is weird?"

"The others _already_ think it's weird," Kade assured her. "I mean, to them you've known him for only a day, but by the way you're acting...they probably think you have ulterior motives."

"I _don't_ have ulterior motivessss," Jess whined, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I just love him..."

"Well _they_ don't know that," Kade pointed out. "All I'm saying is that you need to be more careful not to give them any reason to think that you're taking advantage of Sanji, because you _know_ how often that happens to him.

Jess sighed. "Yeah, I do know how often that happens...my poor, stupid baby...but I'll prove to them that I'm genuine and that I'd never take advantage of him!"

"Good luck with that. In the meantime, I think Law is onto us. I...may have slipped up and let him see me smart phone earlier, and I really shouldn't have done that because now he's probably wondering who the fuck I am to have that kind of technology." She groaned into her hands upon recollecting the awkward-as-fuck exchange that had led to her slip-up. "Yeah, so...we really need to be more careful. This isn't like our RPs where we just wander in and everything goes exactly how we want it to, you know. Otherwise I'd be riding off into the fucking sunset on a certain submarine. So if things go wrong, they can REALLY go wrong. We'd be up Shit Creek with a hole in our canoe and no bucket. And we don't even have a way home..."

Jess nodded. "Yeah, you're right about that... Jesus, I can't believe your phone survived all that water! So I'm guessing Law didn't scream 'witchcraft' when you let him see it?"

Kade snorted. "No, he didn't. He was kind of quiet about it, but I could see the gears turning. I...had to delete all my Law pics first, though..." She let a moment of silence pass for the loss of her great library of Trafalgar Law screen captures and silly Tumblr memes.

"Awwww maaannnnn! All those Law pics! What a waste." Jess shook her head sadly. "Well, tell me you took some new ones with your camera, at least!" She said with a wink.

Kade couldn't help but grin back at her. "Well, since you brought it up..." She showed Jess the selfies that she took with Law and giggled as she recalled those moments. "He was all like, 'I don't look like that!' Haha!"

"Oh that's so cute!" Jess barely held back a squee. "Too bad you can't upload that onto Facebook, eh? DAT GRUMP FACE, SON!"

"Yeah, shit, I guess we'll just have to survive without the internet somehow..." She made a pained face, thinking about all the Tumblr memes she would be missing out on.

Jess grinned. "Hey, who needs the internet when we're finally living our pirate dream!" She busted out her and Kade's secret homie gangsta handshake.

A contemplative silence fell over the room for a minute or two. Kade chewed on her lower lip, anxiety twisting up her insides. Law definitely didn't trust them, and while she wasn't terribly worried about him voicing his suspicions to the rest of the crew, she _was_ concerned about keeping all of her body parts intact. And also she really just wanted him to like her, damn it all...which was a lot to ask for, considering the fact that Law didn't particularly like very many people to begin with.

Meanwhile, Jess was contemplating the way Sanji's ass had looked in his perfectly tailored trousers.

"Man…" Jess said after a moment, "I just thought of something. Now Sanji won't be able to cook for us!" A single tear slid down her cheek and she didn't bother to wipe it away, drama queen that she was.

Kade rolled her eyes. "Why don't _you_ just cook then? I was just telling Law all about your mad gumbo-stirring skills." She snickered.

"Uh, DUH, because I don't have the password to the fridge! And like hell Nami and Robin are just going to give it to me!"

"I'll ask Sanji for you. I'M not going to kiss him, so maybe they'll let me talk to him."

"What?!" Jess was appalled. "Like I'm going to just go in there and start kissing him without a word!"

Kade laughed and snorted in response, "Hell homie, they don't know that! You did it twice already and almost killed the guy!"

The curly haired woman was thoroughly abashed as she jutted her lips out and folded her arms tightly against her chest. "Yeah, yeah, Chopper already lectured me before he kicked me out. I can't help it! It's SANJI, and he's so mellorine!" She clasped her hands together.

"DOWN GIRL!" Kade clapped her hand on Jess's shoulder and winked.

"BAH! Like you wouldn't do the same to Law if he would allow it."

A faint blush made its way across Kade's cheeks and she sighed. "Yeah, whatever…"

Jess patted her shoulder sympathetically and whispered, "You should sit next to him at dinner!"

Kade had opened her mouth to reject that idea when all of a sudden, a loud whining erupted from elsewhere on the Sunny, effectively disturbing all of the ship's occupants. Jess hurried out onto the deck, almost tripping over Law and Caesar on her way to see Luffy and Chopper arguing near the mast.

"I'M HUNGRY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN SANJI CAN'T COOK?!"

"Sorry Luffy," the adorable reindeer responded sternly, "but Sanji is no condition to cook! He's barely able to stand, so I have to forbid it!"

"DAMMIT!" Luffy shouted in frustration, his pouting going into overdrive.

"Didn't you hear?" Usopp piped up as he joined the conversation. "Jess kissed him again and he lost so much blood he nearly died, AGAIN…AND GUESS WHO HAD TO MOP IT ALL UP?!"

"Well it's not like _I_ was going to do it," Nami remarked from nearby, crossing her arms indignantly. "Besides, you owe me...consider it a down payment on your most recent loan," she added with a sly smirk, causing Usopp to groan and slap his forehead.

Jess jogged over to them, feeling guilty. "Hey! Hey Luffy!"

Luffy grinned and pointed her out. "HEY! IT'S NOSEBLEED GIRL!"

She rubbed the back of her head, looking away momentarily, "Ehehehe…you can just call me Jess!"

Nami's gaze turned toward Jess. "What the hell is WRONG with you, doing that to him?!"

Oh no they were ganging up on her. She hung her head, flushing as bright red as Buggy's nose. "I…uh…I don't know what came over me…"

But Nami was not buying Jess's claim of innocence and adorable blushing. She put a hand on her hip, narrowing her eyes. "Riiiiighhhttt…"

"See!" Usopp pointed a finger at Jess accusingly. "I TOLD you it was a bad idea to say, I TOLD YOU! They're going to try to kill us one by one! She found Sanji's weakness and now she's using it against him!"

Jess held her hands up. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, no! Listen, that's the last thing I want. I don't want to kill Sanji!"

"What DO you want then?" Nami demanded as she continued to glare. "I mean, it's not like we have any gold or anything on this ship that's of value, nope! Sure don't!"

"Well, I just heard that Luffy was hungry, so…as an apology for knocking out your chef, I'd be happy to cook for you all tonight."

Usopp vigorously shook his head, grasping Nami's arm as he hissed, "NAMI, don't listen to her! She's probably going to poison our food! She started with Sanji and now she's going to finish the job with the rest of us, and what if she's working for the enemy? Our posters say _dead OR alive!_ OR! _"_

"THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!" Luffy shouted happily, bouncing back over. "Nami, open the fridge!"

Nami balked, halfway convinced that Usopp's paranoia might actually be justified. "WHAT?"

"NO, LUFFY!" Usopp argued. "I'm putting my foot down on this one. I want to survive! Isn't there anyone else on this crew who knows how to cook? How did you all survive on your own without Sanji?! I've have you know, I can put together a mean grilled cheese sandwich."

"NOT MORE CHEESE," Luffy whined loudly.

Shaking her head, the navigator looked from Luffy to Jess and then sighed. "You know what, this is ridiculous. I'll just supervise her while she cooks for us! I won't even give her the combination to the refrigerator," she added as Usopp opened his mouth to protest. "I'll just open it up myself."

Usopp made a face. "FINE, but I'm going with you. To supervise your supervising."

Jess grinned at this turn of events. "Alright, fair enough."

"Follow me, then." Giving the newcomer one last look, Nami turned and headed toward the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Kade had been looking on from the door of the infirmary. Watching Nami and Usopp lead Jess off toward the kitchen, she decided to venture back out as well, but stopped short as a tall figure caught her eye near the door.

She felt her heart do a backflip all of a sudden, her eyes traveling up Law's tall form to pause on his scowling face. "Oh, hey…"

Shit. How long had he been standing there? Had he been able to overhear any of what she and Jess had been not-so-quietly discussing within the infirmary? Just how insulated were those walls, anyway? Crap. What was the best course of action here? Kade held back a grimace and decided to go with pretending as though nothing was wrong. What could possible go awry there? Hm. Best not to think about it...

She cleared her throat. "Uh, so...you just kind of hang out over here?" Oh, yeah. Real subtle, Kade.

Law peered down at her, his expression unreadable. "I don't have a room here," he simply said. He nodded toward Jess's form just before she disappeared within the Sunny's kitchen. "The two of you should really be more careful...the Strawhats may look like idiots, but they are dangerous pirates." Law's eyes locked onto hers in that moment, giving her a look that seemed to say, 'as am I.'

Oh, yeah. He'd definitely overheard _something_. She had a feeling by the especially hostile look on his face. Shit, shit. She'd really messed up by letting him see her damn phone! What could she do to fix this? It wasn't as though she could just ask him what he'd overheard. There was no clever way to find out without him catching on.

Kade clenched her jaw, feeling a headache pulse its way to life. All this damned secrecy was getting too stressful. It would be far easier to just tell the truth...but the truth was crazier than any lie she could possibly come up with! He'd never believe her. He'd throw her off the ship. He'd cut her head off and attach it to her ass, and THEN throw her off the ship!

She sighed inaudibly, shuffling off to see what Zoro was up to. At least the swordsman didn't ask questions, other than "Are you going to drink the rest of that beer?"

Drop into the world of One Piece, they said. It'll be _fun,_ they said...


	7. Kitchen Nightmares

**Chapter 7: Kitchen Nightmares**

 _"_ _Two More Pieces, eh? Must be talking about pieces of meat. Speaking of which, I'm so hun-SNXXXX!" –Portgas D. Ace._

* * *

The trio of Jess, Usopp, and Nami, led by the queen herself were finally in the kitchen, standing directly in front of the prized refrigerator. It was locked up as tightly as Impel Down to keep the Captain and any other possible raiders aboard the Sunny from plundering it's wealth of food stuffs.

Only Sanji, Nami and Robin knew the combination. But since the chef was indisposed, Jess would be cooking that night. Nami had taken it upon herself to open the fridge and supervise the preparation of the meal that the castaway would be cooking with Usopp as her lovely assistant.

"No peeking, you two!" the Navigator warned looking over her shoulder once as she carefully unlocked it then opened both doors, standing back so that Jess could get her pick of ingredients. She knew since it was Jess, Sanji would be fine with her taking whatever she needed, suspicious as Nami still was of the woman.

Jess stared at the contents in awe, they seemed to shine bright like a diamond. " Look at all this stuff…" She clasped her hands together, nearly squealing with delight as she imagined Sanji picking these items out personally and she knew they would definitely be all the freshest ingredients. She dove in, tossing vegetables and the like to her assistant who scrambled to catch them.

Usopp was quickly put to working chopping peppers, onions and celery and he bemoaned his tasks as he cried over the onions. "How did it end up like this?"

Jess was peeling and deveining shrimp as a large pot of water was set on the stove to boil, next to her a bowl of crabs that she intended to harvest the meat from. "Hey when you're done with that, can you chop up the lettuce for salad?"

"Sure…" Usopp trailed off, wiping onion tears from his eyes on his forearm, "Cut this, Usopp…yeah yeah…"

Nami was sitting at the kitchen table nearby, sipping coffee and making some sketches that Jess assumed were for maps.

Jess couldn't help but grin at Usopp's whining and was still marveling at the fact that he was actually there working with her! She had always loved Usopp's character, being able to identify with him strongly. She cleared her throat after a few more minutes of working in silence with nothing but sniffling and chopping sounds.

"Hey Usopp, did I ever tell you how much I admire your skills?" Jess grinned, pointing a freshly peeled shrimp in his direction.

Usopp seemed stunned momentarily and his eyes widened. "You do? I MEAN, of course you do!" The man puffed up his chest in response, becoming bolder. "I'm just a regular guy though, you know, hehehe!"

"Really?" Jess countered, preparing to butter him up. "Because that's not what I heard…I heard that you were a brave warrior of the sea."

Usopp's eyes lit up further and he paused, putting a hand to his chin. "HOHOHO, well, there are many who say that, but I do try to remain humble! Even though there are statues erected in my honor in many parts of the world now. USOPP, THE WARRIOR, striking fear into the hearts of those who would oppose him and inspiring those who would stand beside him to fight in the name of freedom! …Well, that's what _they_ say, anyway." The sniper grinned at Jess, seemingly warming up to her a bit more now.

"Wow…your badassery knows no bounds!" Jess lowered her voice then and leaned forward, "I've heard whispered tales about the Legendary Sogeking from Sniper Island too you know…is he your relative or something? I honestly thought that you were even more skilled than he was!"

"Indeed, we are distant relatives! Sogeking likes to brag that he's the best sniper in the world, but you're right about that, I am definitely the more skilled one! And also more handsome."

"Oh I never questioned that for a minute. Your hair is magnificent! You might notice that mine is the same curliness as yours actually…but I could never get mine as long."

Jess paused and cleared her throat, feeling emboldened by the sudden camaraderie with Usopp that her flattery had procured.

"Usopp…this may be a little bit forward of me, but… can I touch your abs?" She gave a shit eating grin and then glanced over in Nami's direction quickly to see if the other girl had reacted to this request. Her shipper heart wanted so much to see what she'd interpreted onscreen here in the real One Piece, she just had to try and instigate something.

Usopp turned bright red at this request of course. "Wh-wh-what?! I-I-I…I mean, I do have an impressive body, of course girls would want to touch it! EHEHEHEHE!" He giggled in embarrassment and managed to miss the celery stalk he was cutting and sliced into his finger instead. "GYAAAAAAAAAH I'M BLEEDING!'

"ACK USOPP! Are you okay?!" Jess frantically grabbed a towel and tried to staunch his bleeding finger by wrapping it tight and squeezing. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to make you lose your concentration , man…." She gave him an angelic grin as she realized she was all up in his personal space, surely Nami would notice that.

The orange-haired queen didn't seem to notice, however.

Jess cursed under her breath, going to the next phase of her 'Make Nami Jealous' plan.

Usopp was chuckling awkwardly. "It's no big de—EAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" He suddenly jumped back when she reached toward his midsection and lightly touched his abs.

"OH MY GOD…okay I wasn't expecting them to be that hard…" She flushed slightly, embarrassed.

"WH-WH-N-N-N-N WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He held his hands up to keep the distance between them, then noticing the blood that was still dripping from his finger, "GAH I'M STILL BLEEDING!"

"You said I could feel your abs!" Jess countered, feeling more flustered, "I mean…at least it seemed like you said it was okay? I'm sorry…do you want me to go get Chopper? I just seem to keep hurting you guys…" She hugged her arms and looked at the ground, feeling guilty.

There was finally a reaction from Nami though it wasn't the one Jess was hoping for.

The redhead walked over into the kitchen and fished out the first aid kit. "Oh he's fine, he's just being a big baby." She quickly and calmly bandaged Usopp's finger. "There, , now don't ask me to kiss it better, just get back to work!"

Usopp cast a dirty look in Jess' direction all the while mumbling under his breath about how she had tried to kill Sanji before, and apparently he was next.

"I said I was sorry Usopp…" Jess kept trying to catch his eye again but to no avail.

Luffy, who had apparently been hanging outside the door of the kitchen with his ear pressed against it, could no longer contain himself and howled, "IS IT READY YET?!"

"NOT YET, GET OUT!" Came Nami's admonishment from within the room.

Jess opened the door just enough to stick her head out and present the Captain with a wheel of cheese. "Why don't you just have some this?"

Luffy pouted, but accepted the wheel. "I can't just eat cheese, that's sad…" He pouted between giant bites, that hypocrite.

Finally, after what seemed like about five eternities if you asked Luffy, Jess stood back to take a look at what was probably her finest culinary achievement. Too bad Sanji was laid up in bed and unable to witness it! The food was all set out onto the dinner table, cooked and ready to eat and goddamn did it ever smell delicious. She'd even made some grilled fish for Law, with onigiri on the side, as she knew that he would probably refuse to eat the pasta.

"Okay," she announced, flinging open the kitchen door and inadvertently hitting Luffy in the face, "dinner is-HOLY SHIT, sorry Luffy!"

Completely unaffected, Luffy only grinned as his features immediately snapped back into place. "Can we eat now?! I'M STARVING!"

Jess grinned back. "I was about to say, dinner is served! And I only almost killed Usopp twice in the process!" She laughed as she ribbed the sniper a bit, although he practically jumped a foot when she touched him. Gah! Damn it, she didn't want Usopp to dislike her! CRAP. As if it wasn't already bad enough that Nami failed to give a shit when Jess had basically felt up Usopp in front of her.

While she was lamenting the fact that her OTP was not canon, Luffy bounced past her into the kitchen. He plopped down at his usual spot, grabbing up the utensils in front of him and banging them onto the table. "FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!"

"FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!" Shouted Brook as he did the same.

Had Sanji been there, he would have viciously insulted their incivility and called them a couple of cretins before kicking each of them in the head. But alas, all Sanji could do was writhe in bed as his bad-manners senses began to tingle.

Brook continued, "I'm so hungry, my stomach is digesting itself! ...Although I don't have a stomach, YOHOHOHO!"

Most of the crew rushed into the kitchen at once, and all of a sudden the noise level was dialed up to eleven. Luffy didn't bother to wait for everyone to be seated before he was grabbing this or that, stuffing various food items into his black-hole of a mouth.

"SUUUUPER!" Franky exclaimed after he'd tried a bite of pasta. "Excellent work, curly-sis!"

Jess beamed back at him, glancing around the table as everyone began to stuff their faces in true Strawhat fashion. It was just like so many scenes she'd watched from beyond her computer screen! Still so hard to believe that this wasn't all just some cruel trick of the mind!

Nami spoke up over the din of the crew, glancing toward the crew's doctor. "Chopper, do you think Sanji-kun can join us?" She gave Jess a sidelong look at that, as though communicating that his current condition was definitely her fault.

The tiny adorable doctor shook his head sternly. "No, he should stay in bed. I'll bring some food to him later, but we can't risk worsening his condition."

Jess bit her lip upon hearing that, poking her fingers together and giving Chopper an earnest look. "P-please...uhh...Chopper-kun, can't I bring it to him?" After all, she _had_ purposely made Sanji's favorite food. She'd been really looking forward to seeing his reaction.

But the reindeer did not yield to her plea. "I can't let you do that when his condition is so critical," he said.

Jess let out a sigh, looking very sad and dejected.

A moment later, Kade sat down at the table, taking the vacant spot between Jess and Nami. Usopp sat opposite her, his finger still wrapped in a bandage, and Kade raised one eyebrow. "Usopp, what the hell happened to you?"

The sniper gulped and looked away. "IT...IT WAS NOTHING," he insisted, a bead of sweat dripping down his forehead.

Jess tapped her best friend on the arm and mouthed, "I'll tell you later."

Meanwhile, Law had been puzzling over the table settings and the dishes that Jess had specially prepared. His name had been written on a place card in front of the plate meant for him, which...okay, that wasn't totally unheard of, except...

"What's...?" He gestured with toward the plate of grilled fish she'd made for him, which was completely different than the food that everyone else was eating. His eyes narrowed slightly.

"Law, I made that special for you," Jess explained as she hurried to replenish the table's dwindling pasta bowls. Luffy really was a human fucking vacuum.

The surgeon barely held back his surprise. It was as though she KNEW that he disliked such things. How the hell would she know that?! "Uh...thanks," he managed to grunt, peering over at Kade from across the table and wondering if the other girl had clued Jess in on his hatred for those wretched wheat products.

Kade managed to discreetly catch Jess's eye, raising her eyebrows at her BFF. She was being way too obvious by making Law special food, and HE NOTICED IT. Damn it all. She could only hope that he wouldn't ask her about it later...ah, who was she kidding?

A loud whining erupted from just outside the kitchen. "I'M SO HUNGRY WHY WON'T ANYONE FEED ME SHURORORORO I JUST WANT SALAD!" It was followed by the famously annoying gas noise that never ceased when Caesar Clown was nearby.

Jess, felt bad for the clown, whom she had grown to like despite him being a whiny, irredeemable asshole who experimented on children. She left the kitchen momentarily to bring him some of the Caesar salad that she'd prepared to go along with the spicy seafood pasta.

Caesar was shocked that anyone had actually listened to him. He was so used to being ignored, or yelled at and kicked/punched for his protests! His eyes welled up with tears.

"Caesar Salad?! My absolute favorite, shurorororo, you're an angel!" He crooned as the annoying gas noise continued though it became less loud when the door separating the kitchen closed again.

Jess returned to bewildered stares from several of the crew members. "Hey, I know he's a prisoner, but you don't have to starve him…"

Dammit, on second thought, that was probably a dumb thing to do. Now Usopp and Law would be even more suspicious of her! She cleared her throat in an attempt to change the subject.

"SO! I know this isn't as good as Sanji's cooking, but I hope you guys are liking it. Don't worry, Nami was supervising so she made sure there's no poison in it." She followed up with an awkward laugh, then her eyes widened and she continued, "ER! I MEAN, it couldn't POSSIBLY be as good as Sanji's cooking, if he's as good as you all say he is! I only tasted breakfast made by him after all…"

Jess wished she could hide her face and hoped that most of them were so absorbed in eating they hadn't given her incoherent babblings a second thought. Bah, Law probably would anyway though. He didn't miss much. Dammit, dammit. She sat down next to Kade and gave her the poutiest, saddest frown imaginable because she felt so dumb.

Kade, although a bit worried about Law's intuitiveness, slung an arm around Jess' shoulder and gave a squeeze. "Hey this stuff is amazing, you did really great!"

Jess nodded, feeling the tiniest bit better until she remembered what had transpired earlier. "Thanks...it took almost killing Usopp to get this done."

Kade shook her head. "Jesus, we have got to do something about your homicidal tendencies."

"I was trying to find out if Nami liked him or not!"

"Well? What did you find out?"

Jess looked dejected. "NOTHING."

Kade snorted. "And anyway, I didn't think that would have involved stabbing the guy."

"I flattered the hell out of him and asked if I could touch his abs and he seemed okay with it, but then he cut himself and then I was helping him with the cut to I went ahead and touched his abs and then he freaked the fuck out!" Jess took a deep breath and continued, "And the worst part is, Nami didn't even seem to care!"

"Well… we really can't expect her to."

"Our OTP isn't canon, this is all Oda's fault!" Jess sulked a moment longer and then pounded her fist on top of her palm as inspiration struck. "I know! I'll set them up on a date! The Strawhats always separate when they go to islands, and Nami said there was another island between here and Dressrosa!" Jess grinned and then leaned closer. "Hey…while I'm at it, I'll set you up with Law, _wink wink._ " She giggled.

Kade rolled her eyes. "I doubt that'd work…" It was a seriously good thing that the Strawhats were so boisterous during dinner. She'd have been mortified if Law had heard what they were talking about.

"Well, _he_ doesn't have to know it's a date! I will make it happen for you and be your wing woman!" Jess gave her bestie a thumbs up.

The surgeon in question had been poking at the contents on his plate in contemplative silence amidst the cacophony of the Strawhat pirates, casting furtive glances toward each one of them. It had been thoughtful of Jess to provide him sustenance of the non-bread variety... _too_ thoughtful. Either someone on the crew had been taking exceptionally good notes on him and passing that information along to complete strangers, _or_ this was yet another case in which the curly-haired woman knew things she wasn't necessarily supposed to know about.

The latter was confirmed when one of the Strawhats spoke up once most of the crew had finished eating.

"It's really too bad Sanji-kun couldn't join us for dinner. You know," Nami said as she pushed back her plate, her eyes settling on Jess and giving her a rather incredulous look, "you actually...made his favorite food..."

Jess turned red as a stoplight. "O-oh...was it?" She stammered, feigning ignorance although she knew perfectly goddamn well how much Sanji loved spicy seafood pasta.

Nami was giving her a scrutinizing gaze and was about to open her mouth to remark on Jess's reaction, when Kade beat her to it.

"Actually, it's a really common dish where we come from," she proclaimed, clapping Jess on the shoulder.

Jess nodded. "Yeah, I mean, I'm from somewhere that has a huge seafood culture," she added, grateful for that well-timed save just then.

Kade continued, "Usually we serve it when entertaining new acquaintances. It's kind of a tradition! Isn't that funny?" She chuckled a little too long before abruptly cutting herself off.

"I'm baking a traditional pie right now, in fact!" Jess announced.

Franky hummed, tapping his finger against his chin for a moment before thrusting forward a gigantic thumbs-up. "Super! You'll have to show us more of your traditional dishes, curly-sis. Especially if they're as good as what we just ate!"

Zoro grinned and raised his half-empty beer bottle. "Let's fire the shitty cook and hire that one instead."

Luffy laughed loudly. "I'm not going to fire Sanji, you guys are stupid! BUT MAN THAT WAS DELICIOUS, SHISHISHI!"

Robin smiled into her glass of water as she raised it to her lips, amused by their enthusiasm, although she could totally tell that Kade and Jess had just lied their asses off. Still, they didn't strike her as threats exactly...and she was no stranger to having to lie about her past herself. She thought that perhaps she'd continue to observe their actions for the time being.

"Ooh, what kind of pie are you making?" Brook asked, craning his neck toward the oven. "I want blueberry!"

"No! MEAT PIE!" Luffy argued, starting a useless argument among half the crew about which kind of pie was the best pie.

"We don't have pie in Wano Country…" Momonosuke contemplated. "But I'm not even hungry, so I won't eat it anyway!"

Kinemon shook his head. "Momonosuke, I told you it's okay to eat! We gratefully accept your delicious pies, de gozarou." He nodded towards Jess who grinned thinking he sounded a lot like Kenshin from that old anime, 'Rurouni Kenshin.' Boy did she love that pink-shirted short man back in the day!

Brook took this opportunity to saunter over to the girls. "YOHOHOHO, so when are you ladies going to show me your panties?" He asked with an open mouthed grin.

"STOP THAT!" Nami reprimanded the skeleton, giving him a swift kick in the shin.

"OW! Sorry, Nami-san..."

Jess shook her head in amusement. Who would've thought that one day Brook would be asking to see their panties?

The oven beeped loudly just then, and she rushed over to remove the chocolate pecan pies she'd baked. She knew that Kade especially was going to love these, being the pecan fiend that she was.

As the pies cooled, Jess made drinks for everyone to go along with them, absentmindedly making her way around the kitchen as her thoughts kept drifting back to a certain curly-browed man. She really hoped he was okay.

The pies finished cooling just as she'd finished making the drinks, and she served them using two separate trays.

As Jess began handing out drinks and pie, the precise way in which she'd chosen the drinks for everyone in the group brought alarm to Law and Robin. Their eyes met, eyebrows raised over Law's black coffee and Robin's tea in her favorite cup and saucer.

Things got even weirder, especially since Jess had never asked any of them what they wanted to drink with the pie. Everyone received something different; she handed Franky a cola, milk to Chopper and Luffy, a bottle of Sake to Zoro, orange juice to Nami. Kinemon, Momo and Brook were each given tea. She even used Brook's skull-themed teacup.

Jess herself took coffee, and had made hot chai tea for Kade.

Brook didn't seem to care as he continued to pester the ladies for details about their panties. "So if you won't show me your panties, maybe you could describe them to me? Yohohoho!"

Kade rolled her eyes. "Why, so you can have strange, perverted fantasies about us?"

"I like panties, is that such a crime?" He insisted, punctuating his sentence with another enthusiastic 'YOHOHOHO!'

Kade shrugged. "They're black," she deadpanned between sips of chai.

"Mine are pink," Jess added while stirring cream and sugar into her coffee.

Brook was delighted. "YOHOHOHO, FANTASTIC! Thank you ladies! I believe I'll write a song about your panties!"

Franky finished his slice of pie and looked over a the bottle of cola that Jess had brought him. "COLA! Who told you my favorite is cola, curly-sis? Do you have a devil fruit ability?"

Jess's eyes widened and she began laughing almost hysterically, realizing what she'd done. "AHAHAHA, um, no, no...I don't have an ability. Those bottles in the fridge were so big, it's like they were meant for your hands, so I guess I just assumed they were for you?"

Franky seemed to accept this without a second thought, but Nico Robin wasn't fooled for a second. She was curious why Jess would so obviously lie about what had just happened. Just who were these people? None of the other crew members seemed to notice, though Nami did seem slightly more suspicious now as well.

Chopper finished his milk and wiped away a small mustache from his fur. He pushed away from the table and stood up. "Okay, I'm going to go check on Sanji and bring him dinner now."

Jess immediately stood up as well, giving Chopper her most pleading look. "Please…can't I come with you? I promise I won't try anything…"

The doctor looked like he was considering it. It was dangerous to allow her so close to him again to be sure, but she _had_ just made them all a nice dinner. He decided to relent.

"Okay, as long as you don't get too close to him while he's recovering." He morphed into strong point and lifted the tray Jess had made for him.

"I promise!" Jess said excitedly as she followed Chopper out of the kitchen. "Did I mention you're so cute and nice, Chopper-kun?!"

"YOU ASSHOLE!" Chopper exclaimed with a grin as the door shut.

Usopp's gaze was still on the door and he turned to look back at his crewmates with a hand to his chin. "She's really obsessed with Sanji, don't you think?"

"I know…" Nami agreed, "It concerns me…"

Kade barely managed to keep her palm from smacking her forehead on impulse. "It's...it's okay," she said, trying to keep an air of nonchalance in her tone, "she kind of comes on strong sometimes but she really doesn't mean any harm." Damn it, Jess...she could have been just a LITTLE more subtle!

Nami hummed thoughtfully, still unsure what to make of these two bizarre women and the lack of explanation for why they'd ended up traveling together. "That sounds just like Sanji, actually," she surmised with a slight scoff. "I guess this is what a female version of him would act like, anyway..."

Kade snorted. "A hopeless romantic, you mean?"

Nami shrugged. "Well, she _was_ practically groping Usopp earlier." Her eyes darted toward her left, giving Usopp a look as if to say, 'and you thought I hadn't noticed.'

Zoro rolled his eyes. "Great, because _that's_ just what we needed more of."

"YOHOHOHO!" Brook placed both elbows on the table and leaned forward, suddenly very interested in the turn the conversation had taken. "How fascinating!"

Usopp chuckled, trying to act cool now that Jess had left the room, even though he'd completely freaked out when it had happened. "Well, ah, who could blame her?! I was voted top ten sexiest men on the Grand Line, you know! Two years running!"

"SHISHISHI!" Luffy laughed, patting at his enormous stomach now that he'd finally eaten his fill. "She's funny! You're both funny! That's why you guys should join my crew!"

"LUFFY, NO!" Usopp grabbed his Captain's sleeve and shook him. "You can't keep inviting random people to join the crew! It's not safe!"

Nami shook her head, finding herself wanting to believe the explanation. After all, they _were_ world-famous pirates. Was it so hard to believe that they had managed to garner a following of sorts after all this time? They each had impersonators, for crying out loud! A slightly weird female fan was, in fact, not the strangest thing they'd faced after all. She stared long and hard at Kade, who seemed to become uncomfortable under her gaze for some reason, before finally throwing up her hands.

"I GUESS it makes sense. A hopeless romantic, you say? But there are plenty of guys on this crew...why would she just fixate on Sanji? I mean..." She trailed off, eyeing Law in particular, as anyone with eyes could see that he was the hottest dude aboard.

Kade followed Nami's gaze, immediately picking up what the navigator was putting down there. No arguments from her! Yep. Even just sitting there poking suspiciously at his uneaten fish as if it would spring to life and attack him at any moment, Law was practically radiating sexy. Goddamn, that man could rock a scowl. He probably had no idea how fucking hot he was.

Snapping back to attention, Kade looked back at Nami and nodded. "It's like I was telling Law earlier, she _does_ have a thing for dudes with bizarre eyebrows, and, well...Sanji's got the fucking weirdest ones I've ever seen."

"Hmmm. That _is_ true," Nami agreed.

"It's suspicious," Law said just then, having glanced up when Kade had said his name. "You expect us to believe that she made Sanji-ya's favorite food just by pure coincidence?" He then looked pointedly at the food before him. "And _this._ "

Kade was screaming internally, part of her wanting to run the fuck away and the other part determined to stand her ground and come up with some other lie to quell their doubts. She cursed the fact that Jess had just up and disappeared, leaving Kade to cover her tracks. How the hell was she going to explain all of it away?!

She cleared her throat, catching Law's eye. "Didn't she tell you guys that she's been following your progress for a long time now? I mean, you guys have been making the news a _lot_ lately! Hell, did you know there's a tabloid out now that reports all kinds of rumors? I think it's called 'Kaizoku Weekly' or something."

Franky raised his eyebrows in interest. "Rumors? Are there any about me?"

"Hey, what about ME?!" Luffy piped up.

"I dunno, I don't read that shit." Kade shrugged, feigning ignorance even though she and Jess had fucking made up Kaizoku Weekly while they'd been writing their own One Piece fanfiction series.

"It's just a waste of time," Law cut in. "Don't worry about what it says."

Nami sighed, feeling as though she wasn't really getting anywhere. She pushed back from the table. "Ah, well...we should probably start cleaning this mess up. Sanji-kun usually does it..."

And there it was. The excuse to exit the conversation that Kade had been waiting for! Time to make herself useful and help clean up, which would of course render her unable to continue answering their questions for the time being.

"I'll do it!" She jumped up, quick to volunteer herself for dish duty. Probably for the first time in her life.

"Oh, but your friend already cooked for us," Nami pointed out. "We can't make you guys do everything. Usopp can clean up!"

Usopp frowned. "OI!"

Kade shook her head, holding up her hands in an insistent gesture. "Hey, we're the ones mooching off you guys! It's okay, I got it," she assured her, moving to begin collecting each of the plates from the table. It was an enormous mess, and Kade was pleased with the knowledge that she'd be busy with this task for quite a while.

Until Law pushed back from his chair and said, "I'll help you."

A plate nearly slipped from Kade's fingers when she heard that announcement, her eyes widening comically. "What? No, no! It's okay, I got it." She repeated, gathering several more dishes before hurrying off to the sink with her armload, squeezing her eyes shut once her back was turned and whispering several choice expletives through her teeth.

That was it. She simply wasn't meant to survive this world. Law was on to her, and this was obviously just an opportunity for him to fucking interrogate her. _Shit._ And also, would it really kill the Strawhats to own a goddamn dishwasher?!

The surgeon came up behind her, rolling up his sleeves as he prepared to help wash dishes. "Don't look so alarmed," he remarked casually, although Kade could practically _hear_ the smirk in that sexy bastard's voice.

As if she could NOT freak out! He was just as intelligent as he was attractive. She couldn't keep up the charade forever...but what would happen to her and Jess if she tried to tell him the truth?! Surely nothing good! He stepped up beside her, the close proximity causing her to fumble one of the glasses in her hands. It fell, smashing to pieces in the sink, and she hissed another curse while she hurried to pick them up.

Damn him. Damn this. Damn _everything._

"Does your shoulder still hurt?" Law asked, amusement bleeding through his otherwise standoffish tone. He _knew._ Motherfucker.

She shook her head. "Nope, I'm perfect! I mean, my _shoulder_ is. Perfect. Fine. All good!"

 _Oh for the love of god, stop talking._

"Stubborn," he commented, shaking his head as he reached toward the faucet to begin filling the sink. "It'll go faster with two people working."

Kade pursed her lips, swallowing before nodding in agreement. "Yeah, that's true..." She was desperately willing her nerves to calm the fuck down. Sure, he had an ulterior motive for helping her...but she just had to stick to her guns and power through this! Hell, what other choice did she have? She reached for the dish towel that was draped over the stove's handle. "I...guess I'll dry, then."

As the last of the crew prepared to exit the kitchen, Law leaned just a bit closer and lowered his voice so that only Kade could hear. "You might have _them_ fooled...but I'm not buying that bunch of lies. There's no way you both are simply shipwrecked civilians."

Kade froze. She glanced up at him in that moment, and immediately regretted it; her blood ran cold beneath his steely stare and her stomach began twisting itself into knots. After a long moment she finally managed to avert her eyes. "What...what do you mean by that?"

Law grunted, narrowing his eyes as he picked up a clean sponge and dunked it into the sudsy water. "You're far more discreet than your friend, Kade-ya. But I suspect you know the same things that she does. It's more than a little odd how well she seems to know this crew, regardless of your claim that she's simply a fan of them."

'I know, damn it,' Kade wanted to shout back, 'but I can't get her to be more subtle!' Christ, all she wanted to do in that moment was disappear from that spot. What if she pretended to faint? Or suddenly become ill with food poisoning? Shit, no. He'd never believe that. In fact, that would only make things worse. Damn it all!

"...I really like the designs on these plates," she said instead as Law passed one over to her to dry. "I wonder where they got them? They look expensive, I bet Luffy smashes them all the time. You'd think it would be more economically beneficial for them to just buy paper plates."

Law knew he had her cornered. "I will find out the truth," he said matter-of-factly as he grabbed up the next plate and began scrubbing it.

Kade couldn't even look at him anymore.

 _DAMN IIIIIIIIIITTTTT!_


	8. Sleepless on the Sunny

**Chapter 8: Sleepless on the Sunny  
**

" _SHURORORORORO! Law is a total dick!" –Caesar Clown._

* * *

After the happy laughter and being called a jerk and an asshole multiple times by Chopper, Jess was fairly certain she was well on her way to getting on his good side. This was huge even that he'd allowed her into the same room with Sanji, the man she'd almost killed…TWICE! Sanji had been moved to the infirmary after the earlier 'incident' and the pair entered the darkened room quietly.

"Sanji?" Chopper called softly. "Are you awake? We brought you dinner." The reindeer placed the tray on the table next to the bed and leaned over the chef.

Sanji opened his eyes and blinked, letting out a small yawn. "Oh, Chopper, it smells like…" His face broke into a smile. "My favorite dish! But who made it? I didn't think any of you guys could cook."

"Actually, Jess made it." The doctor stepped aside, poofing back into brain point to revel Jess, who raised her hand in greeting.

"Hey Sanji…" She moved closer to his bedside, still feeling guilty that he was there because of her. Of course, in the past, when she'd only been reading or watching these incidents from the other side of the page or screen, she'd been rolling her eyes and oftentimes disgusted. But being the cause of it gave her a very different feeling. And even though it had been the cause of his current predicament, her eyes traveled back down to his lips, already thinking about kissing him again.

She was an utter mess.

Sanji's face completely morphed the moment he saw her, his eyes lighting up and sparkling. A ridiculous smile spread across his face. "JESS-SWAN!" He glanced over to the tray. "You…you made this for me? How did you know?"

Jess opened her mouth, ready to lie her ass off yet again as much as it pained her to, when Sanji declared:

"NO! I know how you knew…you don't have to explain anything. It's because…we're SOULMATES! Destined to be together, that's right…" He sighed deeply, almost bordering on a swoon, and his eyes seemed to get even bigger. "I only wish I knew more about you…"

Jess laughed nervously as she sat down gingerly on the stool next to his bed. "Well, it's…complicated. But I could tell you about me if you really want to know…" She brushed a stray curl behind her ear before reaching for his hand...

Only to have it blocked by Chopper's tiny adorable hoof. Dammit! Chopper cock-block! Jess was about to be angry or at least miffed, but the little reindeer's face was so freaking cute that she settled on sighing in disappointment.

"Jess, what did we agree on earlier?" He gave her another one of his famous cute stern looks and got to work checking Sanji's vitals.

Sanji too sighed in disappointment at Chopper's refusal to let their hands touch, then smiled at Jess. "I'd love to hear all about you, Jess-swan! It would make my time in this bed go by much faster, and I can't think of a better person to talk to." He was finally able to get to dinner once Chopper was finished and twirled a bite of pasts on to his fork, taking a bite and making a delighted noise. "This tastes wonderful!"

She blushed at his compliment. "Thank you! I'm glad you like it, I know it's probably nowhere near as good as yours but I tried! And I made chocolate pecan pie for dessert. One of Kade's favorites. I hope you'll like it, too." Jess grinned. "And, well, if your adorably cute doctor would allow me to remain by your side, I'd be happy to tell you about myself. I was hoping you would ask… "

Chopper gave her a wary look like he was thinking it over. Jess might be an asshole who didn't make him happy at all with her compliments, but maybe they'd been misjudging her. She seemed to really care about Sanji.

"Alright," he relented. "You can stay as look as you don't do anything to aggravate his condition."

"Of course!" She quickly agreed. "I don't want him dead, you know. I mean…that's the last thing I want." She gazed back over to the bedridden man with so much tenderness in her eyes that she'd have been throwing up if she'd read this line in a fanfic.

Chopper still had to impress upon her how serious this was, however, and he continued, "I'm telling you this because there's no way you could know, but Sanji had an incident recently in which he seriously could have died because of his perverted mind. It might not seem very serious to you, but it definitely can kill him!"

Sanji was impatient, getting annoyed with what he considered to be the over protectiveness of Chopper. He was very much looking forward to being alone with Jess once more.

"Oi, Chopper, I'll be fine!"

"Sanji! I mean it! I don't have much of your blood type in my stores leftover so you have to be extra careful!"

"Of course I know that…" Sanji replied, looking back at Jess adoringly enough to induce additional vomiting.

This Chopper cock-block was getting way out of hand at this point!

"Chopper…can you just…leave us for now?" Jess blushed again and furiously rubbed the back of her head. "I promise I won't kill him."

With a final stare of what seemed to say 'I'm watching you' only in the most adorable way, the doctor left. "…I'll be back later to check on him."

And with that, he was gone.

Jess breathed out a sigh as she turned back to her prince. "We're finally alone…" She couldn't stop the grin that spread across her face.

Sanji seemed to forget about his dinner as he agreed, "I was afraid her would never leave! Oh Jess-swan, I feel better already just gazing at your beautiful face…I don't care what he says! I would gladly give my life for one more kiss from you." The idiot grin returned as he began replaying their previous kisses in his head, causing a small trickle of blood from his nose.

Jess shook her head in amusement as she used a handkerchief to gently wipe the blood from his face. "I would love to kiss you until I have to stop from exhaustion, but that'll have to wait. Maybe with some rigorous training we'll get you into not-dying shape in no time! I mean…hopefully." She reached for his hand, and this time there was no one to stop them from touching. "It was a really nice kiss while it lasted…I think there's hope for you yet Sanji!"

His fingers curled around hers, relishing the moment as he sighed once more. "It was a wonderful kiss…I dreamt about it the entire time I was asleep, I'm sure of it!"

She smiled back at him, giving his hand a squeeze as her heart started pounding; she had had an ulterior motive in seeing him tonight as well. "S-sanji… I did also want to ask you something."

"Hm? Something you want to ask me? Of course, anything, my princess!"

"Well, the others said we're going to be stopping at an island before we reach our final destination. I was ah…wondering if you would perhaps…like to go out with me when we reach that island? Y-you know…on a proper date…" Her face flushed red as she averted her eyes quickly.

Sanji's eyes widened. "A..a date?! With you, Jess-swan?" He gasped, throwing one arm over his face as he emitted a high-pitched giggle. "Oh, this is so wonderful! Can…can this even be real? Am I still dreaming? Surely I must be…! Though if I am dreaming, I hope I never wake up!" He squeezed her hand tightly, sitting up a little straighter and gazing into her eyes. "I would love nothing more, Jess-swan! I would be honored to escort you to dinner, dancing, wherever you would like to go!" Hearts began to emerge from him somehow, quickly filling the room, and Sanji's one visible eye had now also taken the form of a large pink heart.

Jess smiled back at him, never letting go of his hand. "I honestly don't even care where we go… I've wanted to just…be with you for as long as I can remember." The words flowed so freely from her mouth before she could realize she shouldn't be saying them. "I've been pinching myself since I got here to be honest with you," she said as she batted the hearts blocking her view from Sanji out of the way.

"Sanji…" she continued, feeling a pang in her heart. Before she could really go further with this, she had to ask. She had to know. "By saying yes…are you saying there's room in your heart for me? That…there's…no one else?" She gulped, afraid of what she might hear as she thought about Sanji's long-standing infatuation with Nami. Maybe that would ultimately be an obstacle they couldn't overcome.

To her relief, Sanji took this question seriously and never let go of her hand while he was responding.

"I… for my whole life…have been a man who exists to love women," he explained, giving her fingers a light squeeze. "I believe they should always be treated with respect and adoration, receive the chivalry they deserve. I have strived to give them my very best, always. Because of this, I have room in my heart for every woman in the world. But if you're asking whether or not I will be faithful, then you shouldn't worry at all, Jess-swan. The answer is, of course, yes!"

He grinned back at her, a thousand fantasies flying through his mind of himself and Jess doing various domestic and romantic things. Ah, how wonderful! It could be just like he'd always dreamed! 'I'm sorry, Nami-san, Robin-chan…please don't feel sad,' he thought to himself, 'but it seems that I am…IN LOVE!'

Jess accepted his answer with a smile, bringing the hand she had clasped in hers up to her lips for a kiss, thinking about what a mellorine idiot this man was. "Alright then…It's a date then! …Now I guess I should tell you a little about myself…"

Sanji looked like he was about to melt away at any moment as he cooed, "I'd love nothing more than to hear all about Jess-swan!"

She laughed in spite of herself; his face was so cute and ridiculous. "Oh my gosh, you're such an idiot." Her cheeks flushed as she continued to look at him fondly.

And there she remained for the rest of the night until neither of them could keep their eyes open anymore.

She'd wanted to crawl in bed with him, but thinking the better of it, just remained at his bedside. Sometime in the night, her head had fallen down onto an empty spot on the mattress. Her back was going to be killing her the next morning, but she barely even noticed as she drifted off to sleep, their hands still clasped together.

oOo

Kade couldn't sleep.

It wasn't as though her designated sleeping area wasn't suitable; the sofa that stretched along the length of the Sunny's magnificent aquarium was actually very comfortable, in fact, and she found the sound of the flowing water behind the glass quite soothing. Nami had even provided a couple of luxurious, fluffy pillows and fleece blankets from the women's quarters. By all accounts, Kade should have had no complaints.

It was just that every time she closed her eyes, the events from earlier that evening came rushing right back: the awkwardness of dinner with the Strawhats and the goddamned interrogation she'd undergone thereafter; Law's cold gaze on the back of her head as she continued to avoid eye contact, babbling all sorts of inane shit instead; all the dishware she'd broken by accident in her haste to finish the chore and escape him. That had been a hasty and half-assed scheme in itself, considering her only refuge came in the form of a grueling workout with Zoro shortly afterward. It lasted several hours and kind of made her want to kill herself.

Now her entire body was sore, her shoulder was throbbing, and despite the logical assumption that such a workout would leave her exhausted enough to sleep like the dead for days to come, Kade found herself wide awake even after having laid in that spot for the past few hours.

She let out a long, drawn-out sigh as she watched the fish swim about inside the tank. _Stupid fish, no care in the fucking world, just swimming around all ignorant to the world and its problems. Well, except when Luffy sticks his hand in there, then y'all are screwed. And delicious._

Kade chewed on her lip absently while she thought about making some lightly fried fish filets before snapping back to reality. She knew in the back of her mind what needed to be done. Quite frankly, the longer she put it off, the more difficult it would become. It was just a matter of ripping off the band-aid, so to speak.

Well, fuck.

At once she flung back the fleece blanket and sat up, cursing under her breath. The time to act was now...before she decided it was a stupid, stupid idea and changed her mind.

Pulling on the thin sweater that Nami had lent her, Kade softly padded out of the room and made her way outside toward the lower deck. Jess had not returned to the aquarium bar that night, so Kade didn't have to worry about waking her. In fact, she hadn't seen Jess at all since the fiasco at dinner, and she could only assume that her best friend was still with Sanji. Kade wasn't entirely sure how much fun a severely anemic man could really be, but hell, this _was_ Sanji. Jess had been carrying a torch for the guy for nearly as long as Kade had known her. There was no use in even questioning it. Sanji could have been in a damned vegetative state and Jess would have still insisted on remaining at his side in constant vigil.

There was a chill in the night air, and she pulled the sweater more closely around her, crossing her arms in an attempt to preserve precious body heat. It was like 70 degrees, probably, but Kade could always find a way to be fucking cold no matter what the temperature was.

The atmosphere was eerily silent at this time of night. Most of the crew had gone to bed by now, save for Luffy, who was currently on watch up in the crow's nest. She was sort of amazed that he even had the attention span for such a task. Maybe he was asleep up there after all.

It didn't really matter, because there was still someone else aboard the Sunny who remained awake despite the midnight hours. As Kade approached the large mast, she found him exactly where she'd expected him to be. He was sitting there with his long sword resting against his shoulder, head tilted down as if he were asleep. She idly wondered if he ever even slept at all. Being aboard the Sunny, surrounded by a strange crew and in the midst of a high-stakes mission, she highly doubted it.

Carefully she drew closer, quietly taking a seat beside him and pulling one knee up to her chest. She said nothing, waiting to see if he'd acknowledge her, spending that extra time trying to prepare a plan of action in her mind. Her heart was fucking pounding, to be honest. If this interaction went badly, then, well...goodbye Kade!

The moment stretched on, and Kade was starting to wonder if he actually _had_ fallen asleep sitting up. She was about to open her mouth and say something, or nudge him awake (in a way that did not result in getting her ass shambled and then cut into pieces), when he grunted softly.

"Late night doctor visit for some sleeping pills?" Law shifted his weight, carefully moving his nodachi so that it rested on the shoulder furthest from Kade.

Although he didn't let it show in his tone, he was honestly a little surprised that she had sought him out. How curious, considering she'd spent the entire evening avoiding him like the plague. He tilted his head upward, catching sight of the millions of stars scattering the night sky in every direction. It was a clear, serene night. He could plainly see Luffy up in the Crow's Nest keeping watch and doing...some kind of ridiculous dance. Law had noticed that the Strawhat Captain seemed to sleep almost as little as he did. Sometimes he had to wonder what the hell it was that Luffy ran on, although the obvious answer seemed to be 'stupidity.'

Kade chuckled after a short pause. "No, no... I mean, I couldn't sleep at all. But pills can't solve everything." She fell silent again for a long moment, letting her eyes drift upward and following Law's gaze. ' _Luffy would probably stop him if he tried to kill you,'_ her mind helpfully suggested. ' _No, shut the fuck up, brain, nobody asked for your opinion.'_ Finally she let out a small cough and continued, "Truthfully, I came out here to talk."

"Thought about what I said, did you?" He grunted, still not bothering to look at her.

"I _did_ think about what you said, there is that. And also, Jess clearly cannot be trusted to be subtle." She gave a half-hearted, dry laugh. "Look, do you know how exhausting it is to keep trying to lie to you? I know you're smart enough to see through it, and I'm not dumb enough to think I could get anything past you either. The whole incident at dinner made me realize that it'd be better to get this sorted out now, rather than later on when you all think we're a couple of serial killers."

Law arched one eyebrow, tilting his head to peer down at her. "Serial killers? If you're trying to bolster my confidence in you, you're failing."

Kade groaned. "I was just-fuck, never mind, that's not the point." She waved a hand dismissively. "Look, here it is: you're right. Jess and I _aren't_ your run-of-the-mill, ordinary castaways. But the truth is...well, the truth is a hell of a lot crazier than the lies I've been telling to cover our asses," she said, choosing her words very carefully. "You so sure you want to know?"

Law slowly let out a breath. _Of course._ He'd been prepared to hear something like that. "I don't care how crazy you think it is," he said simply.

Kade held back a grimace. ' _Oh, you're definitely going to care once I tell you, because man, you have no_ idea _how crazy this truth can get. I just hope he doesn't think_ I'm _crazy...'_ She looked up at him, steeling herself for what was sure to be a challenging discussion.

"Let's hear it," Law continued, now actually giving her his full attention. Shadowed eyes locked onto her own, practically daring her to back down. _This_ should be interesting. "No half truths, no omissions."

"That's the idea."

He stared at her for a moment longer before leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "Your friend, Jess-ya, acts strangely. And clearly she knows about us...about _me..._ more than she ought to, like I said earlier, even for someone who is as big a fan as you say. But _you_ know the same things, don't you?"

Shit, he was cutting right to the chase, wasn't he? Kade bit down on the inside of her cheek, wondering just how in the hell she was supposed to even _start_ with this. Even after having gone over it in her mind several times before coming out here, she still had no clue what to lead with. Every clever line or eloquent explanation she'd thought up earlier had immediately flown out of her head the moment those steely grey eyes met hers. Fucking Law.

She nodded slowly. "Yeah. I do. I know things that have already happened, and...things that haven't happened yet." Kade ran a clammy hand through her hair, shaking her head slightly. "How to break it to you...? Well...let's start with the fact that Jess and I, we're...well, not exactly from around here," she said, speaking clearly and very deliberately. "In fact...you might say that we aren't even from this _world."_

Law's brow knit together, his eyes narrowing. Scrutinizing her. "What do you mean 'this world?' You didn't just drop from the sky...or is that what you're actually trying to say?"

"No..." She wondered if he was thinking of Skypiea. Hell, maybe _that_ would've been a better lie to go with right from the start.

Confused as hell, Law mulled something over in his mind. "Things that haven't happened yet...what _are_ you saying?" He leaned toward her, cocking his head slightly in a way that Kade would've thought looked sexy as hell if it weren't for the very real possibility of her ending up with feet for hands if he didn't like what she had to say.

Kade drew in a silent breath. "I mean exactly what I just said. We're not from this world. We're from another," she repeated as she stared back at him, hoping that her eyes conveyed the sincerity and somberness of the situation that she really needed him to _somehow_ understand.

When he continued to look at her as if she'd suddenly grown about three more heads, she continued, "Trust me, I know how fucking crazy it sounds. There's really no other way I can say it to make it sound less crazy. But..." She reached into one of the sweater pockets, pulling out her smart phone. "You were wondering where I'd gotten this kind of technology. Who am I to have something like this? Right? But where I come from, pretty much everybody has one." When he didn't immediately respond, she continued, flipping through the image gallery on the device of pictures she'd taken of various things and places she had been. "Any of this look familiar to you? There's my car. That's a plane. There's one from _inside_ a plane. Here's...oh, ignore this one." She hurriedly swiped past a bunch of stupid selfies before finding some more relevant pictures. Colorado mountain ranges. More automobiles. A helicopter. "See?"

Cars? Planes? What the hell?! Law had never heard of anything like them. He'd surely seen his fair share of advanced technology; his submarine, for instance, and of course the Sunny Go was pretty magnificent for a ship in itself. But this... Even the way that things looked in the pictures was different. He couldn't quite place it, but there was something about the hues and the textures of the scenery she was showing him that struck him as wholly unfamiliar.

Another _world,_ though?

No... He wasn't ready to believe something like that was even possible. It could all be some sort of elaborate scheme, after all.

Law decided to let that hang for a while. He put a hand to his chin in thought. "That doesn't explain how you know who we all are."

"Yeah, I know. I'm getting to that part, because if you thought that me asking you to believe in another world was like asking you to take a big fucking leap of faith, then _this..."_ Kade nearly laughed out loud at the sheer absurdity of the whole thing. If someone had tried to tell her what she was about to try and convince Law of, she would have had that person hauled off to the loony bin post haste.

She cleared her throat and began anew. "Okay. Well...we know about all of you, and about this place, because...ah, because...back home, all of this was just...a story. Made up. Something that people read about." She was watching his expression very carefully, though he'd just been frowning all along and it was hard as ever to read him.

As his silence stretched on, her anxiety suddenly skyrocketed. Shit, how badly had she just messed up? How could she have thought for even a _second_ that telling him the truth would be helpful? Fuck, fuck, she was about to be shambled. He was going to replace her feet with bowling balls. Her hands were going to be traded for bricks. Goodbye, hands.

Law's frown deepened and he surprised her by leaning over, closer to her level so that she could see that this was not a fucking game to him. "With more evidence, I _might_ have been willing to believe that you're from another world...as outrageous as it sounds...but I made myself very clear earlier. No more lies. How am I supposed to trust you if you think I'm stupid enough to believe in such obvious bullshit?"

His features twisted into a disgusted sneer. As if his life and his story was something that could simply be _made up_ and treated as some sort of light reading on a weekend. Did she have any idea how insulting such a notion was?

Kade grimaced. "Yeah, I thought you'd say that. I would've thought the same thing. Look, this is the first I've ever been exposed to this kind of thing. I don't know how it works," she rambled on, trying to help make more sense of her situation. "Maybe in some other place, my world is just something other people believe is fictional, too. Maybe people read about Jess and I just like we've read about you guys. I mean, our lives are pretty boring in comparison, but who knows? All _I_ know is that three days ago I was sitting at home and reading about _this world_ in a weekly manga, and now I am literally _walking around in it."_

Law sat back and said nothing. He studied her face for so long that Kade began to feel uncomfortable.

"Regardless of whether that's actually true or not, _you_ obviously believe in this story of yours," he finally concluded. "You must have hit your head much harder than I initially thought."

Kade shook her head and found herself on her feet a second later. "No, no, listen...I _know_ it sounds absolutely fucking ridiculous. I know that. But honestly, if I were going to lie to you, don't you think I'd pick something a hell of a lot more believable? I could've just told you that I had a devil fruit. Or that I was working for the government. You'd have bought that, right? Because that's what you've been wondering all this time, isn't it?"

She wasn't wrong, he thought idly as his mind raced to try and make some semblance of sense out of all this lunacy. He thought for sure she was trying to trick him, to trap him somehow, although the motive was unclear. Could she be working for the government? For Doflamingo?

"Actually," Kade said, breaking the stifling awkward silence that had settled around them, "maybe I _do_ have some more proof for you." She reached for her phone again, navigating through her image gallery to some older folders that she hardly used anymore. When she found what she was looking for, she immediately turned the screen toward him. "Look. There's you on Saboady Archipelago. You beating Vergo on Punk Hazard. Luffy punching a World Noble. Zoro taking all of Luffy's pain and damage from Kuma on Thriller Bark. And..." She swallowed audibly, having not expected the next one to come up. "Ace's fight with Blackbeard on Banaro Island..."

Law's eyes had gone wide and he reached to grab the phone from her hand, staring down at the screen. "No...h-how?"

They were pictures...no, they were _drawings!_ Of _him,_ and the things that he'd done... How was this happening? Could she have a devil fruit after all? His hand shook slightly as he mimicked the motions she had made with her fingers, cycling through more and more of the pictures until he came across a particularly haunting visual; one of himself, with Doflamingo looming menacingly behind him, wearing that cocky smirk that Law knew all too well...those hands lifted in his signature puppet-master pose...

Law dropped the phone immediately and Kade just barely managed to catch it before it hit the deck. He drew back, hunching over for a moment with his head in his hands, mind reeling. What the fuck was going on here?!

Kade watched him carefully, studying his reaction. "I know it's a shock," she said quietly. "I didn't want to believe it at first, either. That's...the reason that Jess kissed Sanji like that. Because she didn't think it was real. Just some dream. And for a while, I thought that, too."

She swallowed, eyeing him while he massaged his temples as if he were trying to decide what to do about this. "But I'm sure you're not convinced with just that, right? Well...those things that have happened and _not_ happened...?" She lowered her voice further, lest someone else hear what she was about to say. "I know things you haven't told anyone about. Your grudge against Doflamingo over what happened thirteen years ago with his brother." Kade paused for the smallest of moments before she dropped the next bomb. "Yeah, I know about Corazon."

Law uttered a choking sound from the back of his throat as his eyes snapped up to hers once more, momentarily frozen in shock. Emotion bled through his hardened gaze in spite of his best efforts to hold it back.

 _Corazon._

There was no way that she could have known about Corazon. Not even Doflamingo would have revealed something like that to her, had she ever been working for him. That wasn't his style. If Joker had his way, he'd surely let Cora-san's memory become lost forever amid the passage of time.

As of that moment, not one person on the Strawhat crew was aware of Law's true motivation for taking them to Dressrosa. Not even his own crew knew that. All of these pieces had been so carefully played thus far...everything was in place, ready for his ultimate plan to unfold. But this woman...both of these women and the things that they knew...

Damn, they could ruin everything he had worked so hard to achieve.

"Shit," he muttered under his breath. "Shit..."

Kade had honestly been hoping for more of a response than that. She really wasn't sure what that even meant. "I guess that was a little extreme, but...I had to find something to convince you-well, hopefully to convince you, anyway. I don't plan on saying a word about it to anyone else, just so you know. I mean, I could've told the entire crew and I didn't. So I won't-"

Law reached out quickly to grab one of her wrists before Kade could even think to react. He pulled her closer. "What happens?"

Kade blinked in surprise. "What...?"

"If you know what happens, you have to tell me..." He gritted his teeth together, his hand trembling around her wrist, and when he spoke again his voice was thick with emotion that he couldn't seem to hide. "Do I kill Doflamingo? Do I avenge Corazon...?" He trailed off, hating how weak he must look at that moment in front of her, this outsider, this _stranger_. His eyes bored into hers and he gripped her wrist a bit tighter than he probably meant to. The word came out in a near-whisper. "Please..."

Taken aback, Kade was momentarily stunned into silence. She was surprised by the intensity in his eyes and his voice, so much so that she hardly noticed the pressure around her wrist that was sure to leave a bruise. She'd never seen him like this before, and damn it, she _wanted_ to tell him...that would even probably score her a couple of points with him... Still, she and Jess hadn't actually read that far into the manga yet. Unfortunately, those were questions that she didn't know the answers to. And more importantly, neither should _he._ She'd seen enough time travel movies to know better than to change the course of events!

"Law, I..." She began, feeling her throat go dry at the near-desperate look in his eyes. "I can't tell you that. Whatever I say could potentially alter the course of events to come." She shrugged in a helpless manner. "I don't have all the answers. Maybe things have already changed just by us being here...for better or worse, I don't know." Her brow furrowed, wishing that there was something she could say to take that look off his face. "All I can really tell you is that whatever is going to happen, it's...what's _supposed_ to happen."

He finally released his hold on her, breaking eye contact and slumping back against the mast. The thick bill of his hat concealed most of his face and a long stretch of silence passed before he heaved a long, heavy sigh.

"Fine."

She was probably right not to tell him, he surmised somewhat bitterly. He thought perhaps she was being truthful and really didn't know much more than she claimed to. Hell, he still didn't quite know what to think. It was all still sinking in. It was unnerving that some stranger knew this much about his life. He'd been keeping this secret for so long that he almost didn't realize that the next emotion he felt was relief. Relief, as crazy as it sounded, that someone else knew and possibly understood his situation without him ever having to speak a word about it.

Perhaps in her world, their lives really _were_ some story on the shelf of a library, while in this world it was the other way around. It was hard to wrap his mind around. Crazy. Ridiculous to even think about. But after all that she had shown him and all that she'd said, it was starting to become the only explanation that made sense.

Could _he_ be the crazy one?

Law remained silent for many long minutes. Hell, maybe even an hour had gone by. But the only movement Kade had made during that time was to slowly sink back down to her seat beside him. Only the sounds of their breathing could be heard, along with the far-off call of early morning birds and the peaceful lapping of ocean waves.

He finally grunted, "I guess that answers my initial question."

Kade responded with a somewhat awkward laugh. "Well, there's one thing that's gone right today, then." She tilted her head up, watching as the night was slowly giving way to morning light. "I had really wanted Jess and I to keep a low profile, but of course you can't control what other people do. Oh, well...I actually feel kind of relieved that you know now. At least someone does. And if I could convince you, of all people, then convincing the Strawhats should be a fucking breeze. Although I could probably just tell Luffy that it's a mystery and he'd accept it, no questions asked," she added with a roll of her eyes.

"You're right, he would," Law concurred. "Mugiwara-ya's an idiot. But he _is_ strong, and a worthy ally."

Kade nodded. "Yeah, he is. The erm, story...it revolves mostly around him. For the record, I actually don't know nearly as much about you as I do about him and the other Strawhats."

Law was rather pleased to find that he had still managed to keep some mystery after all. "I should've known," he remarked. "He's exactly the type to have a book written about him. The brave and reckless idiot with the big dream." He snorted softly. "It's not every day you get told you're living in a story."

"Well, I wouldn't think of it as living in a story. I mean, clearly you're as real as I am." Kade shrugged. "Maybe it's just the universe's way of putting everything together? Who even knows. I never believed in anything like interdimensional travel, but evidently that's exactly what happened to me."

"So...your friend, then." He shook his head slightly. "No wonder. I guess it might come as a relief to the others that her affection is real," he said, shaking his head in slight disgust.

Kade barely managed to suppress laughter. "Ha, well, 'affection' is putting it mildly. She's actually had an enormous crush on Sanji for probably almost ten years, which is why she acts so familiar with him. And Sanji being, well, _Sanji,_ he just doesn't even question it. Probably chalks it up to fate or destiny or some kind of crap like that."

Law raised an eyebrow. "Ten years...?" He shook his head again, incredulous, but decided to drop that subject for now in favor of another pressing question. "You've explained where you come from, but I still haven't heard you mention how you got here. If there is such a thing as interdimensional travel, then there must be others like you."

Kade nodded slowly, chewing on her lip again. He had a point. She and Jess couldn't possibly have been the first...maybe there was much more to their boring home world than they had ever imagined. Things that had been covered up. She'd never been one for conspiracy theories, but right about now she was getting some major X-Files vibes.

"I actually _was_ being honest when I told you I don't know how we got here," she said. "The last thing I remember was that Jess and I were driving in my car, and then...then we were just suddenly drowning in the ocean. It makes no sense. Something had to have happened in between, but whatever it was, neither of us can remember it." She sighed, rubbing at the side of her face. "Which means we also have no idea how to get _back_ home, either..."

"It raises a lot more questions than answers... But being that you know so much about this world, I would think that it must be some place you actually like, at least."

Law was almost tempted to wonder which person Kade liked here. Everyone had a favorite character in almost any story they read, after all. Her friend wasn't subtle about her choice in the least. Perhaps Kade's favorite was Zoro? Not that he cared about it at all. Stupid curiosities.

Kade found herself smiling at that. "Yeah, I _do_ like this place quite a bit. I know you guys have your own problems, but the idea of piracy and freedom is something really appealing to a lot of people."

He snorted. "It's not going to be fun and games. There's going to be danger where we're headed. From what you've said already, you're well aware of that. People will get hurt."

Kade pursed her lips, knowing full well what was about to go down. Well, most of it, anyway. She never had gotten to see the rest of the arc, damn it. "Yeah. People _will_ get hurt," she agreed. _'You most of all,'_ she thought to herself. "I know that. But I know this crew, even if they don't know me. And I know I'd throw my lot in with them any day, without a second thought. I feel like you've been a little iffy about this whole alliance thing, but I think you'll find it was the smartest thing you could've done." She smirked slightly at that.

Law's lips twitched and he couldn't help but wonder if that was a hint of things to come. Things that were good, at least. It was reassuring in a way, regardless of how vague she was being. She _did_ know something, though she'd already decided that she wasn't going to tell him. He had to agree; if there was any possibility that knowing a crucial piece of information was the one thing that ultimately destroyed all hope of his plan succeeding, then he couldn't very well take that chance.

"That's an awful lot of confidence to have in them," he said after a long moment. "So speaking of things to come...can you fight?"

Kade felt herself wilt at that question. Man, how much would she have _loved_ to say yes to that? Unfortunately her parents could never afford karate lessons and the most experience she had in battle came from fighting off three siblings over a box of Lucky Charms. Hey, that shit wasn't easy!

She laughed. "Well, I know how to throw a punch, but that's about it. I guess there isn't much call for fighting back home. People mostly learn that stuff as a hobby. In a lot of places, law enforcement is so strict that there's really no need for it."

"There's need for it here. Work more with Zoro-ya. You don't want to make yourself an easy target."

Kade nodded. "I'm sure Zoro probably would have a few ideas. Then again, he's the guy who tried to cut his own feet off rather than figure out a strategy for getting out of a wax trap, so...ideas aren't exactly his friend."

Still, she thought perhaps she could get Usopp to teach her a thing or two about marksmanship. She'd always wanted to learn how to shoot a bow. And being useless in a fight was the very _last_ thing that she wanted.

She yawned, noting the pinks and oranges beginning to streak the sky. "Well, I'm going to go try and sleep some. Maybe you should, too," she added, noting that the shadows under his eyes appeared quite a bit darker than usual.

Law snorted softly. "Maybe."

Kade broke eye contact and stood. "Um, anyway...thanks. For believing my story, as crazy as it sounded. And also for not attaching my head to my ass when I mentioned the part about your world being fictional in mine."

"It seems we were able to come to an understanding of sorts after all. But your friend...how will I know she's not going to run her mouth? About..." He gestured to the empty air, not really wanting to get into the discussion again.

"She wouldn't do that," Kade was quick to assure him. "She knows as well as I do how important it is to you. She can't contain herself around the Strawhats, but that's only because she's so excited to meet them after reading about their adventures for so long. But your situation is different. Trust me, it'll be fine."

Law felt like the word 'trust' was a bit much right now, but he nodded slowly. "You know her best, I guess. She...was awfully considerate of me. The both of you seem to think that I'm an alright guy, for some reason."

Kade smiled at that remark. "You are. You're a good man, Law. But don't worry, I won't spread that around," she added with a wink. She playfully socked him on the shoulder with her good arm and then turned to head back inside.

Law watched her retreating form until she'd disappeared inside, absently rubbing his shoulder.

She'd certainly given him a _hell_ of a lot to think about.


	9. Everything Is Great

**Chapter 9: Everything Is Great**

 _"_ _You like it? That'll be 10,000 beli." –Nami._

* * *

Kade had hoped to sleep in that morning, as she'd ended up staying awake until the ass-crack of dawn trying to convince Law that she and Jess were travelers of the interdimensional sort. Pirates did whatever the hell they wanted, didn't they? There was no reason to think that someone would come barging in at some ridiculous hour in the morning and force her awake.

Except these guys were the Strawhat pirates, and why the hell did she ever dare to hope she could sleep through any of their shenanigans?

So naturally Kade was startled awake by the sounds of Luffy and Usopp screeching about something just outside the aquarium bar. She blinked, looking around in the dimly lit room before recognition dawned on her. She sighed and sat up, rubbing at her eyes. Jess was nowhere to be seen, though that hardly came as a surprise. Kade surmised that she was probably still sitting with Sanji as she'd been doing all of last night.

Pushing the blanket off her legs, Kade stood up and paused a moment to stretch her limbs. Next she shuffled her way up to the bathroom to shower and change. Luckily the room was not occupied; she guessed that Nami and Robin had already finished getting ready for the day, and she was well aware that the men here only bothered to bathe on a weekly or bi-weekly basis.

Once she'd washed up and dried off, she pulled on a set of clean clothes; some strappy tank of Nami's (damn, she really needed to get some of her own clothes, although Nami seemed to have an endless array of articles to choose from and Kade figured she wasn't missing any of it) and a pair of dark denim shorts with frayed edges. Being completely honest, Kade wasn't exactly hating on Nami's closet. The navigator surely had an allergy to clothing, but she also had a keen sense of style.

Kade finished up in the bathroom, throwing her hair up in a damp, messy bun before heading back downstairs. She figured she ought to find Jess and catch her up on what had happened the night before. Her annoyance at having been left to cover their tracks quickly resurfaced, and even though she was ultimately relieved that Law now knew the truth, she still felt chagrined over the whole thing. So much for 'sistas before mistas.'

Opening the door to the infirmary, Kade found the two of them exactly as she'd expected; fast asleep, hands entwined, Jess still sitting in the chair pulled up to Sanji's bed.

She rolled her eyes. "That looks incredibly uncomfortable… Okay, rise and shine!" She clapped loudly, startling the other girl awake.

"Nnngh…" The lump that was Jess moved ever so slightly and her eyes blinked open. She should've known the dream she was just having was too good to be true. She wanted to cry. To have Sanji in her dreams and then lose him upon waking happened far too often and each time just as painful as the last. But then her fuzzy vision cleared as she sat back feeling a terrible crick in her neck, and noticed the blond head of hair sleeping peacefully beside her.

She gasped at his proximity as her gaze traveled down to where their hands were still intertwined on the bed. She could feel the calluses on his hands from holding knives and doing handstands while fighting, and she smiled like an utter dope. His chest rose and fell normally and his lips were parted ever so slightly…she bit her lip, thinking maybe if she kissed him while he was sleeping he wouldn't pass out.

Jess decided to opt instead for a kiss on his forehead. It was so sickeningly sweet. She sighed and squeezed his hand slightly, and she would have continued to admire her sleeping prince if Kade hadn't cleared her throat loudly just then.

The curly-haired girl nearly jumped a mile out of her seat, whipping her head around toward the noise and then wishing she hadn't as the crick from sleeping weird came back in full force. "OW…um…"

Kade had the most annoyed look on her face, arms crossed over her chest.

"Er…" Jess looked thoroughly abashed, "Good morning?"

"Oh, is it? Look, I really need to talk to you. Alone."

Jess nodded and carefully extracted her hand from Sanji's, instantly feeling sad that she'd done so. She was such a sap. She glanced over at his sleeping form again before walking over to Kade. "Alright, let's go back to our 'room' then."

Kade and Jess made their way back to the aquarium bar. They managed not to run into any of the other Strawhats on the way, which Kade was thankful for.

Jess on the other hand was still only thinking about Sanji. She'd read that he usually got up at 5:00 am to start making breakfast, but she guessed that since his body was still rebuilding his blood supply, that must be why he was still sleeping. She suddenly came back to Earth (or whatever the hell planet they were on...Oda never actually specified that, had he?) when she noticed that Kade had stopped and was giving her a 'look.'

Jess rubbed the back of her neck again nervously. "Is everything alright?"

"NO, everything is NOT alright!" Kade suddenly snapped back, frustration welling up in her eyes. "You just skipped off last night with Sanji and left ME to try and make up some kind of excuse for why the fuck you know so much about everyone! Which NOBODY bought, by the way! I spent the rest of the evening being fucking interrogated by Law as if I were some kind of evil spy sent to destroy all his dreams and kick his polar bear!" Her voice rose slightly in volume, her arms waving about in exasperation. "And I can't believe you did ALL THAT SHIT after all the times I tried to warn you to keep a low profile! We're just goddamn lucky it didn't backfire HORRIBLY! You're not even taking it seriously at all, are you? So yeah, I'm pissed!"

Jess's jaw had dropped open during Kade's outburst and her mouth continued to hang open while she waited for the tongue-lashing to end. She began to look more and more ashamed of herself as the moment stretched on, her expression akin to that of a whipped dog by the time Kade paused for a breath.

"I'm sorry," she said earnestly. "I honestly didn't even think about that. I...was...I wasn't thinking with my head at all." Jess looked as if she were close to tears at that point.

Kade scoffed, although she saw the look in her best friend's eyes and knew she had almost gone too far. She sighed, and the next time she spoke her voice had lost its serrated edge. "Yeah, well... More importantly, I ended up having to tell Law everything. _That_ was a fun conversation."

"You...you told him?" Jess's eyes went wide in surprise. "Oh my God...what did he say?" Jess couldn't help but think that despite everything, Kade had at least gotten the chance to spend the entire evening with Law. What the fuck was she bitching about? That man was fine as hell!

"Ah, well...he understandably thought that I was batshit insane and that I was trying to spoon-feed him a big helping of Grade A bullshit once I got to the part about how One Piece is just a story in our world." She reached up to massage her temples. "Shit, I thought for a minute there I'd end up in pieces on the floor. I had to bring up Corazon to get him to believe me."

Jess sucked in her breath in shock. "You…you mentioned Corazon?! Jesus…how did it take it after that? And…does this mean we're going to need to come clean to the others?"

"Yeah…he…he wanted to know what was going to happen. I've never seen him look like that. I told him I didn't have all the answers, and even if I did… I don't think it'd be a good idea to tell him his future, you know? Or any of them. Whatever is going to happen is what's supposed to happen and we shouldn't fuck with that."

Kade ran a hand through her hair, sighing deeply as the look on Law's face when he'd asked about what happened flashed through her mind once more. There had been such pain and vulnerability there, in that single instant. She felt her heart clench in sympathy at all he'd gone through.

"I don't know about the others," She finally said, "I didn't feel the need to tell them so far… Law was the only one breathing down my neck about it so I ended up telling him because it was easier than trying to keep lying to him. He would've decided we were enemies and that would've ended up with pieces of us everywhere…" She grimaced at the thought.

Jess nodded in agreement. "He's a smart guy, that one. Man, I'm really sorry homie, but I can't help but think I'd rather spare Sanji being manipulated by that woman…" She trailed off muttering about the ridiculous size of a certain woman's breasts. This certain woman being one who danced and wore a polka-dotted dress.

Suddenly, Jess remembered something happy that had come up recently and her face flushed a bright crimson. "Ah, um...by the way, I asked him out on a proper date...and not surprisingly, he said yes…" She let out a rather high pitched giggle after that earning an eye roll from Kade. "But you know…I'm really glad we're not on Law's bad side…that was brave of you to tell him AND convince him. Amazing! So…since we're really going to see this thing through, we might need to start seriously hitting the gym…"

"Well, I already did that, and quite literally…" Kade gestured to her bandaged arm. "As long as I don't aggravate the wound much I should still be able to exercise, maybe do core and leg exercises, cardio, stuff like that. If we're ever going to make it here in this world, we have to learn how to fight.

"Maybe you should ask Law to help you since you guys are such pals now." Jess grinned and nudged Kade's good arm. "Zoro's workout…ehhh nice to watch but I don't think I could handle it!"

"Actually I was thinking about asking Usopp to teach me a few things about marksmanship. I always wanted to learn how to shoot a bow…I could be the Green Arrow of One Piece!"

"Fuck yeah!" Jess agreed, because Green Arrow was indeed a badass and bows were awesome " I wonder what I could do. I'm not exactly the most coordinated person…I did fuck around with nunchaku for awhile, but if I had to pick something _not_ a devil fruit, I think I'd go for those awesome moves that CP9 have…but I think that has something to do with haki and pretttyyy sure I can't use haki."

"Theoretically everyone can, but I imagine it would take a lot of work. Whatever it is you decide on, I wouldn't recommend asking Sanji to train you. You'll never learn a thing from him if you know what I mean." Kade stifled a laugh.

Jess twisted one of her fingers through her curls in embarrassment as she blushed. "Yeah…I know… I…want to kiss him again!" She nearly became lost in a fantasy when she saw the extremely sexy head of Trafalgar Law pass by the window of their room. "Hey! There goes Hottie McHot…I mean, _Law_."

Kade's eyebrows shot up and she immediately craned her head to catch a glimpse of that spotted hat he always wore as it casually bobbed out of sight.

"Yeah...there he goes," she murmured, a smile tugging at her lips as she continued to stare into space. A moment later she managed to snap herself out of the daze. "Well, anyway, I'm going to get something to eat. But I want you to promise me that you're going to be more careful," she said, adopting a more serious tone. "Seriously, I know most of the Strawhats can be fucking retards but some of them in particular are incredibly perceptive. Robin never said anything, but I'm pretty sure she's onto us, too."

Jess sighed, throwing her hands up. "Alright, alright. Fair enough. I'm sorry again..."

"Luckily most of them just seem to think you're some crazed fan," Kade continued, snorting at the fact that this wasn't actually _false_. "I guess that's not the worst thing that they could be thinking, though."

"Hey, I _am_ a crazed fan," Jess remarked, fully willing to admit how much of a fucking nerd she was. "But I guess I underestimated my willpower. Hey, I'll come with you," she said as Kade began to make her way toward the door. "I'm starving and I need coffee." She paused as they walked out the door, a smirk on her lips as she teased, "Unless you just want to go stalk Law and be alone with him."

Kade groaned, "Dude, I want him to like me, not think I'm a fucking creep!"

Jess giggled, following Kade across the main deck toward the kitchen and trying to keep her voice down. "Yeah, but you also want to look at him, I can tell. I mean, how much time did you spend doing that back in OUR WORLD? Hmmm?"

"Gah!" Kade's face grew hot just then, reminded of just how much of a fucking hopeless fangirl she actually was. Screencap after screencap had been saved on her computer's hard drive anytime Law appeared in an episode of One Piece. _'I need these as references for my art'_ she always insisted, even though she never fucking ended up using any of them. For art, indeed. Kade would end up just sitting at the computer and flipping through her library of Law pictures, a stupid look on her face as she wished it were possible to hop dimensions and have cool, sexy adventures in the One Piece world.

Somehow she'd never considered that things could go quite like _this._

She cleared her throat and changed the subject. "By the way, congrats on your date. Not that _Sanji_ was super hard to get a date with in the first place, but, you know. A win is a win all the same," she mumbled under her breath.

Jess blushed and rubbed the back of her head. "I…asked him if there was anyone else in his life…heart…whatever, you know, another woman." She shifted her eyes to the side, thinking about the red-haired woman on the crew whom she really admired…though she also knew Sanji admired her in a different way.

Sighing, Jess continued, "I know he's like head over heels for Nami, but he said he'd be faithful to me. I mean—! It's not like we're getting married or anything, but you know!"

Nearby, Nami heard the sound of their chatter and looked up to notice the duo as they walked toward the kitchen, noting that Jess appeared quite embarrassed for whatever reason. She decided to approach them, swooping in just before they could enter the kitchen door.

"There you are!" She exclaimed, casually leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed and effectively blocking them from entering. "I was wondering what happened to you last night, Jess. You just left with Chopper and never came back…"

Jess jumped slightly at Nami's sudden proximity. "OH! Hey Nami…yeah, sorry. I kind of…fell asleep at Sanji's bedside…" She trailed off, her voice getting more and more quiet. "He wanted me to tell him about myself, so I mean…I…"

The curly-haired woman's face kept reddening the more she babbled on, and Nami gave her a mistrustful look as she placed a hand on her hip.

"That's all well and good, you know, and I _want_ to believe you're a good person," the navigator began, still wary of their intentions even though Luffy seemed to trust them blindly, "but…I'm warning you now: do _not_ screw over Sanji-kun. Just don't. You'll regret it. I'm not really sure what the two of you want, but if you even think about hurting anyone on this crew…" she trailed off ominously, letting the two of them fill in the blanks on their own. "Sanji-kun is a gullible idiot when it comes to anything female, and no one has ever shown a genuine interest in him…which makes me even more suspicious!"

Jess stood there in partial shock, taking it all in. Here she was, getting lectured by Nami of all people! She didn't know whether to fangirl or start crying.

Kade, on the other hand, looked uncomfortable as she sat beside her best friend, wishing she was staring at the gloriousness of Law's tight ass rather than be here listening to this; for fuck's sake, _she_ wasn't the one acting like a mooning schoolgirl over one of the Strawhats! Why the hell did she have to be included in this conversation? Still, Jess _was_ her bestie, no matter how embarrassingly mushy she got over her curly-browed dream guy. They were homies for life. Partners in crime. They even had friendship bracelets and everything. So naturally Kade felt obliged to defend her.

"Trust me, Nami, I know how it looks," she said, interrupting Nami's scrutinizing, squinty-eyed stare. "And we were just discussing how Jess will work on trying to be less weird around all of you, _weren't we_ , Jess?"

Jess nodded quickly, not missing the look in Kade's eyes that plainly said, 'I can't believe I got dragged into this mess with you.'

Kade continued, "Look, I get that it's kind of a bizarre situation, but she's honestly harmless. I mean, she cries over PSAs about animal abuse; she'd never hurt _anyone_. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry if we've caused any trouble for you and the crew."

Jess nodded again, this time more vigorously. "Nami, I'm sorry too. I really am. And I want you to know that I admire you a lot! I promise you on everything I hold sacred that I would never dream of hurting Sanji. I, uh…know you might find this hard to believe, but…I genuinely _do_ like him…" Her face heated up again and she avoided eye contact in embarrassment. It was one thing fangirling over Sanji with Kade in the 'real world' and gushing about how much she adored him, but admitting it to Nami in the actual world of One Piece?! Shit got real.

The navigator narrowed her eyes at Jess for a moment before dropping her arms to her sides and sighing. She knew she'd been going in circles with this ever since the two had arrived, but she just couldn't let it go. She had a nagging voice in the back of her mind that these newcomers weren't quite who—or _what_ —they claimed to be. Usopp had been the one who spotted the two of them flailing in the ocean, screaming for help, without a single sign of a vessel around for miles. It was a complete mystery; had they dropped from the sky? Had their ship sunk? How long had they been treading water in the middle of the ocean? They clearly weren't devil fruit users or superhuman, and a normal human being could only exist in those conditions for so long before succumbing to fatigue. And once rescued, the girls couldn't even give a proper explanation. It was as if they had just _appeared_ there.

Something just wasn't adding up.

Finally Nami sighed, relenting for the time being. "Hm…well…I guess we'll see, won't we? Now go clean yourself up, you look like hell." As if remembering just then that Jess had arrived without a spare set of clothes, she added, "Come on…I'll go see if I can find you something else to wear."

Jess's face fell a bit upon being told that she looked like a complete bum, having not realized just how wild her hair had become overnight. After a moment, she nodded. "Okay."

Patting her friend's shoulder, Kade excused herself, stepping past the two of them and opening the kitchen door. Inside, it smelled as though someone had managed to put together a decent breakfast; eggs and toast, mainly, but at least it was more than what she usually had time to grab on her way to work in the morning. About half the crew was gathered around the room, some of them busily filling their plates with breakfast items and others already working on scarfing it down.

Kade sat down heavily at the long table and slumped over until her head rested on its surface, vaguely aware of the crew's lively chatter. "How is it this early and I already have a headache?" She wondered aloud.

Just then, a piercing cry rang throughout the dining room, courtesy of the resident sniper:  
"LUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFY QUIT STEALING MY FOOD!"

Luffy's obnoxious laughter filled the air. "SHISHIHSHISHISHISHISHISHI, BUT I DIDN'T GET ENOUGH MEAT!"

Kade's voice went flat. "Oh… _that's_ how."

"AUGH, that was MY bacon!" Usopp shouted in dismay. "SO RUDE!"

The strips of pork belly disappeared into the rubber stomach of the captain as he chewed and smacked loudly. The bacon delighted Luffy so much so that he decided to jump on the table and start dancing.

Law walked in a minute later, rolling his eyes at the overly energetic Luffy. It was too damned early to be so happy, and the amount of energy the Strawhat captain possessed seemed to be matched only by his enormous appetite.

Shaking his head, the surgeon sauntered over to the kitchen counter and poured himself a cup of coffee, black, not noticing the way that Kade was discreetly checking out his ass from beneath one of her arms.

"Morning…" Law mumbled as he approached the table and sat down near her.

Kade's heart did a backflip in her chest and she sat upright, blinking back at him a moment before she replied, "Uh…morning!" Her attention was diverted only by the pieces of bacon flying around the room as Luffy and Usopp fought over them, and then suddenly she had to duck out of the way of a random cup as it flew toward her head. "Holy shit!" She exclaimed, eyes wide as the cup smashed against the wall behind her.

Just then, the kitchen door swung open and Nami's voice pierced through the cacophony of the morning chaos. "KNOCK IT OFF!" She shouted as she strode into the room and single-handedly broke up the fight between Luffy and Usopp by grabbing each of them by the ear. She must have a hell of a death grip, because both guys immediately yelped in pain and ceased their screaming. "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES," she continued to berate them, pulling their ears and eliciting a string of pained apologies from them. "Sanji-kun would be kicking you both in the head right now!"

Kade looked away from the scene, muttering under her breath, "Damn. I knew they were like this, but actually seeing it in person is, uh…something else…"

Law grunted his agreement. "You learn to ignore it," he remarked as he sipped at his coffee. It was difficult not to wonder how the fuck the Strawhats managed to get anything done sometimes. They were so disorganized, so unlike the way his own crew did things. He cleared his throat softly, speaking without looking at her. "You manage to get back to sleep after…?"

Kade nodded, her thoughts momentarily drifting to the conversation they had the night before. "Oh, yeah. I slept like the friggin' dead. Until this two-man civil war came screeching by the bar like a tornado with vocal cords, anyway," she added dryly, bitterly recalling her rude awakening. "How about you? Get any sleep?"

Law simply shrugged at that question and took another long sip from his mug.

Kade raised one eyebrow. "Is that a 'no' then?" She leaned a bit closer to peer up at his face, noting that the shadows beneath his eyes were more pronounced than ever, and she nodded conclusively. "Yeeeeaah, that's a 'no,' I can tell."

Letting out a small groan, Law rolled his eyes and turned away from her gaze. "It's none of your business," he mumbled, turning his full attention to the remnants of his coffee cup and polishing it off in one single gulp.

Kade snickered to herself as the kitchen door squeaked open once again.

Jess waltzed into the kitchen, fresh from the shower and giving everyone a cheerful salute. "Hey," she said, taking the seat beside Usopp.

The sniper glanced up at her in alarm, much like a deer in headlights. "O-oh…uh…hello!" He stammered, sounding every bit as uncomfortable as he looked.

"Hey I'm not going to bite you. I'm sorry about yesterday, I'm honestly pretty ashamed of myself. Speaking of which, how's your finger?" Jess slipped a piece of bacon from the plate she'd just filled over to Usopp.

The sniper was quite taken aback by her apology, but nothing could stop his bravado. "OH! Ah, you now it was nothing really, I'm fine!"

Nami noticed Jess being extra nice to Usopp and felt a twinge of something she couldn't identify. Was she flirting with him? No, she couldn't do that after she'd gone on and on about how she really cared about Sanji-kun. Nami shrugged and decided to chalk it up to Jess simply being a fan of the crew.

Luffy had finally quieted down, his belly absolutely stuffed with breakfast. "Hey Nami," he whined, "there's NO MORE MEAT!" This was followed by a loud belch.

Nami rolled her eyes as she sat down for some coffee. "Don't worry, we should hit landfall today in the late afternoon, then we'll be able to go shopping."

"It needs to hurry up then, I'M STARVING!" The Captain's belly was suddenly normal sized again.

Usopp and Jess laughed at this while Nami only shook her head.

Jess glanced out the window towards the deck and the open ocean that lay beyond. She still couldn't quite believe she was here with the Strawhats on the Sunny, eating breakfast with Luffy and Usopp, and there was Law sitting nearby with Kade as well. It was what they'd always dreamed about. And just a few rooms away, the man of her dreams…

She sighed rather loudly causing Usopp and Nami to give her funny looks.

"Are you okay?" Usopp inched slightly away from her, still a little scared of the newcomer.

"Oh! Sorry yeah, I'm great. In fact, everything is great."


	10. Retail Therapy

**Chapter 10: Retail Therapy**  
 _"Needs more alcohol." – Roronoa Zoro_

* * *

"YEEESSSS! ANOTHER ISLAND!" Luffy shouted from atop Sunny's head, flailing his arms so enthusiastically that he very nearly lost his footing and fell into the water below. "SHISHISHI! I smell adventure!" He proclaimed with a wide grin.

"I smell LUFFY," Usopp remarked from nearby, grimacing for effect as he waved the air in front of him. "You haven't bathed in a week!"  
"Huh?! Chopper didn't take a bath either," Luffy stated simply as he stuck a finger up his nose in disinterest.

"Oi, Mugiwara-ya." Law looked up from under his hat from where he was leaning against the mast, displeased that they were stopping at all. "I don't want to stay here long. We've got to get to our final destination as soon as possible."

"Lighten up, Trafal-guy!" Sanji slapped the former Shichibukai on the shoulder playfully. The action earned him a chilly glare that he didn't seem to notice, being wrapped up as he was in thoughts of the date he had that night with Jess…ah, how lucky! His thoughts settled upon the curly-haired woman and his eyes morphed into pink hearts when he glanced over in her direction. "Date…I have a date…mellorine!" He crooned, swaying back and forth as the surgeon frowned and took several deliberate steps away from him.

"So then," Nami said, grabbing their attention, "if we're going somewhere new, someone should volunteer to babysit Zoro..."

Upon hearing his name, the green-haired man—who'd been napping just moments before—suddenly popped into the conversation with a loud, "OI!"

Kade rubbed her sore shoulder as she surveyed the situation, and couldn't help but wonder what their presence might be doing to the story. In the manga, the Strawhats hadn't stopped at any other islands on the way to Dressrosa. They had gone after Doflamingo straight away, no distractions... What was going on here? Were she and Jess already altering the order of the events? And if so, then to what extent? Should they be worried about this?

Jess, on the other hand, was currently not concerned with that shit. Ever the fangirl (and excellent wing-woman, or so she believed), she sidled up to Law and gave him a cheeky grin. "So you got any plans, Law-kun?"

He frowned, not even looking down at her. "Don't call me that."

"Anyway," Usopp was saying after Zoro had calmed down, "I have a lot of supplies to stock up on. Especially if we're going to fight!"

"ME TOO!" Piped up Franky, "I just ran out of cola five minutes ago, SUUUUUPER sad day!" the Cyborg did look a bit lackluster and the current ridiculous hairdo he was sporting was drooping at the ends.

"Yeah, I'm totally out of tabasco sauce," Usopp added.

"Good, take Zoro with you," Nami said, giving the sniper a sidelong glance.

He immediately made a face. "What? Why me?!"

"I don't need a babysitter," the green-haired swordsman announced as he walked over to Usopp. "Maybe I'm going with Usopp because I want to, right?" He slung his bulging, muscular arm around the sniper and squeezed.

"OW!" Usopp squeaked. "Fine, I guess you can come. Whatever helps you sleep at all hours of the day." He rubbed his shoulder in protest. Usopp may have gotten a lot stronger than he used to be, but he sure as hell wasn't at Zoro's beastly level.

Nami counted out a sack of beli to Sanji to use for food supplies. "I'm going to expect my change back you know!" She gave him a stern look, knowing that if he brought Jess with him he would undoubtedly want to spoil her by buying her whatever the fuck she wanted. Honestly! Someone should be babysitting Sanji instead of Zoro.

Sanji beamed back at her as he accepted the sack. "Ah, of course, Nami-swan! I won't spend any more of your hard-earned money than absolutely necessary!"

"Good!" The orange-haired woman then approached the Kade and Jess, giving them a little bit of money each. "I know our clothes don't fit you very well, I thought maybe you could pick out a few things, I have more clothes than I know what to do with so I don't really need to go shopping at this port." But even as she said it, she got stars in her eyes thinking about picking out a few new styles that were perhaps only available at this very port and nowhere else!

Jess was touched by the gesture, given how Nami had been so wary of her thus far, and impulsively hugged the navigator. "Nami!"

Nami patted Jess's back awkwardly in return. "It's fine, it's fine..."

"Thank you," Jess said as she pulled back. Maybe Nami was finally warming up to her!

"Oh, wow, ah...thank you…" Kade felt somewhat awkward as she accepted the gift as well. She never really knew what to do when people gave her money. "I'll see what I can find. I'm sure you guys are sick of us wearing your clothes. I'll definitely pay you back, though!"

With a wave of his hand Usopp said, "Don't bother, she stole that money in the first place."

"USOPP!" Nami protested, even though he was absolutely fucking right.

"TRAFAL-GUY, TRAFAL-GUY!" Luffy's voice rang out over the deck. "Come hang out with us! Shishishi!"

"No."

Jess, ever-persistent, went back over to Law to try and coax him out as well. After all, she was trying to give her homie the hook-up. "No, no, you should come with us!"

Law gripped his sword more tightly. "I wasn't planning on going to that island. I revoked my Shichibukai title, remember? What if someone or the marines were to see me? Why do you care so much if I go?" His grump face was in full force.

"I thought you might want to relax a little bit, I mean you look so tense all the time..." Jess smiled innocently and turned her head to wink at Kade, who came extremely close to face-palming.

"JESS-SWAAAAAN!" Sanji flailed up to her. "Why are you over there with Trafal-guy? We're getting ready to go. Don't you want to come shopping with me? I'll buy you whatever you want!"

"SANJIIIIIIIIIII!" Jess answered in her fangirlish fashion, "Of course I want to come shopping with you!" She immediately latched herself onto his arm.

"HEY!" Nami yelled over her shoulder. "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE USE OF MY MONEY, SANJI-KUN!"

Law snorted. "Well, that escalated quickly."

Kade rolled her eyes. "So much for subtlety." She watched on for a moment as Jess and Sanji made absolutely disgusting mushy faces at each other, and then glanced down at the money in her hand. She thought maybe she could buy some workout clothes as well, since she was planning on becoming a badass who could hold her own in a fight and all.

She looked back at Law, who was standing just behind the group, his nodachi resting against his shoulder. "You want anything from in town? I can pick up something on the way back."

Law stared back at her for a moment before he shook his head. "No."

Kade nodded. "Okay."

Nearby, Sanji was enthusiastically assuring Nami that he would not spend all of her money on flowers and candy and pretty clothes for Jess, and yes, he was well aware of the budget they had to stick to for groceries, and of course he would never let any of them go hungry.

"Maybe you could help me pick out some new clothes?" Jess suggested, still clinging happily to the cook's arm. "Something for our date…?"

This suggestion instantly sent the blond into full-blown fantasy mode. Tiny hearts inexplicably came popping up all around him as he giggled and blushed. "I…I would be more than happy to help!" He began to picture various sexy outfits in his mind. "Ahh…something like…or maybe…mellorine!"

"Ehehe…nothing too revealing," Jess said as her own cheeks flushed pink.

Nami turned away from them and grimaced. "Ugh, they're so annoying! Usopp, I'm going with you and Zoro."

"I'm going with you, too," Kade piped up as she joined the three of them. "Honestly, I love her but I just can't listen to that back and forth nonsense all damn day."

Nami gave her a nod. "Okay, then. Err…where's Luffy?"

"He already left," Law said.

Annoyed, Nami threw up her hands. "GREAT, now I have to go do damage control!"

"He's always like that," Zoro said as he followed Nami and Usopp down the ladder. "Just leave him, he'll find his way back as usual."

Kade hung back for only a moment, casting what she hoped was a subtle look back toward Law and wishing she had a reason to ask him to come along with them. But alas, she was too fucking awkward to manage that, so instead she jogged to the rope ladder and swung her legs over the side of the ship, catching one last look at the two lovebirds before they disappeared from her sight.

Sanji had managed to stop making eyes with Jess long enough to sling his empty pack over his shoulder. "Well, Jess-swan, are you ready for our wonderful day together to begin?" He smiled foolishly at her.

"Yes, I'm ready sw-Sanji!" she agreed, having bitten her tongue so that she wouldn't call him an entirely too familiar term of endearment. Then she cleared her throat, thinking a compliment would be okay.

"Sanji...you look really handsome today..." She blushed, clutching a bit tighter to his arm.

"Ahh you're too kind! I wore this suit today especially for YOU!" Sanji crooned in response to Jess's compliment. "But you're the one who looks stunning. Compared to you, I'm the dullest star in the sky!"

"Lies!" Jess grinned up at him. "You have no idea how attractive you are, do you?" She slid her hand down until her fingers became interlaced with his. "Everyone in town is going to be so jealous of me, being seen with the most handsome man on the Grand Line!" Her eyes fairly pulsated with hearts and she realize how much of an idiot she must sound like, but at this moment she didn't care. She'd dreamed about being with Sanji for so many years now and she was going to enjoy it!

"You lovely woman, you flatter me so! How is it I became so lucky, having an earthbound angel by my side?" The cook swooned.

Without hesitation Jess answered, "I'm the lucky one."

oOo

Further inland, several hours later, Kade was still out shopping with Nami. After having found several boutiques boasting massive discounts, the navigator had assigned Usopp and Zoro to the task of tracking down their Captain so she could spend more time rifling through sale racks and trying on flimsy, ill-fitting tops.

Every now and then, Nami would hold up one of her findings and glance from the article to Kade, either nodding her approval or shaking her head. The approved garments were then tossed Kade's way, along with comments like, "This one will look so cute!" or "This is definitely your color!" In fact, the pile of clothing Nami had picked out for Kade to try on was nearly rivaling the pile that Nami had gathered for herself.

It was actually getting a little out of hand.

Presently, Kade was staring down at the rather revealing shirt that Nami had just tossed her. Normally she didn't wear such things, being a human being with a shred of modesty and all. But, hell, it was pretty damn hot out on the open seas, and pirates sure as fuck didn't judge.

So she shrugged and said, "Sure! Why the hell not." She added it to the pile in her arms, then gestured to Nami's pile of things that she'd already tried on. "Are you really getting all of that?"

Nami grinned happily. "Yep! I know I said I wouldn't, but there are so many cute things here! Ooh I like this dress, too!" She exclaimed, grabbing the mini dress and several more bras from another rack.

"I'm surprised there's any space on Sunny for all this crap," Kade muttered as she continued to watch Nami singlehandedly buy out the entire store, idly wondering how Jess and Sanji were doing with the groceries.

oOo

In the food section, Sanji and Jess were procuring amenities for the Strawhat's pantry. Sanji stopped to buy some flowers from a nearby stand and handed them to Jess.

"I would give them to you before our date, but since you're here right now, please enjoy them!"

She blushed and accepted them, leaning in to smell their aroma. "Thank you, they're lovely. Ah...do you need help carrying those provisions? I think we're going to have to make a few trips...you know...for Luffy." She gestured to the obscenely heavy looking bags Sanji had with him.

The chef hefted them both of his shoulder with ease. "No need to worry Jess-swan! That's so sweet of you to offer, but I would never make a lady carry such heaven burdens!"

Jess chuckled. "Well, I DO lift, bro. Maybe not as much as the marimo, but you know..." She looped his arm through his as she glanced at the large sacks. "Man, I knew you were strong, but seeing it in person is so...awesome..." She flushed bright red, wondering if it had been better to keep her mouth shut instead.

But luckily for Jess, Sanji was an idiot and didn't notice that she'd almost let something slip. Instead, his entire face lit up as she complimented him and he cooed back, "Awwww! You're so sweet!" He clasped his hands, a ridiculous look on his flushed face as he swayed back and forth beside her. "I can't believe I'm so lucky that I get to date you tonight! Ah, is it truly real?"

"PFFFFF you retard! What do you mean YOU'RE lucky? I told you, I'm the lucky one. I never thought I'd ever get to be with you...though I really wanted to..." She paused momentarily, coughing and blushing.

"I can't seem to stop running my mouth..." She thought that Kade would probably kill her if Sanji weren't such a moron. "...and you know, it's kind've like we're on a date ALL DAY. Do none of the other guys ever help you shop? It's so much fun I don't know why they wouldn't."

Sanji's visible eye grew wider as hearts started popping up all around him. "YOU'RE RIGHT! We have practically been on a date all day! I've been having the most wonderful time with you, Jess-swan! Though I still would love for us to go out for a romantic dinner tonight...a stroll beneath the moonlit streets..." He trailed off, nearly becoming lost in his perfect date fantasies, but then snapped back to reality once his brain had managed to process her last question.

"The guys? No, no, I don't really want any of them helping. I always end up with more than I set out to buy. Marimo likes sneaking in alcohol and Usopp will try to act like we're always out of tabasco sauce."

"Hah, I don't blame you. And concerning our date, well, I'd like to do all the things you just mentioned, but I can't imagine any restaurant having better food than what you'd cook. I've enjoyed everything you cooked this week after you got better." She flushed momentarily remembering just why he'd been ill in the first place. "You deserve a night off, so we should do all that stuff! I do still need to get a few outfits, though. Robin's clothes are nice, but they don't exactly fit...up here..." She pulled out the extra lose material from the chest area, blushing slightly.

Sanji's eyes followed the motion of Jess's hand, a deep flush blooming in his cheeks when he realized exactly where he was staring. He forced himself to look away, a small tickle of blood escaping from one nostril.

"O-of course!" He stammered, struggling to regain his composure. "In fact, I think I just saw a shop over th—" As he was pointing in the direction of the last clothing boutique he'd seen, he caught sight of Nami and Kade emerging from its doors. "Oh! Nami-san! Kade-chan!"

Nami, who had about a million bags hanging off her arms, looked up when she heard Sanji call out her name. "Sanji-kun! Good, you can carry all these bags for us!" She thrust them all at him the moment she caught up to him. "Did you get everything on the list?"

Sanji accepted all the bags without complaint, nodding back at her. "I certainly did, and you'll be happy to know that I got the shopping done much more quickly with Jess-swan by my side! She's invaluable when it comes to finding a good deal!" He said, exchanging gross looks with Jess.

"Did you guys want to shop here?" Kade asked, quirking an eyebrow. "Sorry, but I think Nami just bought everything in stock."

Nami laughed at that, swatting her playfully with one of her nine new handbags. "I did not! I left a few things. A few ugly things," she admitted in a smaller voice.

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, there's another store down the street a bit. It has plenty of nice things that people might wear on fancy dates and events, so you can check that out if you were listening to a word I said, JESSICA." Kade snapped her finger's in her best friend's face.

Jess blinked, coming back to reality. "Huh? Damn, you never call me that. What happened?"

Kade rolled her eyes. "Nevermind. What are you guys up to?"

"Unfortunately not making out," Jess said with a wistful sigh, twisting one of her curls around her finger as she blatantly ogled Sanji. "I mean, uh, you know…just grocery shopping and stuff. As you can imagine, Luffy's grocery bill was fucking enormous. But look, Sanji got me these!" She withdrew the bouquet of flowers that Sanji had gifted her with earlier, stars in her eyes as she showed them to Kade.

"Aww. That was nice of him! Hey, so Nami and I were about to head back to the ship. Have you seen Zoro or Luffy around?"

Jess shook her head. "I haven't seen anything but this gorgeous man beside me," she said, the stars in her eyes growing larger and shinier, and she looked as if she was about to float right off the ground at any moment. "I'm sure if Luffy was nearby, you'd be able to hear him."

Kade snorted. "Man, you really are hopeless! It's a good thing Sanji's an idiot, otherwise you would be in trouble."

"Wh-what?" Jess immediately averted her eyes, her cheeks flushing bright red. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

Nami hadn't missed the stare that Jess was giving Sanji, noting that she looked at him the same way that Sanji himself looked at women. She rolled her eyes, watching for a moment while the two girls conversed among one another, then went back to questioning Sanji about where he might have seen Luffy during the past several hours.

"He is an idiot…but a really mellorine one," Jess was saying. She leaned in a little closer to whisper, "So, you gonna ask Law on a date later?" She winked and gave Kade a suggestive nudge.

Kade shook her head. "No, jeez. He's Law, he doesn't do dates. At least I don't think he does…"

"Okay, then just ask him to 'hang out' like a bro or something, then you can ninja-date him!"

"I was just going to hang out on the ship," Kade said. "And like, maybe we'd both happen to be in the same room. And also maybe some words would be exchanged, hopefully of the pleasant variety. I don't know, it's not a fully-formed plan or anything but I was sort of hoping to seduce him with my awkwardness."

Jess shook her head. "No, just like, sidle up to him and be all, 'yo Law, we should bro it up'."

Kade snorted. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," she said, as if her plan was any more likely to succeed.

"I don't even know what I'm saying right now," Jess said, giggling as she stared at Sanji's ass.

"Anyway," Kade said as she shook her head, noticing that Nami was standing there waiting for her with her arms crossed, "we're heading back now. Hope you find something good to wear on your date."

"Me too, I don't have the boobs to fit in Robin's clothes...ehehe."

While the girls continued talking, Nami slipped Sanji some extra money and decided to voice the concerns she had about his new infatuation. "Look, you probably shouldn't get too serious about this girl. You've known her less than a week. What if she screws you over?"

Sanji was appalled, "What?! Jess-swan wouldn't ever do that! There's no need to be…" He trailed off just then, and his face suddenly changed as he thought of another possible meaning for Nami's warning. Of course! Why hadn't he seen it before? He gave her a gentle smile. "Ohhh, oh no! Nami-san, please don't be jealous!You know I'll always adore you! I promise you that nothing will change that!"

Nami rolled her eyes. "That's not what I meant! I just don't want to see you get hurt again. For a smart man, you are annoyingly naive when it comes to women." She sighed and pushed her hair behind her ears.

"You don't have to worry about me, Nami-san! Although I am deeply touched by your concern. Jess-swan and I are going to have a wonderful night and nothing will go wrong!"

His tone was filled with his usual lovesickness, and Nami felt herself relenting. "If you come back to the ship half dead again, we're just going to leave your ass!" She poked him in the chest lightly. "Just be careful okay?" Nami turned to look at Jess and gave her the eye.

"SO HEY, guess what I bought?" Kade began, partially in an attempt to diffuse the tension she'd noticed popping up between the other two women. "Any guesses? You give up? Okay, check it out! It's a bow!" She reached into one of the bags that Sanji was now burdened with, producing a sleek, crimson-colored compound bow with dark-colored cables and pulleys. She proudly showed it off, posing with it and pulling back the string for effect.

Jess whistled. "That is SWEET! I don't know if I'm going to get a weapon or not yet, I'm not really sure what suits me."

Kade grinned as she lowered the bow, which was about half her own size. "You'll figure it out, homie! I bought some arrows today, too. Franky said he'd make me some more, since I have some ideas for modifications and junk."

"Great!" chimed in Nami, "I'm sure Usopp will be able to help you with that, too. He's really good at coming up with weapon modifications."

"Ooh, really? That would be amazing!"

"Sanji," Jess addressed the chef, "What kind of weapon do you think I should look for? Or maybe no weapon and I learn to fight hand to hand...hmm..."

"I think you would look great with any weapon you choose!" He smiled sappily, hearts floating from the top of his head.

Jess shoved him playfully. "You're no help! It's a good think you're so cute." She winked and giggled.

"AWWWW you're cuuuterrrrrrrrrr!" He crooned.

"BYE GUYS!" Kade yelled over her shoulder as she retreated with Nami, not wanting to stick around for another obnoxious display of PDA.

"BYE KADE!" Jess yelled back without looking away from Sanji.

Nami shook her head as the two of them headed back toward the docks. "Ugh, are you sure she's for real?'

"As real as the gag I barely held back."

"It's just weird you know? I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it." Nami rubbed her forehead, hands now free from all her shopping bags.

Kade nodded. "Yeah, I know. That's totally understandable. But, well, you know...I can tell you she's admired Sanji from afar for such a long time, and now that she's met him, she can't help feeling, um...star-struck."

The navigator still looked skeptical. "You keep saying that, and somehow I feel like that's not the whole story. Look, I believe that she doesn't intend any harm, but I'm still keeping an eye on her. We can't afford to lose Sanji-kun."

Kade made a noise of agreement. "Fair enough." She chanced a look behind her, seeing Sanji swaying noodle-legged circles around a starry-eyed Jess, and hoped that they could manage to maintain some sort of cover for a little while longer.

 _'Ugh. Be careful, Jess…'_


	11. B-B-B-B-BOYFRIEND!

**Notes: Just wanted to take a moment to give a big thanks to everyone who has faved/followed/reviewed this story! Seriously thank you, we are super jazzed that people actually are enjoying this craziness. We didn't really know what to expect when we posted it, we were just flying by the seat of our pants (still are, let's be real) so it's quite heartening that you guys seem to like our sense of humor! Feedback is the lifeblood of a writer. It sustains us, keeps us motivated, and we are grateful for you guys.  
**

 **So once again, THANK YOU! And hang on - the ride's far from over. Mwahaha.**

* * *

 **Chapter 11: B-B-B-B-BOYFRIEND?!**

 _"_ _YOHOHOHO! This story is so charming and really tickles my funny bone—although I don't have a—oh…nevermind." –Brook._

* * *

"Man, I can't wait to try out my bow!" Kade exclaimed as she and Nami returned to the ship. She'd been unable to stop admiring her new purchase all morning, imagining how badass she'd look fighting with it in battle and how impressed the Strawhats would be…provided she'd be able to pull off the 'Instant Expert' trope that was present in many fanfictions. It hadn't worked out too terribly well for her so far, but, hell, a girl could dream.

While she'd been lost in fantasies of becoming the next Oliver Queen, Luffy had bounded his way toward the two of them carrying a hilariously enormous brown sack on top of his back.

"SHISHISHISHI, HEY LOOK AT ALL THIS FOOD I GOT!" He called out as he bounced into step beside Nami, shoving a handful of meat and fruit into his mouth.

"We found Luffy," Zoro said, stating the obvious as he followed at Luffy's heels.

Luffy pointed at the bright red weapon Kade was still clutching in her hands. "Hey, what's that?! It looks COOL!"

Kade whirled around, beaming back at him. "Doesn't it?! It's a bow! I've always wanted one."

"AWESOME!" Luffy shouted, peering down at it as they walked. "We need to go play with it!"

"Yeah, that's the idea! I want to get stronger if I'm going to hang out with you guys."

Zoro smirked. "In that case, I have a few more workouts that you can do," he said, clearly oblivious to the amount of pain Kade had endured the last time she had tried out one of his workouts. Shit, he probably thought that she'd been groaning out of sheer happiness and not because she'd lost all feeling in her legs along with the will to live.

Kade laughed nervously. "Hehehe sure, sure! I just want to be able to pull my own weight, you know? I don't want to be that red shirt who dies tragically within the first five minutes of battle."

Zoro didn't know what the fuck she was talking about, but he certainly knew how it felt to want to be stronger. He slapped her back encouragingly, nearly sending her flying face-first into the sand. "That's the spirit! We'll start tomorrow, before dawn. Four hours in the morning and then four more after lunch."

Kade nearly tripped over her own jaw as it practically hit the ground. Her eyes bulged. "What?!"

Nami scowled. "JEEZ, Zoro! Nobody but YOU can keep up with that insane training regimen!"

"We'll just find you somebody to fight!" Luffy suggested, as if it were no big deal to just flag down some random villain in the street and punch his lights out. "Kicking someone's ass always helps ME get stronger!" He grinned, stuffing another chunk of meat into his cheeks.

Nami rolled her eyes, and was about to comment on the absurdity of that suggestion but just then she noticed the absence of a certain long-nosed sniper. "Hey, where's Usopp?"

As if on cue, Usopp leaned over the railing of the Sunny and waved an arm at the four of them as they approached. "OI! Up here!"

Nami was the first to scale the rope ladder, casting the sniper a slightly annoyed look once she'd reached the top. "Usopp, you were supposed to be babysitting Zoro!"

Zoro twitched upon hearing that. "I told you, I don't need a damn babysitter! Don't insult me!" He grunted as he quickly ascended the ladder after the navigator.

Usopp shrugged. "He ran off! I looked for two hours but I couldn't find him, so I figured he might have ended up back here."

"Well, it ended up alright, I guess," Nami relented, turning to offer Kade a hand as she climbed up with her bow. Luffy simply slingshotted himself from the ground to the lower deck, landing neatly beside them. After a moment, Nami continued, "Anyway, I hope you didn't spend your entire allowance on tabasco sauce again. I'm not giving you any more money until the next supply run!"

"Of course I didn't!" Usopp said, averting his gaze.

"Liar!"

Usopp cleared his throat. "Anyway, where IS Sanji? I left my bags with him when I went to look for Zoro."

"I'll give you ONE guess."

He made a face, putting the pieces together immediately. "Ohhh. Really? That could take all day! Damn, I knew I should've taken my stuff with me…"

Nami shook her head. "Anyway, forget about them for now. Tell me which one of these outfits would look best on me," she said, producing a few mini-dresses from the two bags that she hadn't made Sanji carry for her.

Usopp scratched at his head. "How should I know? Pick whatever one you feel like."

She groaned in annoyance at that response. "For real, Usopp! I can't decide. I kind of like the blue one, but the purple one is really cute, too. I wanted to go and check out the night life later. I saw a casino further into the city, and I bet it's full of people whose money I can win! Kade, you should come, too!"

Kade glanced up from where she'd been lovingly gazing down at her bow and trying to decide what sort of powerful, godlike name she should bestow upon it. "Huh? Oh. Maybe! I was planning on finding Franky and showing him my bow."

Nami nodded. "Alright. Usopp, you're coming with me, then."

"Whaaat? I just got back from wandering around there all day," Usopp whined, having been looking forward to lazing about on the deck for the rest of the night and eating the delicious food Sanji would cook them, and then later on shoving chopsticks up his nose with Luffy and Chopper.

The navigator growled in response, leaning a bit closer to him. "Are you saying you don't want to enjoy an evening with my splendid company?"

Usopp laughed nervously, wincing a little at the look she'd given him. "O-OF COURSE NOT, NAMI-SAN. I'LL GLADLY GO WITH YOU!"

Satisfied with that answer, Nami drew back and gave him a deceptively sweet smile. "Good! Hmm…I might need to try these on again before I decide," she murmured, staring at the new outfits critically.

Having heard the commotion, Brook and Franky emerged from the men's quarters to see what sort of shenanigans their crew mates had gotten up to.

"YOHOHOHO!" Brook laughed as he saw the bags that Nami and Kade were carrying. "Did you ladies go shopping? Are you going to model your new outfits together?" A dark blush covered his skull as he clapped his bony fingers over his cheek bones. "Did you also buy new panties?!"

"Nope," Kade replied, more interested in catching Franky's attention at the moment. "Hey, Franky! I wanted to show you this," she said, approaching him with the bow. "I bought it earlier. I was thinking maybe—"

"OH!" Exclaimed the blue-haired impersonation of a fucking Gundam, excitedly plucking the weapon from her hands. "SUUUUPER!" He cried out, studying it from every angle. "Excellent craftsmanship, too! I could make some pretty useful modifications to it and improve its output, if you're interested," he said, although he was already working on taking it apart without waiting for her permission.

"Yeah, sure!" Kade agreed. It was a goddamn good thing that she knew she could trust him with it. "Just don't go _too_ nuts with it. I need to be able to carry that thing around, you know?"

"Got it, sis! Light weight but functional, and packing a punch…you can count on me!" He walked off toward his workshop as he was talking, and by that point Kade's bow no longer resembled any sort of weapon at all.

She nodded, brimming with excitement at what sort of amazing weapon Franky was about to turn her purchase into. Just as long as he didn't decide to give it fucking legs or something…you never really knew what to expect from Franky.

For now, Kade quietly excused herself so that she could go inside and change into some of the clothing that she had just bought for herself, leaving the crew to their discussions.

"Nami-san, please show me your panties!" Brook was saying, still hovering around Nami with a hopeful look on his skull. "I've been so patiently waiting for you to come back, YOHO!"

The orange-haired woman's eyebrow twitched in irritation and she growled, throwing a new pair of panties at his face. "Take those, then! I didn't really like those much, anyway, but there was a 'buy four, get one free' sale." Her expression became conniving as she added, "That'll be five hundred beli!"

Brook looked disappointed as he held the panties between his thumb and forefinger. "But you haven't worn these yet!"

"BROOK, YOU PERVERT!" Nami kicked him in the head, sending him flying across the deck with a resounding 'YOHOHOHO!'

"SHISHISHI!" Luffy laughed around the mouthful of meat he was chewing, suddenly spotting their sulky surgeon ally as he emerged from the kitchen. "Hey, Trafal-guy! I saved you some meat!"

Law quirked an eyebrow at the food that Luffy was currently waving around. "Looks like you've been carrying that around all day…"

"It's a present!" Luffy insisted, bestowing upon him a half-knawed piece of meat on a bone.

"…You keep it."

Usopp sighed from nearby, watching from a distance as the crew's prisoner paced back and forth while muttering inaudible curses under his breath. "Well, anyway, it might be good to go out again. I'm sick of listening to all of Caesar's whining. Plus that weird noise coming from him is so annoying!"

The clown in question immediately stopped pacing to fix Usopp with a glare. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?! You expect me to shut up and be complacent after everything you've done to me?! RUDE! Just wait until Joker hears about—"

"Shut up, clown," Law cut him off, causing Caesar to pout even more intensely.

"You're the one who wanted him here in the first place," Nami reminded him.

"He's essential to my strategy…unfortunately," Law muttered as he folded his arms. His gaze drifted toward Kade as she came back outside, now dressed in slightly different clothing than before. He watched her reaction from the corner of his eye, trying to see if she would give anything away concerning the things to come. The newspaper had confirmed Doflamingo's resignation from his Shichibukai status days ago, though there were still so many things that could go wrong.

But it was Nami who spoke instead. "You know, it might do you some good to get away from him for a while, too. Why don't you come out with me and Usopp and Kade? Zoro can stay and watch Caesar," she added, much to the chagrin of the nearby swordsman, who had been looking forward to getting piss-drunk at the bar that night.

Law grunted in disinterest. "I'll pass."

A moment later, Franky burst out from his workshop. "DONE!" He announced, holding up Kade's reassembled bow.

Much to her relief, it looked mostly the same as when she'd originally purchased it, though she noted he had reinforced the limbs, changed out the arrow rest and the sight, and added a few more sleek modifications that she didn't immediately notice.

Franky was happy to point them all out, though. "I added the silencer here, which is pretty self-explanatory but it'll suppress the vibrations from your shots and make it SUPER stealthy! Plus there's a stabilizer here—that'll give it a nice counterbalance when you're drawing back and improve your aim! Plus, the sight has three different zoom levels," he gleefully explained as he demonstrated how to use them for her.

Kade blinked in amazement as she watched the live tutorial. "HOLY SHIT! I can't believe you did all that in, like, ten minutes!"

"Of course I did," Franky said as he flashed her a wide grin. "This was nothing for me! You should be able to get a lot more power out of this, now. Here you go, sis!" He said, handing the bow back to Kade.

"Thanks, man! This is awesome!"

"SUUUUPER NO PROBLEM!" Franky posed with his giant arms together over his head so that the star formed in the middle.

"Franky," Nami interrupted them, "are you coming out with us? I'm sure Sanji-kun probably won't be back in time to go, considering he has…plans."

"Oh, that's right! Sanji has a date!"

"Ugh, thinking about it makes my head hurt," Nami remarked flatly.

"Alright, I'm down!" Franky agreed readily. "It's been a while since I got to strut my SUPER stuff!"

Nami waved a hand absently. "I guess that means you won't be wearing pants, eh?"

The shipwright grinned and shook his head. "Of course not! Who do you think I am?" He said, sliding on his sunglasses.

Kade snorted in amusement, glancing down at her bow and then back toward the group. "I think I'll join you guys later, maybe. I REALLY want to test out my bow for a while!" She practically had stars in her eyes, giddy at the prospect of looking like a total badass in front of Zoro and Law. Maybe she would actually manage to impress them thanks in part to Franky's mad weapons modification skills. Maybe she could even make up for all her bumbling fuck-ups from earlier and show them all that she wasn't just some weird, awkward chick who injured herself while working out and dropped plates when interrogated by extremely hot men. "Hey, Usopp, do you think I could borrow one of your targets?"

"Sure!" Usopp quickly agreed. "They're in my shop. Come on, I'll show you!"

"Okay, awesome!" Kade said with a grin, following him with an extra skip in her step as she reminded herself that Oliver Queen had sucked at archery at first, too, so even if she was terrible at it, then hey—there was still hope!

oOo

Jess changed into a mostly purple outfit she'd purchased while out shopping with Sanji. It was one of the few outfits she'd tried on that she hadn't modeled for him so she hoped it would be a nice surprise for the chef. She did a little twirl in the mirror of the women's quarters and smiled then put on some of the perfume she'd bought and checked her hair as well. It looked the same as always so she fluffed it a bit.

She and Sanji had stayed out awhile longer than the other Strawhats and Kade, but had finally returned to the ship to deposit all the food and supplies they'd acquired.

Jess stepped out onto the Sunny's main deck to discover Kade practicing with her new bow. The bow in question looked a bit different from when she'd last seen it in the market and Jess walked closer to inspect it.

"Franky got ahold of that, didn't he?"

Kade's face held an intense look of concentration as she aimed her arrow at the target across the deck. "Yup!" She agreed, then cursed when the arrow hit the target off-center. "Dammit! I just can't hit the bullseye, but it's getting easier the more I do this." She turned around and raised her eyebrows at Jess's new outfit. "Well, look at you!"

Jess flushed slightly. "Yeah, it's new...and look who's talking, that shot was pretty cool! Miss Queen!" She grinned, referring to Arrow, a favorite show of Kade's. "Man, what if we had ended up there instead of here? But...I'm really glad we're here in One Piece. I'm about to go out and meet Sanji now. I also overhead Nami saying something about you guys going out?"

"Nami and Usopp and some of the others are going to check out the night life," Kade answered, "but I really wanted to practice with my bow. I might go meet them later." She shrugged and began loading a new arrow. "I'm having a lot of fun doing this."

Jess gave Kade a playful shove. "Hey, you're making me look bad! I need to start beasting myself too. Well, I'm heading off now so don't wait up!" She grinned and winked at her friend. "Just kidding, cuz I don't really fancy murder tonight!" She rolled her eyes knowing that much more than a little kiss to Sanji would most likely do him in.

"PFFFFFFFT!" Kade almost burst into laughter knowing Sanji's weaknesses all too well. "Have fun, homie!"

"Damn right, I'm going on a date with SANJIIIIII..." Jess crooned, doing a twirl as a stupid grin adorned her face.

"Once again, great job keeping a low profile." Kade snorted.

"You're the only one here!" Jess protested.

"Law's still here," she countered, "and Caesar and Kin'emon, and that kid."

"It's _Momonosuke_. You can't ever remember his name, can you?"

"No I can't! It's a freakin' mouthful!"

As if on cue, Momonosuke's voice was heard whining, "Someone play Samurai with me!"

Followed by the chastisement of his father, "Don't be so demanding son, we're guests on this ship, remember!"

"I miss Onami, she always plays with me, this is boooring..."

Kin'emon responded by smacking Mononoske upside the head.

"SHURORORORO!" Floated through the air next. "Law, I'm bored!"

"...Do I need to gag you?" Was the reply from the Surgeon of Death.

They never heard Law's answer, because just then Sanji walked out onto the deck in his best black suit, making some minute arrangements to his tie. The moment he set his eyes on his date for the evening, he nearly lost his mind, his jaw falling agape as his visible eye transformed into a big pink heart.

"JESS-SWAAAAAAAN!" He called out in a lovesick, sweet voice, twirling his way over to her. "Are you ready yet?"

"SANJIIIIIIIIIII!" She answered, totally derping out as she took in his appearance. "Yes, I'm ready, and you look gorgeous..."

Sanji grinned goofily, swaying back and forth as he clasped his hands and cooed in delight. "AHHH, AND YOU—YOU LOOK...just positively, absolutely...MELLORIIIIIIIIIIINEEEEEE!" He twirled around her in a love tornado then gently grasped her hand. "Miss Jess-swan, my princess, my earthbound angel come to walk by my side! You look so beautiful tonight…" He brought her hand to his lips to kiss it. "I'm honored to have such a lovely woman accompany me tonight, _so_ honored!"

Jess nearly swooned as she blushed red as a stoplight. Before she could think, she found herself crooning back at him, "Oh Sanji, my curly-browed love cook! I've waited for this moment for so long! I hope this night never ends." Tiny pink hearts were floating from the top of her head as she stared at Sanji in the gushiest way, not even feeling embarrassed anymore **.**

Sanji was practically floating off of the deck as he extended his arm for Jess to take, giddy at the prospect of spending the evening with her. "Shall we go then, princess?"

Jess took his arm grinning as she answered, "Oh yes my prince..."

Law made a gagging motion from his vantage point nearby.

"SO ROMANTIC, SHURORORORO!" Caesar exclaimed as he watched the two depart.

Kade quirked an eyebrow. "I didn't know he was into that kind of thing." She shrugged and resumed her target practice.

She was at it for quite a while after Jess had left with Sanji, but eventually she began to lose feeling in her fingers. She hadn't given them time to develop callouses, after all, and even though she had also bought a cool archery glove, the tips of her thumb and some fingers still felt raw.

Kade decided to call it good for the night. This shit was much more difficult than she had hoped it would be. Hell, didn't self-insert characters have absolutely no problem picking up new skills and then showing off their inherent badass factors to would-be love interests? She'd been stealing glances at Law all evening, and he hadn't seemed to give two fucks, though Kade supposed she could hardly blame him.

Striding over toward Usopp's target, Kade plucked out all the arrows that sadly had not landed anywhere near the bullseye. She slid them back into the quiver that Franky had provided her before carefully placing the bow back into its case and then storing them both in the aquarium bar with the rest of her things.

Once she had cleaned up, Kade wandered back outside to the main deck where Law was still seated quietly at the mast and keeping an eye on Caesar. Robin had also set up a spot for herself while Kade had been busy practicing. She was currently resting on a lawn chair and reading a book nearby.

"Hey," Kade quietly greeted her as she passed, and received a cordial nod in response. She hesitated before continuing over to where Law sat, trying to look as casual as possible as she flopped down near him; like she had just _happened_ to find this perfect spot for sitting down and it had nothing at all to do with the fact that he was occupying the same space. She cleared her throat softly. "Unusually quiet here. It's kind of weird," she remarked, though she could still hear that annoying fucking gas noise from Caesar even though he was currently across the deck.

Law had his arms folded over his chest, and he didn't spare a glance at her when she spoke. "Yeah," he grunted in reply. From the corner of his eye, he noticed that Caesar had finally drifted off to sleep. Being that fucking clown's keeper was going to drive him to drink one of these days.

His eyes drifted up toward the sky, noting that it had begun to grow darker and the first stars had become visible through the clouds. A silence passed between them. He reached up to tug on the brim of his hat, casting her a look from beneath it, but said nothing.

Damn, this wouldn't do. Kade sucked at small talk—hated it, in fact—but it appeared she'd have to find _something_ to talk about, otherwise she'd never get anywhere with him. So she let her eyes drift around the Sunny, searching for anything within their surroundings that she might be able to make a conversation out of. Hmm...insulting Caesar was probably a fairly safe topic.

"Even when he's asleep, he still makes that goddamn gas noise," she remarked, shaking her head.

"Tch," Law scowled. "Yeah. It's annoying."

It turned out that Law was, unsurprisingly, even worse at conversation than she was.

Kade fidgeted in her seat for another minute before she blurted out, "Hey, do you want some coffee or something? As in, let's get the hell away from him for a minute…?"

He met her eyes just then, and for a moment Kade was sure he was going to flat-out reject the offer, but instead he gave a slight nod and said, "Alright."

They both got up and made their way toward the kitchen, leaving Robin on Caesar-monitoring duty. Law's long strides easily put him ahead of her, though he surprised her by stopping at the door to hold it open while she caught up to him.

"Thanks," she said, not sad that she'd been left behind because at least it meant she got a great look at his ass.

He sauntered up to the kitchen counter where Sanji's coffee maker sat. It was, thankfully, very similar to a French press from Kade's world, so she found it somewhat familiar. She put some water on the stove to boil as Law retrieved some coffee grounds from the cupboard and scooped some into the pot.

"So," she began, watching the water and willing it to boil faster, "now that there's nobody to listen in, I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

He lifted one dark eyebrow. "What is it?"

"Well, just…first of all, I wanted to say thanks. For not telling anyone else about what I told you. I mean, they'd question your sanity even if you did, but still, I appreciate the secrecy. I'm just not sure how long I should let this go on for. Sanji is an idiot when it comes to women, so no matter how familiar Jess acts toward him, he won't even question it. But Nami and Robin are perceptive. Nami gets more suspicious of Jess every day and Robin, well…she hasn't said anything but I'm pretty sure she knows more than she lets on." She sighed, glaring at the bubbles in the pot that were just now beginning to heat up. "I mean…what would you do? Should I tell them, or not…?"

Law stared back at her, a bit perplexed by the fact that she was so interested in his opinion when the answer seemed obvious enough. The water finally began to boil and Kade removed it from the burner, handing it over to Law who poured it into the press.

"It's a difficult situation," he finally agreed. "You're right about Blackleg-ya, but at least Nico-ya and Nami-ya should be told. They won't like what they hear, but they'll be able to handle the truth, and they can do with it what they like. No doubt they'll decide it's best for the rest of these idiots not to know for the time being, but eventually they're all going to find out. And what happens when you find a way back home? Mugiwara-ya won't take kindly to his new friends suddenly disappearing."

Kade nodded, biting down on her lip as she contemplated what he'd just said. "That's true. The way Luffy persists when it comes to friends, if we just let without an explanation, he'd probably never give up looking for us…even though we just met. I think he's that kind of person," she said, reaching up for a couple of coffee mugs and setting them onto the counter. "And not only that, but…"

She paused, reaching into her pocket to withdraw a folded-up piece of paper. Opening it up, she laid it onto the counter so that Law could see it. The page contained an article, along with a black and white picture of something that _definitely_ did not belong in the world of One Piece.

"I ripped this out of the newspaper this morning," Kade continued, smoothing out the wrinkled piece. "I'd know this anywhere, even as a messed-up heap of junk. _That,"_ she said, tapping a finger on the photograph, "is my goddamn _car_."

She really wasn't entirely sure what to make of the situation, but there was no mistaking it—that twisted hunk of metal was without a doubt her '98 Toyota Corolla that someone, probably with government connections, had hauled up from the depths of the ocean. The logo was still visible on the badly-dented hood of the car. In fact, the damage looked irreparable; the roof had been crushed inward and there was a marked depression in the driver's side door, suggesting the vehicle had suffered a tremendous impact. Staring down at the picture, Kade couldn't help but feel an eerie sense of dread as she recalled the strange dream she'd awoken from the other day. A scream, a great crunch of metal…

Blinking suddenly, Kade forced her gaze away from the paper and up at the surgeon, trying to gauge his reaction to this piece of news.

Law pulled the paper towards himself, studying the picture more intently and thinking that marine scientists would probably trample over each other for the chance to have a look at the contraption, let alone try to understand how it worked enough to replicate it.

"It's not dangerous, it is?" He continued to stare down at the article and picture while Kade slowly pushed down the press on the coffeemaker.

"No, it's not dangerous," Kade answered quickly. "Definitely not the Bat Mobile or anything...err, its only purpose is transportation." She couldn't help but smirk in amusement at what was written in the article, however. "Hah, check this out—they wrote here, _'What sort of alien technology has surfaced?'_ That's a nice thing to say about my crappy automobile."

Law watched her pour out two mugs of coffee. He then reached for one of them and took a cautious sip, not bothering to add cream or sugar.

"Seems it's the first of its kind here," he supplied with an air of indifference. "If it's anything like that contraption you call a 'smart phone' then it'll be of great interest, technologically speaking." He wondered if her machine held any similarities to his submarine, which was more advanced than most ships on the ocean.

"Well, not really," she replied with a shrug, wondering why she couldn't have been sent here with something cooler to brag about. Like a Mustang, or a Benz. "It's a pretty old model. It doesn't even have GPS or keyless starting."

Law puzzled over the abbreviation. "Jee-pee-ess?"

Kade waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, it's just a robot slave that guides you to any desired location," she said, unable to help fucking with him a little, although the look on his face in response didn't really reveal any of what might have gone through his head. She gave up. "Okay, not really. It _is_ a navigation system, though."

"Oh," was his only reply before he raised his coffee mug to his lips and had another sip.

Silence fell over the room as the two drank their coffee. Kade noticed that Law was fidgeting a bit. His eyes were continually scanning the room and the exits, not missing a thing. He really never dropped his guard at all. It must be exhausting, she thought. And in the interior lighting of the kitchen, she could clearly see how deep the bags under his eyes were. _Poor Law._ He looked as if he hadn't slept properly in days. Or weeks. Or…

Law mostly kept his face stuffed into his coffee mug, and Kade wondered if he was doing it on purpose to avoid making conversation. But every time she looked up at him, he had that same aloof expression on his face as if he didn't really give a shit whether she talked to him or not. Oh, well. Kade was just pleased to be able to exist in the same space as Trafalgar Fucking Law. After all, this was Phase One of her plan to seduce him with her awkwardness. But maybe it couldn't hurt to take Jess's advice a little and ask him to…well, hang out for a bit.

So she decided to break the silence with an offer. "Hey...since Robin's keeping an eye on Caesar and the ship, how about going to grab a beer in town? I am pretty curious about the taverns here, and I never had a chance to stop for a drink earlier because it was either keep up with Nami, or be stranded in the middle of an unfamiliar town with no money or working cell phone, and I don't really have the best sense of direction. I mean, I'm not Zoro or anything, but…" She uttered a short laugh, realizing she'd gone way the fuck off topic and needed to reel herself back in. "Anyway, it could be fun. You could use a break," she pointed out, hoping she sounded nonchalant and like she was planning on going whether he joined her or not.

Law gave a slight shake of his head. "I shouldn't leave the ship. The Strawhats may come and go as they please, but I'm a Warlord." Law's face was completely serious, which seemed to be the default setting. Other observable settings included annoyance and anger.

But Kade recalled seeing a more laid back, adventurous Law from two years prior, when the Strawhats and the Heart Pirates had crossed paths on sunny Saboady Archipalego. A Law who had grinned as he asked X Drake about how many people the ex-marine had killed. A Law who had smirked while he brazenly gestured for Eustass Kid to fuck off at the auction house. A Law who'd had a most excellent time dismembering the marines who dared attack him and snickering in amusement at the sound of their panicked screams. _That_ was a Law who probably would have agreed to a drink without requiring much pestering. Something had happened between then and now—probably a new development in his 13-year scheme against Doflamingo—but Kade thought that if she just dug a bit deeper, maybe she could get that Law to come out and play for a bit.

Hell, she felt a little encouraged just by the fact that he'd replied to her invitation in such a comprehensive manner rather than flat-out rejecting it, so she decided to push a little more.

"So then don't go out there with clothes that have your logo plastered all over them," she teased, leaning against the counter and nearly knocking over her coffee mug with her elbow in the process. "Oops. Oh, and ditch the hat."

Law responded by pulling his hat further down over his face, as if he were offended by the very suggestion that he shouldn't wear it.

Kade scrambled to amend her suggestion. "No, I mean it's a good hat. I love the hat, it's great! Ten out of ten best hat ever. But it's a dead give-away."

There was a long pause. "I don't own anything that doesn't have my logo on it," Law reluctantly admitted with an annoyed sigh.

"I'm sure you could borrow a shirt from one of the guys."

"No."

By that point, Kade's inherent bullheadedness was beginning to take over. "Look, it's just a quick trip for a beer. It's not like I'm asking you to go on a covert mission with me to tag the marine headquarters or something…but, hell, even if you wanted to do that, I wouldn't be opposed," she said, giving him a playful smirk so that he knew she was only joking, but the dark look she got in response told her he was not amused.

"I told you, it's a bad idea," he grunted, draining the last of his coffee and reaching over to place the mug in the sink for some other poor bastard to wash. "I didn't even want to stop here at all, but Mugiwara-ya wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Well maybe _I_ won't either," Kade challenged him, then thought better of it upon receiving the withering look he gave her in response. Pissing him off wasn't going to get her anywhere. So she drew back a little and sighed softly. "Look, I know you're under a lot of stress right now, even if you don't talk about it. Believe me," she said, peering up at him with a meaningful look in her eyes, "a little break isn't going to hurt. Caesar isn't going anywhere. _Doflamingo_ isn't going anywhere. There's literally nothing you'll be able to do to solve your problems over the next few hours. All you're going to do tonight is dwell on them some more, and that won't solve a damn thing. If I'm somehow wrong about that, then feel free to refuse." She locked eyes with him, wondering if she should feel the slightest bit guilty about using her knowledge of events to come as a bargaining chip. "But I _know_ I'm not wrong."

There was another long silence as Law's steel gaze bored into hers, and it was anyone's guess at what he was thinking. Kade felt a chill, unsure of how he was going to respond, but she was determined not to back down. Even if the evening were to end with her shambled body flopping clumsily across the deck, at least she could say that she had _tried_ to do something for him.

Law let out a near-inaudible sigh, finally breaking eye contact. "One drink," he relented, much to her delighted surprise. "Then we come right back. No detours."

Kade grinned brightly, feeling a flood of happiness at the fact that she'd actually managed to convince him to leave the ship with her—just the two of them! It would most likely be awkward and silent, but hey, she had nothing to complain about. It was a chance to spend more time with Law and hopefully continue her quest to prove to him that she was _not_ a complete mess of a human being.

She nodded, agreeing to his terms. "Yeah! No detours, no problem. The tavern isn't very far into town, either. If Caesar screamed, you would hear him," she joked, finishing off her own coffee and depositing the mug into the sink as well.

Law scowled. "He'd better not."

oOo

Later that evening, Sanji and Jess were walking arm and arm down the pier. They'd eaten a sumptuous meal at one of the finest restaurants in town just beforehand. Sanji was enjoying being all dressed up together and kept glancing at her and smiling, just happy to be in her company.

"I hope you're having a good time tonight, because I'm having the best night of my life!" He announced happily, feeling as if he were in a dream. "I still can't believe you asked me on a date. I'm the luckiest many alive!"

Jess hugged his arm closer then maneuvered her arm down so that they were holding hands, fingers interlocked. She smiled up at him. "Stooooppp! You keep saying how lucky you are, but you have no idea, do you? How much I..." The 'L-word' had nearly slipped past her lips. She wanted to tell him more than anything the way she really felt, but that would be crazy! It just wasn't realistic to tell someone you loved them after only having known them a few days—at least not the way she loved Sanji.

She sighed, suddenly feeling a little melancholy at where this train of thought led her. She wondered if Sanji could ever _truly_ love her back. Let's face it, the only thing she'd had to do was express interest, which was a relatively rare occurrence for him, and he'd been extremely receptive to her advances. She couldn't help but let it bother her even though they'd had such a wonderful, romantic evening together thus far.

"Sanji," she began, suddenly nervous and a little apprehensive, "I...well, I could've been _anyone_ you know. If...if Kade had asked you out, you would've said yes to her, too. And what if Nami or Robin asked you out tomorrow or even some random, oh, I don't know, dancing girl with huge breasts? What...what would you really do?"

Sanji paused, a perplexed look crossing his face momentarily. "Jess-san..." He noticed then how serious she was with this hypothetical train of thought, so he considered his answer carefully. "It's true that I am a man who loves women deeply. I've always considered myself a man of passion, but more than that, a man who treats women with the utmost respect. I take a lot of pride in that fact. Maybe you're right; I might have agreed to a date with any of them, but you're the one I'm here with right now, aren't you? As long as I have you by my side, Jess-san, I don't need any other women to go on dates with! Please understand this!" He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I would die before I ever did anything to hurt you...I hope you can believe that."

Jess squeezed his hand back, thinking how dumb and naïve—yet sweet—he was. She could hear the sincerity in his voice and swallowed, nodding before she answered.

"I hope that means we'll get to know each other better. So...you, you wouldn't go off with anyone else?" A pained look crossed her face as she thought of Sanji's upcoming and inevitable meeting with the Donquixote family executive, Violet, and exactly what would happen to him. It was important to the plot that he meet her, yet...she couldn't stand to think of him getting beaten up because of his complete idiocy in the presence of a beautiful woman. She wanted to protect him but there was only so much she could do. She and Kade had likely already changed the course of history when they'd accidentally been transported here.

He was shaking his head vigorously. "No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't go off with anyone else but you! I can't wait to learn everything about you! I've never met a woman like you..." Sanji squeezed her hand again trying to reassure her. "I feel as though we have similar auras, like kindred spirits! I think we understand each other in a way that nobody else could."

Jess blushed, looking back up at Sanji again, feeling her heart beating insanely fast because well, this was SANJI she was with, dammit!

"I, uh...does that...?" She fidgeted slightly, using her free hand to pull at one of her curls, "Um...then, does that make you my...my..."

Sanji listened with great interest as Jess struggled to ask him the question, feeling his heart contract at the way her cheeks had flushed as she stumbled over her words and finding it so absolutely adorable that he nearly forgot how to breathe.

"…my boyfriend?" She finally squeaked, her face heating up with an intense blush.

Sanji could hardly believe his ears. "B-B-B-B-BOYFRIEND?!" His visible eye grew wide and he turned to face her, taking both of her hands in his own. "YOU...Y-YOU WANT TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND? AND FOR ME TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND?!" There was a long pause, and for a moment it seemed as though something in Sanji's brain had broken. He stared back at her, his face heating up more and more, until finally he practically exploded with, "AHH, NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER!" He picked Jess up and spun her around, laughing happily as a slew of hearts flew out from the miniature tornado they'd created.

Jess grinned and laughed too. "Ahhh! Sanji! You're making me dizzy!" She batted at him playfully. "I...I know we've only known each other a short time," she began as he was putting her down, she took his hands in hers again. "But for me, it's been much longer. I can't really explain to you what that means right now because I don't want to ruin this perfect moment, but suffice to say, you've been in my heart for much longer than you know..." She squeezed his hands and stepped closer to him, then freed one hand, reaching to cup his face with it.

"One day soon I promise I'll tell you...how...how much I..." She leaned upwards, closing the distance between them and pressed a soft kiss to his mouth, gently and slowly, testing the waters lest she kill him on the spot. This was officially their third kiss and she wanted to make sure it didn't end up with him hospitalized again. It was so frustrating not to be able to touch him the way she wanted without having to worry about it, but maybe...maybe by now he'd be at least a bit desensitized to it.

Just when Sanji thought the night couldn't go more perfectly, he felt the softness of her lips upon his own. He'd felt it before of course, but such a feeling was one he knew he'd never tire of. His hand left hers and he wrapped his arms securely around her waist as he eagerly responded to her kiss, placing every ounce of his own feelings into it. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought to hear such words from a woman he was interested in! She had feelings for him that ran deeper than anyone else he'd ever met. He felt his heart doing backflips in his chest, joy coursing through every vein in his body. Yes, this was destiny for certain! This beautiful woman sent to stand by his side, he almost didn't care where she came from so long as she was there with him.

He smiled when they finally pulled back, and he opened his mouth, intending to woo her with more words of romance, but all he got out was, "Jess-swan, I—" when a stream of blood gushed forth from his nose. "EHEHEHE..."

Jess sighed with a smile and pulled out a handkerchief she'd packed in her purse for just such an emergency.

"You're going to ruin your suit, you retard!" She chuckled as she gently wiped the blood from his face. "You did so much better this time, that was a really nice kiss..." She pulled him into a hug, burying her face in his chest. "You don't have to say anything at all, this evening has been perfect just like it is..." She hugged him tighter. "...maybe later we can practice kissing, since we're...you know...officially dating now." Jess smiled foolishly and reached up to play with his hair, noting it was just as soft as she always thought it would be. "Gosh, do you have any idea how cute you are?"

The love cook had the dumbest look on his face, smiling like a retard at her compliments even as he replayed their kiss over in his head and thought about all the things to come. Such happiness. He was SO happy!

"N-no!" He disagreed, his cheeks red as a stoplight as he insisted, "YOU'RE the one who's cute! I'M SO HAPPY, I WANT TO TELL THE WORLD! HEY, SHITTY TOWN!" He shouted out at the top of his lungs, "I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! JESS-SWAN IS MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, NOBODY CARES!" Came the unexpected reply from somewhere behind the couple.

"How rude! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS, YOU BASTARD!" Sanji yelled in the direction of the voice, waving a fist angrily.

Jess just laughed. "Hey, it's fine, it's fine, you can yell it on the Sunny all you want!" She reached for his hand again, pulling him close. "Now how about that kissing practice..."

"MELLORINEEEEEEEEEEEE!"


	12. Kadenfreude

**Chapter 12: Kadenfreude**

" _ZEHAHAHA! I'M A GIANT DOUCHE-CANOE." –Marshall D. Teach_

* * *

 _._

Kade was feeling immensely satisfied with herself. She'd accomplished the impossible, after all—she'd managed to convince the Surgeon of Death himself to go and get an alcoholic beverage with her at some seedy little bar on the edge of town. And _alone_ at that! Sure, he'd very reluctantly agreed to come along, and _only_ for one (1) beer, but a tiny victory was a victory nonetheless, and Kade was determined to make that one drink last as long as possible.

She tried not to smirk like a fucking fool as they strode up the boardwalk toward the sound of civilization.

' _Don't be a dork, don't be a dork, don't be a dork…'_

Law was mostly quiet, hands in his pockets as he allowed her to lead the way, replying only in short sentences whenever she asked him a question...which wasn't very often, because Kade had no idea what to talk about. She'd already remarked on the weather, cracked an awkward joke about leaving Caesar alone with Momonosuke on the ship, and then tripped over a piece of driftwood while uttering a slew of curse words.

' _Get a fucking grip, Kade,'_ she fiercely ordered herself after having babbled for far too long about how different the trees were compared to those from her home land. After that, she decided to shut up for the duration of the walk to town.

Minutes later, they arrived at a small brick building. Brightly lit letters at the top spelled out the name of the tavern, giving the vicinity a soft, colorful glow.

"Well, this is it," she said as she reached for the door's worn handle and pulled it open.

The two of them were immediately smacked in the face by the smell of ale and cigarette smoke. Kade grimaced, but stepped through the door anyway. There was no going back. She'd fought so hard to come here that she was never going to admit that this shitty little hole in the wall wasn't exactly what she'd been expecting. She was committed, damn it!

She cast a furtive glance back at Law to make sure that he was still with her, then pushed forward through the noisy crowd to find a couple free stools at the bar. A middle-aged man blew a cloud of smoke into the air as they walked past, Law catching the worst of it at his height. Kade heard him cough once, and until that moment she'd never imagined a cough could sound so annoyed. Her eyes swept across the room, hurriedly searching, worried that one more offense would be the end of their outing. Finally she spotted two unoccupied seats at the end of the counter and made a beeline for them before anyone else could get any ideas.

"I wonder if the beer here tastes different than the kind we have back home…?" She remarked as she hopped onto one of the stools and immediately leaned forward so that her elbows rested on the counter.

Law sat down on the stool beside her. "Alcohol is alcohol, isn't it?" He then made a slight face as his ears were suddenly assaulted by music from the live band playing in one corner of the bar.

Kade lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Hey, you never know," she replied, though her words were all but drowned out amidst the squawking of the vocalist.

 _Shit, this place was the worst!_ She hoped that, at the very least, the drinks would make up for the horrible atmosphere.

As she fidgeted beside him, Kade couldn't help but notice the way Law's upper arm tattoos peeked out from the short sleeves of the dark shirt he wore. It looked as if he'd hastily grabbed the first black piece of clothing that didn't have his logo embroidered on it before they'd left the Sunny; possibly one that didn't actually belong to him, as it was about a size too small. But Kade certainly wasn't complaining about the way it hugged his chest and arms.

She wrenched her eyes off him just then as the band began to play a new song, searching for some other topic to branch off to.

"Seems like we share the same kind of crappy bar music," she remarked with a chuckle.

He spared her a glance from the corner of his eye. "What kind of music were you expecting?"

"Eh, I dunno. Depending on where you go back home, they could have a lot of different stuff playing. Usually it's so loud that you have to yell to be heard." She glanced around the rest of the establishment, noticing that most people were enjoying the music. It wasn't her thing, but at least now the sound was a bit more quiet and they could actually hear each other. "This is a little more lowkey than what I'm used to...unless someone starts a fight. Does that happen a lot in bars here?"

Law shrugged in response. "I don't go to bars often. But fights follow assholes around, and there's no shortage of assholes in the world," he said, idly tapping his fingers against the shiny wood surface of the bar.

They were interrupted just then by a voice from behind the bar. "So, what can I get the two of you tonight?"

Law and Kade glanced up to see the bartender standing before them; a woman with long, red hair and a plunging neckline who gave Law a sultry smile upon meeting his eyes.

"Whichever stout you have on tap," Law replied with an air of apathy, not noticing that she was looking at him in much the same way that Luffy would oogle a large cut of sirloin steak.

The woman grinned, sending her hair fluttering over her shoulder with a toss of her head. "Well, then, I think I've got something you'll _really_ like." Her eyes moved from his face down his lean chest, then fixated for a moment on the tattoos decorating his arms.

 _Yep. That seems about right._ Kade had to cough loudly to get the bartender to notice that she was still sitting there, now more in need of a drink than ever.

The woman finally wrenched her eyes off Law, giving Kade a look of slight disdain. "And for you, ma'am?"

 _MA'AM?!_

Kade visibly bristled at the word and was instantly offended. What was she, eighty-five? Had she walked in with a cane and some knitting needles? Had she been sitting there passing out Werther's Original candies and remarking on the noise level and yelling at the boys to pull their pants up? NO! No, she had not.

 _Ma'am._ What the hell!

Kade's left eyebrow twitched in annoyance as one corner of her lips curled upward. "Oh, let me think... What do you have for wheat beers, ma'am? Actually, can I have a menu to look at, ma'am? Is that okay, _ma'am?"_

The bartender gave Kade a sweet look laced with an underlying poison. "Sure thing, _sweetie._ Take as much time as you need." She held out a menu, but dropped it onto the counter just before Kade could grab it from her. "I'll be back with your drink in a second, handsome," she added with a wink directed at Law.

Kade's lips pulled into a scowl. "You gotta be kidding me! What a bitch! This is exactly why I hate most other women. _Ma'am._ What the fuck is her problem?"

Law rolled his eyes. "It's just a formality."

She folded her arms over the table. "Right, and I suppose it's also a formality to hit on your male patrons? Double standard bullshit is what it is. Really, what about me says that I belong in a nursing home?!"

The look on Law's face told her he didn't understand what the big deal was, nor did he want to. "Remember, we're only here for one beer. Decide what you want already."

"Right..." Kade relented, turning her attention to the menu in front of her and began flipping through it.

Law, though he was sitting a mere ten inches from her, seemed more like a thousand miles away. He stared ahead at nothing in particular and seemed to be caught up in his thoughts until the busty bartender came back with a tall glass of ale in her hand.

"There you go, love. Enjoy!" She said with a grin. Her demeanor changed immediately when she looked at Kade. "So...decide what you want yet?"

"Yeah, could you just get me your most popular wheat beer?" Kade asked, choosing to ignore the obvious disdain directed at her.

"You got it, ma'am."

"For fuck's sake," Kade growled as the bartender walked away, balling her hands into fists on the counter. ' _Calm down, calm down...this is supposed to be fun,'_ she had to remind herself. After all if neither of them were having a good time, then how the hell was she going to get Law to stay out longer with her?

So she sighed and did her best to shake it off, running a hand through her hair and glancing at Law as he sipped his own beverage.

"How is it?"

"Not bad," he replied, wiping the foam from his upper lip as he nodded his appreciation.

A moment later, Kade's drink came sailing down the counter at a speed that very nearly sent half of the liquid spilling over the top when she reached out to stop it. Fuck, that lady really had her panties in a bunch! Kade gave the beverage a wary once-over, quite sure that the bartender had spat into it. There wasn't even an orange slice in it as advertised on the menu! What a travesty.

"Bottoms up," she muttered as she raised the glass to her lips and gulped down a large amount. If she happened to ingest poison, well, at least the ship currently housed two doctors.

Things continued to be rather awkward as the two of them sat in silence, each taking sips of their drinks at regular intervals. Law finished his beer first, being quite keen on sticking to the bargain they'd made earlier. He had turned his gaze onto Kade, pointedly watching her take small sips of her beverage as if she hadn't already gotten the hint, when the bartender happened to swoop in and place another full glass in front of him.

Law looked up in confusion. "I didn't order this."

"I know," she said with a wink, "but you still looked so thirsty. Don't worry, it's on the house, handsome."

He frowned. "I don't want it."

"Aww." She pouted, tilting her head to one side and twirling a finger into her long hair. "Are you sure about that?"

Law opened his mouth to confirm, but Kade beat him to it.

"Wait, wait, wait a second… I mean, it's a free drink! You might as well take it, otherwise it'll just go to waste…right?" She met the bartender's eye just then, and in that moment an unexpected truce began to form.

"Mm-hm, that's right. Why not take advantage? After all, not everyone gets a free drink from me," the other woman replied with a throaty laugh, her eyes trained on Law's sculpted chest once more.

Kade wasn't wild about this woman's infatuation with Law, but as long as she was going to dole out free drinks and keep his fine ass in that seat a little longer, then what was the harm in letting her do a little more flirting? Law seemed oblivious to her advances anyway.

He stared hard at the glass in front of him for a long moment. Finally he reached for it and slid it closer, then raised it to his lips in silent acceptance.

"I guess I'll go ahead and get another one for myself," Kade said with a shrug.

"Yours is still half-full," Law grunted after taking three large gulps.

The bartender nodded to Kade. "Another one, coming right up!"

Law scowled into his glass.

As it turned out, the bartender's name was Debbie. Kade ended up having a rather pleasant conversation with her once the second beer began to affect her system. She still thought Debbie was a bitch, of course, but at least they had an understanding in the form of an incredibly sexy, tattooed surgeon sitting on the barstool beside her. Debbie brought Law two more free beers while Kade worked on her second drink, and then he demanded that she stop supplying him with free alcohol.

"You're taking too long to finish that," he remarked to Kade once he'd shooed Debbie away.

That was when Kade noticed two things: one, he knew damn well what she'd been up to all along, and two, Law actually seemed the _slightest bit_ more relaxed than he had been when they'd first arrived.

It wasn't just her imagination, either. His posture was noticeably looser, his shoulders not quite so full of tension and his jaw not as stiff. Even the way he spoke seemed a bit less cold than usual. And, perhaps most telling of all, was the fact that he'd figured out her little ploy and he _wasn't_ annoyed by it. Kade had to bite her lip to keep from grinning just then. This was exactly what she'd hoped for; a little something to take the edge off. And while she wouldn't go so far as to say he appeared to be enjoying himself, at least the plan had been somewhat successful.

Kade smirked back as she took another sip of her drink. "I know, I can't help it. I have to take it slow," she admitted.

You see, Kade was what you would call a Fucking Lightweight. This is an unfortunate group of individuals who have been gifted with the amazing ability to become inebriated after just _one_ alcoholic beverage. They are pathetic and often mocked by their peers, but they are also cheap dates and almost never experience hangovers, so it isn't all bad.

Presently, Kade was deeply involved in trying to pretend she wasn't as drunk as she felt.

The redness in her cheeks? Well, it was obviously very hot in that crowded bar.

Her ridiculously giddy smile? She was having a good time was all!

And no, she wasn't slurring her words, it was just hard to hear over the din of the crowd and the live music.

It wasn't long before the Debbie sidled up to them again.

"Can I get you two anything else?" The bartender asked.

"No."

Kade mouthed the word 'yes' very emphatically, careful to make sure that Law was looking away from her as she sent a wad of bills whizzing across the counter. The bartender rolled her eyes, but the idea of a tall, handsome stranger getting progressively more inebriated on her bar stool was evidently too good an opportunity to pass up because she slipped the cash into her apron a moment later and disappeared to fetch them more drinks.

About ten minutes later it became apparent that Kade had pushed her limits as far as they would go when Law, staring into the remnants of what he had determined to be his final drink, suddenly pushed his stool away from the bar. He stood, showing absolutely no sign of imbalance despite the six tall beverages he'd ingested over the last hour.

"It's time to head back."

Kade snapped out of her warm, fuzzy haze when her brain registered his words. "Back? Hey, I'm not finished yet, hold on a minute!"

He grabbed her shoulder to steady her as she wobbled on her stool, nearly falling over. "Oh you're finished. You're a wreck." He clicked his tongue once in disapproval and tossed a stack of bills on the bar. "Let's go."

Now, Sober Kade might have recognized where the line had been drawn and probably would have agreed to head back to the ship with neither complaint nor incident. Unfortunately for the both of them, however, Drunk Kade was currently behind the wheel, and Drunk Kade couldn't even _see_ the line anymore. Drunk Kade was equipped with far less restraint and absolutely no filter whatsoever, and so there was no second thought to her actions when her hand shot out to grab his arm. He didn't stop immediately, though, so she was unceremoniously hauled off the stool through sheer momentum.

"Hold on, hold on, hold on!" She cried out as she wavered on her feet, the room suddenly spinning. "Jesus...hey, wait up! Why are you in such a hurry to go back, anyway? You really looking forward to diving headfirst into the shitstorm that's coming?! Doflamingo is going to-"

She stopped suddenly as the scenery around her blurred out of focus, followed by the feeling of vertigo twisting her insides. Her world went dark, but only momentarily. Before she had time to shout, "What the fuck?!" the sensation had vanished. Kade blinked in drunken confusion, looking left and then right, and finally it dawned on her that they were outside of the bar. She had opened her mouth to ask if he'd just done what she thought he'd done, but Law silenced her with a sharp look.

"I don't know why you thought it was appropriate to mention Doflamingo in a public place," he hissed, keeping his voice low. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

She scoffed a little too loudly, feeling defensive despite the fact that he pretty much had every right to be annoyed. "What's wrong with ME? Oh, I don't know, WHERE DO I BEGIN, Law?! A few days ago I ended up in a world I didn't even think existed after some FREAK ACCIDENT I don't even remember, I miss my damn cats, nobody here understands any of my jokes, and now I have to watch in real-time while my favorite character marches to his fucking death or something and I'm not even sure there's a damn thing I can do about it!"

Law quickly sucked a breath in, shocked by her last several words. "What are you saying?"

Notably, he hadn't missed the part where she'd called him her favorite, though he wasn't about to acknowledge that at the moment.

Kade's expression softened all of a sudden, noticing the change in his demeanor and realizing she had probably said too much. "Shit, I...I just..." Her face was blazing hot and she wasn't sure anymore if it was due to inebriation or the fact that she'd gotten so worked up just now. Her world was tilting slightly and she shifted her feet, trying to focus all of her brain power on her reply. Fuck, she shouldn't have opened her mouth at all.

Finally, in a tone much more hollow than before, she said, "I'm just not sure that you can walk away from all this..."

Law's shock drained from his eyes, leaving a slow-burning resolution in its place as he looked away from her. "Then I _do_ fight him...but, according to you, I'm going to die." He turned his gaze back onto hers with fire in his eyes. "That's fine. If that's the cost, I'll gladly pay it. So long as I take him down with me, I'm alright with that."

Kade was unable to stop the flow of words that came next, her tone giving away how progressively upset she was becoming. "So then what, you're just going to throw your life away after everything Corazon did to save you?! You can't do that! Do you really think that'd make him happy?!"

Law froze at the sound of her voice as it broke at the end. It almost sounded as if she were about to cry. He couldn't let himself get tangled up in her emotional speech.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground. "What would you know about his happiness? My life is a small price to pay to make up for his getting cut short. Do you think I wanted that?! I wouldn't be where I am today without him." He paused as the breeze ruffled his blue-black hair and turned to meet her gaze. "You're not even from this world. There's no reason for you to care this much about it…or about me, for that matter."

Kade took a deep breath as the fresh air blew over her face, cooling her red cheeks. She kicked at the rocks and sand on the ground for a bit before answering.

"You're right, I don't know much about your life, or about him. But I DO know that you don't save someone just so that they can turn around and get themselves killed later on, especially at the hands of their evil asshole brother! And why wouldn't I care? Why _shouldn't_ I?" She was actually starting to get angry with him; hadn't he heard what she'd said about him being her favorite character?! "Don't pretend it's just _your_ life on the line, either! You're dragging the entire Strawhat crew into this mess with you, under the pretense of going after Kaidou! That was never a goal at all, was it?"

"No, it wasn't," he shot back, an icy glare on his face. "You're right. I don't care about going after Kaidou at all. I just want to kill Doflamingo."

"Do you even hear yourself right now?!" Kade practically shouted back at him, forgetting all about controlling the volume of her voice. "How fucking selfish can you get? Do you even give a shit about your crew? Where'd you send them, anyway? Do they know you're planning on dying, or are they just waiting around for your kamikaze ass to come waltzing back?" She took several wobbly steps forward, invading his personal space as she practically stood on her toes to better face him down.

"That's none of your business," Law sneered back at her, not budging an inch from his spot. Hell, if she weren't so drunk at the moment, the look in his eyes probably would have scared the common sense back into her.

"I don't really give a shit if it's my business or not! I just don't want you to fucking die! Why is that so hard for you to understand? God, you're so-I just-" She growled in frustration, her mind just foggy enough to not know how to communicate her reasoning. Nothing was come out right! "Damn, fuck it!"

Before she could think twice to realize it might not be the best idea, Kade reached out and grabbed onto Law's shirt with both hands, yanking him down just enough so that she could send her lips crashing into his. Shit, if she couldn't get through to him using her words, then maybe...

Sober Kade would never have considered this, of course. Sober Kade was rational and usually thought things through. Drunk Kade, however, was completely fearless and had a bad habit of throwing caution to the wind.

She realized her mistake quite quickly, though, when there was no response whatsoever after a couple seconds.

Suddenly hit with a wave of horror more sobering than five shots of espresso, Kade immediately released him and snatched her hands away as if she'd been stung. Her eyes grew wide in realization of what she'd just done.

 _Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Fuck. FUCKITY-FUCK._

Backing off, her face burning in mortification, she chanced a look at his face...and, oh boy, if looks could kill… She swallowed down the surge of panic, noting that he seemed curiously frozen in place.

Kade decided she ought to take advantage of that pause and beat feet before he decided to dismember her in the slowest, most painful way possible.

"Uh…" Was the only word that managed to make it past her lips.

And then she did the only other thing that she could think of; she whirled around on the ball of her foot and took off as fast as she could manage, sprinting back down the pier to the Thousand Sunny.

She didn't dare to look back.

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 _Notes : So, uh...we blinked and suddenly a year had passed since we updated this story. How? WHAT IS TIME?! Seriously it feels like it was just a few months ago that we were posting Chapter 11 but apparently not D: D: So if anyone was left hanging, we are terribly sorry. Hopefully the next chapter won't take a freaking year to write, LMAO. Hope everyone's doing well! As always, thank you for your continued support and pls consider leaving a review (they keep us warm and happy!)._


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